We have all heard the phrase ‘Daddy Issues.’ Whether used as a derogatory way to describe a woman’s childhood or a mainstream method for people to self diagnose their past trauma, it’s a hot topic in all of our sex lives today.
Whether or not most Harvard students are using their Psych 1 knowledge to analyze their own parental relationships or actively attempting to block this Freudian concept from their consciousness, the Harvard Independent spoke to a number of female Harvard students, coming to the consensus that parents have much more to do with our antics in bed then we would like to admit.
When describing her relationship with her father, one female Harvard student said, “My dad is just completely emotionally distant and we barely talk. When we do talk it is like my dad, he is like my friend, like a dude, he is like my cool uncle instead of my dad.”
She described her father as absent from her childhood, living with his other family and not participating in her upbringing. She then went on to share that she tends to be attracted to men who are “douchebags” but “also funny”—exactly how she would describe her own father.
“I am such a receiver,” she said, in reference to the role she tends to fill during sex. “I love a man who likes to eat me out, and I don’t like to call a guy ‘daddy’ out of nowhere. But if he wants me to, I enjoy it.”
She explained that she can see a clear connection between her relationship with her father and her sexual partners—exhibited by her desire to be treated poorly by men and thrive off small doses of attention, especially between the sheets.
Another female Harvard student, a First-Year, examined the correlation between her paternal relationship and her current romantic relationship, stating that she is “repulsed by the idea of public displays of affection with [her] father.” She described her relationship with her father as both strained and confusing.
“I struggle to say ‘I love you too,’” she said. “It makes me really sad because it’s not true, it just gives me a weird feeling,” she continued. She went on to share that, “It is the opposite with boys that I am having sex with. My love language is probably touch, or physical affection.”
Beyond having opposing feelings about intimacy with her father and with other men, she characterized the type of boy she currently finds herself attracted to as the exact opposite of her father. While potentially coincidental, she rationalized that the reasoning may be more deeply rooted, suggesting the possibility of “seeking to spite him in that sort of way,” because “historically speaking, [I] used to get with a lot of people who are just like [my father].”
Popular culture and media are critical factors impacting how people analyze their ‘daddy issues.’ From TikTok, to jokes made on Sidechat, to the constant characterization in television about the classic trope of girls without fathers who go for the ‘bad boy,’ explanations to justify and explain this dynamic constantly surround us. Yet, parental relationships can present themselves in a variety of forms, subconsciously influencing people’s tastes differently based on their childhood relationship with their parents.
“My mom and I don’t have a relationship,” reflected another female Harvard student, who identified having immigrant parents as something very important for the culture of sex in her family. “She is my mom and lives with me, but we don’t speak. I am really close with my dad,” she continued. “I love my father, he is like my best friend ever.” But with this absence of classic ‘daddy issues,’ she still recognizes the impact of the relationships she witnessed as a child appearing in her current relationships, saying that she expects a very “all hands on deck” mentality from a partner—someone who is incredibly caring and supportive.
“I think I now have very high expectations for men,” she stated confidently. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, I get with guys who will be like ‘let me worship your body for the next hour.’”
Having an imbalance in one’s relationship with one parent versus the other is definitely a through line in personal experiences, as one student began to describe. “I have noticed, not that I was neglected, but that I just never got a ton of attention from my dad, and that definitely appears in my sex life,” she said. “I want to be very submissive, and I have a praise kink, in like a submissive way.” She described how she likes to be with a guy that is paternal in some ways, saying that she needs a boyfriend who is “supportive, and like the ideal dad but as a boyfriend. Someone who is going to say ‘good job you did your homework.’ A boyfriend doesn’t need to tell me that, but I want that.”
Diagnosing an individual with ‘daddy issues’ originated as a way to explain a woman’s behavior in relationships as a derivative of a strained relationship with her father. Yet now, the term has been hypersexualized. Poor parental relationships can cause challenges such as developing attachment issues, feeling the need for sexual attention in order to feel loved and appreciated, or constantly choosing partners who simulate the maladaptive traits of a father. Conversations with anonymous Harvard men have revealed that many have admitted to thinking ‘daddy issues’ are attractive, or saying that they commonly get with girls who have a turbulent relationship with their fathers.
By attaching a trendy name with the sexual connotation of the word ‘daddy,’ the media has fetishized the often stereotypically submissive nature or more wild sexual desires of girls with unresolved problems with their fathers.
Realistically, this is a legitimate psychological phenomenon. As humans, our earliest relationships with love and affections typically stem from our parents, many of which strongly affect how we move throughout our own personal relationships. ‘Daddy issues’ are not fake pleas for attention, or excuses to treat a woman poorly, but rather often the result of unresolved trauma or attachment issues.
Our parents often demonstrate what they believe love and sex are supposed to be, offering examples of relationships, both between each other and with their children. An absence of either one can impact adults as they venture into the field of serious sexual and romantic relationships. I urge you to take time to look at your own relationship with your parents, and try to make sense of how it has the potential to influence who you are in bed.
Maddy Tunnell ’26 (maddytunnell@college.harvard.edu) has no personal reason for being interested in this topic.