Many scholars predicted that with most of the population vaccinated this past summer, America would experience a “Hot Vax Summer.” They theorized that the jabs would fuel a sexual hookup culture reminiscent of the Roaring Twenties in the 2020’s. But statistics suggest that instead, the desire for serious romance has only swelled across the country since the start of the pandemic.
According to the Wall Street Journal’s Justin R. Garcia in December 2021, physical attractiveness was deemed a less important trait by singles seeking connection in 2021 than it was in 2020. The emotional qualities of a long-term partner—the qualities one looks for in a spouse—matter more to Americans today than they did pre-pandemic. In fact, 62% of surveyed singles in America are seeking serious, committed relationships—a figure that grows to 81% among Gen Z respondents. Do these trends also prevail on Harvard’s campus? Are students already thinking about marriage?
Out of the 125 students who responded to the Independent’s poll on love, 60% defined themselves as single. 54% of those singles want to be in a relationship—a meaningful relationship. In response to the question, ‘Do you only want to date someone who you could imagine marrying?’ many students who said ‘yes’ revealed a newfound desire for a deep emotional partnership. “I think I am now inclined to date people where personalities are compatible, whereas before it was more superficial,” one respondent shared.
It appears the pandemic has made many college students—and Americans in general—more interested in traditional, committed, monogamous relationships.
One explanation for this trend is heightened risk aversion during and proceeding Covid-19 lockdown. Research shows that some queer men have gravitated more toward a committed sexual partner than multiple successive partners. “When there is added risk to going out with different people, people need to have their sexual, emotional, psychological needs met and one way to do that is to cut out the risk,” said Timothy Valshtein, a Harvard College Fellow with a PhD in psychology who researches the intersection of motivation, goals and romantic relationships.
Dr. Holly Parker, a Harvard lecturer who specializes on the psychology of close relationships, offered another explanation for the growing interest in serious dating. She referenced one of her favorite sayings: “The last thing a fish notices is the water.” Counterintuitively, people who are surrounded by romantic relationships are less likely to think about starting one themselves; they might take the presence of love for granted, or be content to focus purely on their platonic friendship. “And to all of a sudden have that connection cut off, it really can make people reflect, whether it’s about a relationship or anything, on what’s really important,” Parker shared. Social isolation during the pandemic has driven people’s desire for social connection—like a fish needing water.
Simultaneously, the pandemic might have made people more open to less traditional forms of romantic partnership—like polyamory, in which individuals openly participate in romantic relationships with multiple partners, not necessarily in the form of marriage.
“Stigma surrounding consensual non-monogamy in its various forms is going down,” said Valshtein.
During the first wave of Covid-19 in the United States in the Spring of 2020, many people were suddenly more sexually adventurous and incorporated new forms of intimacy. Those who are generally open to new experiences are more likely to accept non-traditional types of relationships. “Reduction in stigma, coupled with some of this early experimenting and exploring, which seems like it will continue, could bring about an unlikely allyship between mormons and the polyamorous community.”
A rise in polyamory acceptance would not go without backlash from traditionalists. To map this onto crude political lines, people on the political right are less willing to accept of nonmonogamous relationships; they align more often with traditional conceptions of masculinity and a sexual double standard that restricts women’s ability to have multiple sexual partners more strictly relative to men.
One Harvard student pointed out potential harm to family life. Nonmonogamous relationships could be “quite confusing for children and for personality types like mine, it would be frustrating and heartbreaking to have a relationship based on polygamy,” they said.
Opposition to polyamory is also rooted in fears of jealousy. Mirroring national trends, most Harvard students surveyed prefer to engage in monogamous relationships, conceding that though it’s traditional or “basic,” and commitment can at times be challenging, they couldn’t accept the reality of their partner being with other people. “I really want unconditional and total love from someone. And when I love someone I have no inclination whatsoever to look at other people,” one student shared.
“The pandemic placed a spotlight on the
sacredness of life, of youth, and of deep,
meaningful love—in whatever form people choose to pursue it.”
But jealousy might not be as pervasive in multi-partner relationships as one would expect. Valshtein shared that “Once people are in a non-monogamous relationship, they actually report higher than average satisfaction and no difference in attachment style,” meaning they are not less securely attached to their partner, compared to monogamous relationships. Indeed, research shows that emotional outcomes are the same if not better between these two types of pair bonds.
According to Parker, these relationships succeed when “people can really have open communication, and where they can have constructive communication, that’s really the key—whether we’re talking about monogamy, open relationships, swinging, or polyamory. As long as jealousy is worked with in a constructive way, it doesn’t present a barrier in the relationship.”
Some students, even those who stated that polyamory wasn’t for them, saw the appeal. “As long as there’s clear communication and all partners are on the same page, love should have no limits,” one said. Similarly, many respondents contended that monogamy is socially “necessary,” but perhaps not biologically “natural.” As evidenced by high national divorce rates, many people are poorly suited for it, but deem it “the only respectable option in most circles.”
Given the apparent appeal of polyamory, could it be a material threat to the future of monogamy if it became legalized? Some scholars have suggested that marriage law and practice will include polyamorous marriages, at least on the U.S. West Coast, by the year 2036.
Harvard History Professor Dan Smail describes this as a “wild hypothesis… a prediction for shock value.”
But the rise of polyamory in cultural discourse, and even in legal marriage, would not undermine the prevalence of monogamy. “Say there are several tens of thousands of polyamorous relationships that are currently not recognized by federal law or state law or county law,” Smail postulated. Legalizing these relationships would not significantly alter the number of monogamous marriages, but it would be “hugely symbolically important” for those individuals. History provides an example: the legalization of gay marriage in 2008 gave more people the opportunity to legitimize their marriage in the eyes of the law, even if gay marriages constitute a small percentage of all U.S. marriages.
Students agree that the year 2036 is unlikely, and the popularity and sanctity of monogamy in America will endure. “If we’ve just managed to allow the queer community to engage in monogamous marriage, I think that we are multiple generations and many culture wars away from legalizing polyamorous marriage,” one student said in reference to Obergefell.
However, public views of romantic bonds have evolved throughout history, Smail says, and current marriage customs will adapt to changing attitudes.
For college students, the current trend is an interest in more serious, committed connections after the isolation of the pandemic. Even serial daters seem to have an eye toward preparing themselves for future partners.
In response to the question, “Do you only want to date someone who you could imagine marrying?” student opinion was distinctly divided, but fundamentally similar.
Respondents who answered ‘no’ gave the following responses: “I want to explore,” “I want to live in the moment,” “I’m still young!” “I just want to enjoy life and love knowing that it doesn’t last forever.”
Respondents who answered ‘yes’ said: “it’s not worth investing time and emotion into someone who I couldn’t see a future with,” “I think it’s a waste of time to do otherwise,” “I do not want to give up the independence and freedom that being single has…unless I think that the person is good enough to marry.”
“Deeply treasured societal beliefs” explains the divide, said Valshtein; some students really value dating someone they can marry. However, both viewpoints emphasized the importance of living in the moment, of allocating one’s time intentionally and refusing to waste it. Perhaps this reflects Harvard students’ philosophy of relentless productivity. Perhaps it also reflects the spotlight the pandemic placed on the sacredness of life, of youth, and of deep, meaningful love—in whatever form people choose to pursue it.