The dance floor makeout, or DFMO, is an art form. Whether you’re at a club, house party, concert, or even an outdoor festival rave, a successful DFMO requires extreme precision and immense skill. I, a DFMO enthusiast and self-proclaimed expert, am here to teach you how to perfect the act for your next night out.
There are a few key requirements for a DFMO to be great. First, the vibe needs to be favorable. Second, it needs to be the right type of person. Third, the kiss itself needs to be really fucking good! And finally, you must be able to gracefully end the DFMO and strategize how to either continue in a new setting or subtly exit the premises.
Curating the Vibes
Before anything else, the atmosphere for your DFMO needs to be right, or you risk looking like a fool and your friends will never let you live it down. The ideal setting has loud music, dim lighting, good drinks, and lots of distractions. The loud music gives you a great reason to get close to someone because you just have to whisper that really funny joke in their ear. Dim lighting is self-explanatory—no one’s ever been turned on by fluorescent office lights. The drinks are non-essential, but they help take the edge off and make the whole experience a little more chill. Everything is unserious if you’re drunk, so not only is rejection easier to stomach, but it also makes success a little bit sweeter.
Distraction is the final, and arguably most important, aspect of the perfect DFMO. Ideally, most people around you won’t even notice that you’ve moved from dancing to making out. Depending on your comfort level, you might want to sneak around a corner to a less public area, but the dance floor part of DFMO does imply a certain devil-may-care attitude about the whole thing. No one wants to feel like the entire crowd is focused solely on them (unless they’re into exhibitionism, in which case they really do), so make sure that when you finally go in for the kiss, both of you can fully enjoy it and not be worried about too many eyes scrutinizing your every move.
Finding A Target
Your match for the night can be someone you’ll never see again in your life, a friend of a friend, or even your bestie that you’ve been harboring a secret crush on for months. Regardless of their relationship to you, they also need to be down for a DFMO. It is an inherently public act—don’t choose anyone you might be embarrassed to be caught in a blurry flash photo with (your so-called friends will definitely send said photo in the group chat after the morning debrief.) Consent is key, of course, so don’t go in for the kiss just because you’re dancing close to each other. Make a verbal indication of your intentions, and get verbal confirmation! You want to be kissing someone who also wants to be kissing you. Other than that, any hottie will do.
*Pro tip! Ask for their age before engaging in any DFMO activities. Otherwise, you might find out later that the 8-year age gap isn’t as sexy as you thought it was underneath the club strobe lights.
Doing the KISS!
At this point, you’ve found someone who wants to kiss you and the air is ripe with romance and sexual tension. This is everything you’ve been waiting for, but don’t start too aggressively. Take your time! No one needs to meet your tongue before they’ve even processed the feel of your lips. Have fun with it, but do remember that you are still in a public setting. Skirts should stay down and pants must remain zipped. There are other people at the event who just want to dance and have a good time—be mindful of them! Don’t bump into others and certainly don’t try to get them involved in your activities (I’m not a prude, but I personally wouldn’t want to participate in a three-way kiss in the middle of Bijou.)
Everyone has their own comfort level with groping, grinding, and heavy petting, so just be aware that you and your chosen partner may have different opinions of what is appropriate. I’ve seen an ass grab or two in my day, but going for tits is where I draw the line. Everyone has their own line, so respect it. Ask if what you are doing is okay, and maintain good communication, even if it’s not verbal.
Perfecting the Exit
Now this is where the real fun begins. You have a decision to make. Do you want to continue engaging with your partner or are you racking your brain for a way to exit the situation? There are plenty of reasons one might want to end the connection. Here’s a mini list that you can refer to if your friends ask:
- They kiss poorly—too sloppy; too much teeth; they went straight for the neck and left a heinous hickey.
- When your friend took a flash photo you saw them in the real light and realized that the Harvard goggles are very, very real.
- The buzz wore off.
- Your ex just entered the room.
- You spotted a much hotter person who is way more your type out of the corner of your eye and now you want to pursue them instead.
- You’re bored and want to kiss someone of a different gender.
There are a couple of ways that you can go about an exit. Some are better than others. I’ve tried a lot of different methods, so trust me when I say the cleanest option is to tell them that you MUST find your friends. Gently extract yourself from their arms and inform them that your friends are a) leaving, b) freaking out over where you are, or c) vomiting in the bathroom and in desperate need of your help. Tell them that you will find them later, whether you mean it or not, making it clear that you will be the one to look for them, not the other way around.
Jump quickly into the crowd so that they are flustered and do not have a chance to convince you to stay with them or to offer their help. If you see them again later in the night, try a small smile or avoid eye contact altogether. Let your friends make a small barrier so they cannot reach you. When they request to follow you on Instagram the next morning or you realize that you mistakenly gave them your real phone number, simply ignore it. If you say you can’t remember anything from the night, then who’s to say that you actually did do anything?
*Pro tip for my non-confrontational readers! If you are at a table that comes with security, life becomes much easier! Simply inform your bouncer that your ex-makeout-partner is not part of the table and thus must be escorted away. You can pretend to not notice when they inevitably wave their arms and try to prove that you are actually the one who invited them to the table.
On the other hand, if the kiss went great and you want more, you have a few options. The transition to a bathroom or empty room is my personal go-to. I like to stay at the venue because no matter what happens, I leave with my friends. The bathroom is a super easy choice if you and your partner are the same gender! If not, you might have to get a little more creative about where and how to continue. Pitch a post-game at your place—invite your friends and theirs to celebrate the end of the night together. When everyone is busy debriefing the night’s activities and gorging on Jefe’s, slip away to your room and make use of that twin-XL bed.
However, if you’re willing to just ditch your friends and exit with your partner, who doesn’t love a little Uber backseat make-out sesh before arriving at your single? If you’re choosing this option, please still make sure to let somebody know that you’ve left. There is nothing scarier than arriving at a new location and realizing no one actually knows where you are. I don’t know about you, but I hate having to stop in the middle of taking off my pants because my friends are blowing up my phone. Preempt their worry by letting them know what’s going on! And if you intend to keep your link sneaky, make sure you have a lie or two on hand, because when you do the walk of shame on Sunday morning, it won’t only be Jesus watching you.
The Morning After
In the morning, you likely feel a mix of emotions—regretful, happy, horny, hungover—and you’ll need to process them all. Get brunch with your friends. Reminisce on your feral actions and vow to never do it again. Text everyone you know that you have noooo idea what happened last night but maybe? You kissed that person and it was probably great. Feel accomplished, because you just pulled off the most iconic for-the-plot thing you could have. Celebrate your perfect Dance Floor Makeout(s).
This anonymous author once DFMO’d with five different people in one night.