In the realm of both bongs and boners, the perennial question remains: does size truly matter? The classic rejoinders often boil down to the idea that it’s not the size of the piece but the way you wield it that makes the difference. Nonetheless, we’ve laid our fair share of pipes and wanted to share our insights on the ins and outs of a solid sesh.
Any stoner’s primary concern should be the quality of weed. You could have the longest, girthiest pipe in the world, but if your weed is the dry, crumbly backyard weed that dealers sell to oblivious high schoolers at $50 an eighth, your high is going to blow. Find a dealer with hash you would hit, or make the trek to the dispensary for some top-shelf terps.
Assuming your weed doesn’t suck, it is worth considering the quality of your glass. A $1,200 Illadelph is going to rip better than the micro-pieces Tommy sells behind the counter. However, with the plethora of pieces available online, we wanted to delve into what matters and what is moot. What is the ideal shape and size of a piece? To answer this question, we will paint a picture of three different bongs: the bare minimum, a solid piece, and the best bong you will ever play with.
First, the bare minimum. To any green stoners, or anyone thinking of investing in a bong, the first piece you should consider is the standard beaker bong. These beauties have a wide, sturdy base that narrows into a slim shaft. The large bottom chamber stores a massive load that even seasoned stoners will have trouble swallowing, and the simple shape allows for a mess-free cleanup process. Beaker bongs without percolators can be harsh on the lungs, so we recommend a longer neck with an ice catcher that can be filled with cubes for smoother hits—somewhere between 12 and 14 inches. As for the girth, aim for five to seven millimeters for the perfect balance between dexterity and durability.
Our good friend Sir Gawain has one of these beaker bongs. His tool is a bit more modest—10 inches at most. But, what it lacks in length, it makes up for in circumference. Nothing leaves me gasping for air like the shaft of Sir Gawain’s pipe, and some of our fondest memories are nights spent sucking his bowl dry.
We recognize that as you first start utilizing glass, there is a learning curve; the Knights of the Round Table have broken three bongs this year alone. If you are willing to spend a little more money, you can greatly improve your smoking experience by breaking the bank a little—just make sure you have that gorilla grip.
The first addition we would recommend to the basic beaker bong is a percolator or two. Percolators cool down smoke and aid with filtration, allowing for a smoother session. For a single percolator, we recommend a showerhead perc; these contraptions have narrow tubes with a flared, slitted bottom that filters smoke. However, they take up more space than other percolators, so we would not recommend a bong with more than one or two. Instead, we like honeycomb percs—flat discs filled with small holes that almost resemble Ritz crackers. Since they are so small, a single bong could fit numerous honeycombs in a tight space (and you know we love a tight space). Additionally, you may want to consider a bong with a nail attachment and carb cap so it can double as a dab rig.
The first bong Sir Galahad ever owned was a triple showerhead perc bong. It lasted about two minutes before Sir Percival took it for a ride. He could ride a horse for certain, but something about his 16-inch member was too much for him. When Sir Galahad woke up in the morning after a night of fun, the shaft was shattered from the insides. From then on, whenever someone tugged at it, it rattled, and if you gave it a suck, your throat would throb in the morning. Sir Galahad has had other bongs since then—an eight-inch beaker bong (also great for anal), a handheld water pipe, and a three-piece Freeze Pipe Tornado Bong—but I have never begged for more as much as that triple showerhead perc bong made me.
Without a doubt, the best thing you can do to enhance your fun time is to invest in a freezable piece. These pipes typically disassemble into two or three pieces, one of which contains a glycerin-filled or freezable coil. After a few hours in the freezer, the pipe is ice-cold and mimics the well-known “ice in the bong” trick. The added cold allows you to inhale the smoothest smoke of all time and enjoy the hit as it maneuvers and slides down your throat—we swallow over here.
The Knights of the Round Table have recently stumbled upon Excalibur—a three-piece bong with a freezable coil that makes ripping chop feel like post-nut clarity. There’s nothing the throat loves more than the smooth pull of a frozen bong. Both Sir Galahad and Sir Lancelot have posited that it is the greatest scientific discovery since the invention of the threesome.
While for many, dropping hundreds of dollars on a special toy seems ridiculous, we could not disagree more. Bongs can last for hundreds of uses, making them significantly cheaper than papers and filters in the long run. As long as the shaft does not slip out of your hand, a prettier pipe is well worth the premium (we are looking at you, Sir Percival).
If you have made it this far and are still lost, walk over to the nearest smoke shop and buy the cheapest piece they have. Smoke it with friends because far more important than the grass or the glass are the Knights of the Round Table.
Sir Lancelot is trying to smoke less weed until he finishes his next jousting match, but that has not been going well.
Sir Galahad has no plans to smoke less weed—smoke grass, joust fast.