Boyfriend or Foe?

Some love it; some hate it. Either way, this time of year is unavoidable: shop windows become crowded with roses and chocolates, reservations are made in the blink of an eye, and couples and singles alike begin to prepare for the fated holiday of Valentine’s Day. As Feb. 14 creeps closer, the question on my mind is: are boyfriends our friends or our enemies?

Published on Oct. 29, 2025, a “Vogue” article titled, “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” marked what I understood to be the genesis of this now-popular debate. Author Chanté Joseph’s article focused on the recent shift in women’s attitudes towards having a boyfriend; while women used to center their identities around their partners, the concept of having a male partner has become less mainstream. Moreover, audiences have gradually become more annoyed at seeing couples post their relationships on social media (I’m mentally preparing for numerous Valentine’s Day posts to come).

Joseph’s narrative went viral across social media platforms such as TikTok, and her theory was met with resistance—many insisted the article did not apply to their boyfriends.

Having been raised on romantic comedies from “When Harry Met Sally” to “10 Things I Hate About You,” I have always loved Valentine’s Day—boyfriend or not. But when discussing the holiday with my friends, my mind kept returning to the “Vogue” article. Although the holiday focuses on aspects of romantic love, the article points to Generation Z’s increasing idealization of being single.

A recent study conducted by Match Group and the Kinsey Institute, surveying singles ages 18-29, reveals that only 55% of Gen Z feel prepared for a romantic relationship. Additionally, 75% reported being in no rush to find a partner, with women less likely than men to feel that dating is an important part of their social life.

Though these statistics support the notion that women are placing less of their social and personal value on boyfriends, in my opinion, having a boyfriend isn’t, by itself, embarrassing; it’s only when having a boyfriend takes priority over other important aspects of your life that it should become something to reconsider.

Boyfriends should be accessories to your life, not your personality; however, it can be hard to internalize this, especially for less experienced women in the early stages of a relationship—the time when a girl often starts to neglect her relationships with other people in her life for a guy she met a few months ago.

This can present in many small ways at first: canceling plans for him, having to beg for the bare minimum, or constantly texting him (we’ve all been there). Eventually, this may build up, and it becomes difficult for someone to maintain a relationship with a friend whose main priority is a boy whose frontal lobe has not fully developed.

As someone who has fallen victim to this dilemma before, I wish the “Vogue” article had come out in time to teach me to recognize that my value isn’t dependent on having a boyfriend and that it’s not my job to teach him how to be one. This isn’t to say that spending time with your boyfriend is bad, just a friendly reminder to learn to balance and fit him into your life, rather than reshaping yours to accommodate him.

Joseph also discusses how women often want to have the benefits of having a boyfriend without appearing as if they are boyfriend-obsessed. To avoid seeming boyfriend-crazy, soft launching has become increasingly popular. Essentially, they want the perks of going on dates, romantic treatment, and physical benefits while trying to resist seeming like their lives revolve around their boyfriends.

Looking back, I don’t regret having boyfriends, although I do regret making my world smaller to make room for them. In my past relationships, I’ve never regretted the time and love I’ve given them, but I have let them go each time I’ve started to lose myself. I am grateful for the ways that I’ve grown as a result, and grateful that I was able to walk away in order to rediscover myself.

Relationships are about finding a careful balance and learning to let another person into your life while making sure that they don’t consume it.

At its core, Valentine’s Day doesn’t need to be about choosing between independence and romance. It’s about first choosing yourself, learning to love your own identity, and letting romantic love find you as a result. So, on Feb. 14, whether you’re posting pictures of Valentine’s Day dinner with your boyfriend or deleting Instagram to avoid these stories, just remember that the day doesn’t just need to be about finding love but about letting it find you when you’re ready. At the end of the day, embarrassing or not, boyfriends aren’t everything. When done right, having a boyfriend should be an addition to your life, not a subtraction from other parts of it.

Audrey Wu ’29 (audreywu@college.harvard.edu) is embracing her inner Carrie Bradshaw.