The link between chocolate and sex long predates the invention of the Hershey Kiss. The Aztecs, famous for inventing chocolate and hot chocolate, might have been interested in the delight for more than just its delicious cocoa aromas. The Aztec emperor Moctezuma drank copious amounts of chocolate before rendezvousing with his lovers because of its aphrodisiac properties. As someone who loved the Aztec unit in 5th grade social studies, I decided to try a modern version of Moctezuma’s special drink to see if it would enhance my own sexual experiences.
A quick Amazon search for “sex chocolate” yielded a plethora of results, and in less than a day, a box of Ignite Chocolate arrived for me in the mailroom. The brand markets to couples, and the bar had six squares each split into triangles, so I could easily include my oh-so-willing boyfriend in the experiment. Ignite promises to add an extra touch of bliss to any moment together, and I was ready to put this claim to the test.
Even without the addition of pleasure-enhancing ingredients, science still considers chocolate an aphrodisiac. The secret to chocolate’s sex-enhancing powers lies in the serotonin and phenylethylamine that it contains, which are mood-boosting chemicals that induce feelings of pleasure and arousal. Ignite bars add epimedium (colloquially called “Horny Goat Weed”) and maca root to further boost consumers’ sex drive. I was excited to test the power of plants and see how my mood could be boosted.
As I carried the package back to my dorm from the mailroom, I could already feel a pep in my step, and I was hoping that pep would travel elsewhere through my body soon (queue Bubbly by Colbie Caillat “It starts in my toes…”). When my boyfriend greeted me at the door, I forwent the typical hug and kiss in hopes of starting the sexual tension early. We wasted no time getting to the chocolate. The outer packaging was an understated black box with Ignite’s gold logo, a pleasing display that excited me for what lay inside. Unfortunately, the chocolate squares were wrapped in a tough plastic that necessitated my boyfriend’s two-inch jackknife to open. Although a decidedly sexy act, I could easily see someone getting the ick if scissors were involved or if there was a failed attempt at a teeth opening.
Tastewise, the chocolate was fine. As chocolate goes, it was no Ghirardelli, but as enhanced chocolate it could have been a lot worse. My boyfriend appreciated the floral notes. Thankfully, the chocolate was not crumbly, but I had been imagining a warm melt-in-your-mouth sensation when it was placed on my tongue, and was left wanting more. With the chocolate consumed, it was time to let the magic happen.
Throughout my extensive research (reading Amazon reviews and WebMD articles), I found very little information on what to do in the 30 to 60 minutes before the chocolate kicks in. The Type A in me wanted to do the exact right thing to maximize the effectiveness of the chocolate. Cuddling seemed too obvious, so we decided to take the diametrically opposed option and instituted a no-touch rule to see who would crack first. As the saying goes, you want what you can’t have, and suddenly the goosebumps on my skin made it seem like the 30-minute delay was all a ruse. With a swift scoop into my boyfriend’s arms, it was time for the real experiment to begin.
Throughout the two-and-a-half-hour experiment, the effects of the chocolate waned and waxed. At the start, the excitement was palpable and we got into things with more vigor than usual. My senses felt heightened, and I was overwhelmed with a desire to try new things to make my boyfriend feel good.
Yet, in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was just a placebo effect. Even though our activities lasted longer than usual, I was hard-pressed to find a moment that felt better than normal. If anything, there were a few moments of stress where the pressure of having taken the chocolate made me worry I was not enjoying myself enough. Two glasses of white wine would have made me equally as excited to tear off my boyfriend’s shirt, so was the chocolate worth it?
My boyfriend gave an apt metaphor to explain this stress: eating the chocolate is like being handed magic beans. You’re told to expect a towering beanstalk to grow, but when you end up with a normal beanstalk, it seems like you should be upset. In the end, you enjoyed the fun in the anticipation of the magic beanstalk, even though the results weren’t what you expected.
Sometimes expectations get in the way of a good time, but once I realized that I could still have fun even if the chocolate was not going to radically change my experience, I allowed myself to enjoy the moment and who I was with.
While I may not start guzzling down hot chocolate like Moctezuma, I do not plan to swear off sex chocolate for good. There is something special about texting your boyfriend that you want to try something new in the bedroom and having dedicated time together to look forward to. The anticipation turns me on, and a little placebo effect during foreplay never hurt anyone. If you’re looking for a way to spice things up with your partner or sneaky link, see if a little maca root can get you macking.
Handjob Hershey hopes her parents don’t check her Recent Orders from Amazon.