While many self-help books and advice columns claim to have “expert knowledge” on dating, none seem to include vignettes from the lives of Harvard’s hopeless and hopeful romantics. Since personal stories resonate more than advice alone, we’ve collected stories from our friends with invaluable lessons (and given each of them pseudonyms).
Sometimes it feels like we, as students of all genders, were trying to decipher secret codes that would reveal the unspoken protocol for finding and nurturing a romantic relationship. If love at Harvard were an assignment, it would be long overdue. A number of our friends from high school are already married, yet most of our peers at Harvard have never even had a long-term relationship. In fact, many have expressed frustration with how seeking a meaningful relationship seems impossible, while hookups and situationships are readily available. Our number one New Year’s resolution? Stop looking for love.
Of course, this conclusion is based on our own personal experiences. We are ready to admit that our friends—being similar to us—may be destined to have similar outlooks and expectations when it comes to relationships. We also acknowledge that we have plenty to learn about love and relationships ourselves. In order to get a less biased view and to potentially discover the secrets of falling and staying in love we teamed up to investigate the “Do’s and Don’ts” of dating at Harvard.
DO: COMMIT TO PLANS
Christine and Clara met over the summer and almost instantly fell for each other. Early on in the school year, they arranged to meet at Tatte one Saturday for brunch. Christine was counting down the days until they could see each other again. Imagine her surprise when Clara texted her early that Saturday morning to ask for a new location because the drive was too far. It would have been more considerate to request a different location earlier.
DON’T: CATFISH
On Theo’s profile, it said that he was 6’5”, an athlete, and had blonde hair. However, upon meeting Iris in person, Theo was nothing like he had described. He was not 6’5”—as a matter of fact, he was 5’5”—not an athlete, and had black hair. Iris walked completely past him and didn’t recognize him until he called out her name. There’s nothing wrong with being 5’5”, but don’t catfish the person you hope to possibly spend a future with, especially considering they’re bound to find out once you meet in person.
DO: MAKE AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE THE DATE IF FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE
Kimberley was extremely nervous to go on her first date with Mark at Shake Shack. To help calm her down, her friend Amber agreed to sit at another table not far from them. While Mark was a nice person, Kimberley just didn’t feel ready to date and wanted a way to “escape.” She snuck into the bathroom and texted Amber about how she was worried about ending the date early because she didn’t want to seem rude. Amber texted back agreeing to call Kimberley with an “emergency” at her dorm, allowing for a convenient exit.
DON’T: ALL BUT DEMAND A HOOKUP
Diego had his own car and had driven an hour to meet Ella in the Square. The date was not going well, so Ella followed one of our do’s and made an excuse to leave early. But since Diego had driven an hour to meet with Ella for the first time, he felt entitled to a hookup. He kept offering to drive Ella back to her dorm, although she lived a 2 minute walk away. He finally left Ella alone, but she was so creeped out that she walked somewhere else to avoid him knowing where she lived. Don’t be like Diego. Don’t expect a hookup if that wasn’t agreed on before, especially if the date is not going well—even if you drove an hour to see the person, no means no.
DO: BE EARLY
Chase and Eloise agreed to go on a date. Chase, being the gentleman that he is, arrived a few minutes before Eloise and was waiting for her by the door. Chase instantly became more attractive in Eloise’s eyes.
DON’T: FORGET TO BE CONSIDERATE
Our friend Emma recently agreed to meet a man at a cafe in Boston at 11:30 a.m. one weekend. She arrived at 11:15 a.m., but he was nowhere in sight. While waiting at one of the tables, she received a text from her potential Mr. Right: “Let me know when you’re there, and I’ll walk over.” Maybe this would have been alright if it wasn’t already 11:31. After her date arrived nearly a half hour late, Emma walked with him around the city while mainly hearing him talk about his future A.I. business. When Emma finally got the chance to get a word in about being in student government, her date briefly reminisced about his ex-girlfriend who was also involved in campus politics before talking more about his crypto wallet. There was no second date.
DO: BE HONEST ABOUT DEAL-BREAKERS EARLY
Tyrone was diagnosed with bipolar disorder during his first year of college. His diagnosis is just one component of his life, but it is an extremely important one. He knew that anyone he dated would need to be comfortable with his identity and supportive of his mental health. He decided to tell Madison about his diagnosis early on in their relationship. She was not comfortable continuing to see him. While he was saddened to no longer go out with her, he was happy to not have wasted too much time with someone who wasn’t able to walk alongside him in his health journey.
DON’T: GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF…
While the date might be going INCREDIBLY well, there’s no need to get ahead of yourself—especially on the first date. Tim was on a date with Millie, and he couldn’t help but notice that she checked all of his boxes. He started planning a future with Millie, going as far as to ask her what an ideal wedding venue would be and how many kids she wanted. Little did Tim know that Millie was not that interested in him. Even after she politely declined to go out with him, he repeatedly asked her to be his girlfriend, making her even more uncomfortable. Please wait until at least the third date to ask about kids.
DO: TEXT AFTER THE DATE
Logan had an exceptional date with Evelyn, to the point where he could not get her off of his mind. As one does, he texted her about how much he enjoyed the date. This kind gesture touched Evelyn’s heart, and she was more than willing to go on a second date with Logan!
DON’T: DATE WHEN YOU’RE NOT READY
Rowan was on a date with Adalyn and could not stop talking about how much he misses his ex-girlfriend, who he had broken up with a week ago. Dating is not a therapy session. Wait until you are completely over your ex before you start dating again.
With all that being said, if you follow our Do’s and avoid our Don’ts, you are sure to find a partner (maybe)—or at the very least, some self-love. Good luck with either!
Chidimma Adinna ’25 (cadinna@college.harvard.edu) definitely did not experience some of those events.
Adedoyin Adebayo ’26 (aadebayo@college.harvard.edu) pleads the Fifth.