Each year, first-years swarm campus with curiosity, excitement, and nervousness. We go about orientation week and meet an overwhelming number of new people. Despite the sea of unfamiliarity, many of us find ourselves gravitating towards one person—someone who draws us in immediately, someone who we feel like we could talk to forever.
Do we pursue the relationship further and see where it can take us? Seeking first month attractions may bloom into something greater, but more often than not, they present challenges.
Noah Plattner ’27 found himself confronted with this dilemma when he was asked out on the second day of college. “It was maybe a bit too early, honestly, to go into a relationship,” Plattner said. “The verdict is not out yet. Maybe it’s gonna be enriching. So far, I like it. It’s nice to have someone to talk to. It’s nice to have someone to go to the river with. I feel optimistic.”
However, things do not always work out this well. Victor Bowker ’27 faced a similar situation, with different results. “I had a run-in with someone and I was unclear on the dynamic of what was desired.” Bowker describes how this event reminded him that in a place like Harvard, in the throes of social pressure, it can be difficult to quickly dive into a worthwhile relationship. Harvard’s fast-paced environment can be physically and emotionally taxing; with hours allocated to p-sets, sports, and extracurriculars, there is little time left for these initial attractions.
The first month of college feels like the first episodes of a new life. There are still hundreds of people we have not met. Exclusivity and commitment to one person can hinder new relationships and divert attention from the essential pursuits of academics and finding one’s passions. “I want to explore other avenues,” said Bowker. “It is important to make friends and establish new connections, but at the same time, this is a big moment of growth for all of us. It has to be like an individual moment of growth, because we can’t become dependent on people.”
Moreover, the inevitable ups and downs of young relationships can introduce unnecessary stress and drama into an already challenging phase of life. Rather than being a source of stability and support, these relationships can exacerbate the emotional rollercoaster that is often synonymous with the first year of college.
On the other hand, first-year relationships, and in this case, first-month relationships can bring a host of wonderful outcomes. During a challenging transition into college life, these early connections can be catalysts for personal growth and self-discovery. First-year relationships, instead of being a distraction, may become a classroom for life’s most essential lessons. “A relationship is essentially like a fifth course you’re taking, so you’re learning a lot,” said Plattner. Despite the additional work, it can be a rewarding challenge that doesn’t need approval from the dean.
First-year students gave their own suggestions on how to maintain a secure and stable relationship. Elizabeth Norris ’27 said, “It’s really important to form authentic and trustworthy connections before getting into a relationship.” Modern-day connectivity is more concerned with surface-level attractions than genuine connections. When it comes to other people, it is easy to prioritize image over substance—focusing on one’s facade over getting to know the real person. Feelings of loneliness constantly arise despite familiarity with thousands of people.
The first months of college are all about first impressions. Because of this, it can be difficult to form authentic connections until students settle in and feel comfortable. Nigel Savage ’27 encourages us to “look for someone who would be your friend if they were not your significant other.” Beyond the romantic attraction, a strong foundation of friendship provides a robust framework for a lasting and fulfilling relationship. When your partner is also your friend, your shared interests, values, and understanding of each others’ personalities create a sense of comfort and trust that forms the bedrock of a healthy partnership.
Along with trust, “communication is huge. As long as you are on the same page about everything or are at least open to communicating with the other person, then do what you want” advised Cameron Reckard ’27. Transparency plays a vital role in building the strong foundation of intimacy. For a relationship to work out, effective communication becomes the key to resolving issues constructively, fostering compromise, and preventing resentment from festering.
Ultimately, time holds the answer. So many of us go into college eager to see our social lives blossom, but hurrying into relationships is risky. Imagine the people you will meet in future classes and clubs, and know that relationships are not set in stone—they are polished with time.
You have the next four years to find your people; this is just the beginning. However, it’s up to you. With benefits like emotional support, companionship, and some late night walks to the river, who’s to say pulling the trigger is wrong? Whether you decide to commit now or hold off, there is not one ideal way to go about college. Some may find themselves connecting immediately with someone special, while others may choose to fly solo. Love at first sight or slow-burn: the choice is yours.
Han Nguyen ’27 (hannguyen@college.harvard.edu) went into college with a boyfriend.