With almost a year of online school under our belts, more and more couples, both at Harvard and long distance, have experienced the trials of life at home or being stuck in a dorm room. The all-too familiar side effects of Zoom fatigue and restricted social gatherings are preventing students from meeting new friends and potential sexual partners in physical settings. While this might hurt one’s ability to feel out traditional hookup culture, it also gives high school sweethearts and long-distance couples the chance to stay together without jeopardizing their relationships.
For those who entered college already committed to a romantic partner from their home town or high school, or perhaps those who have met their significant other at Harvard, sex holds a meaning different than that of just another one-night-stand. The ability to articulate personal sexual desires and preferences and experiment with unconventional outlets of intimacy becomes more prevalent as the relationship develops, and something that the pandemic has augmented. The Independent’s sex survey reveals how Harvard students are keeping the sparks in their relationships alive.
The most obvious and perhaps overlooked aspect of being in a relationship is the ability to shamelessly ask for and try new things. Hooking up with someone for a long period of time allows each partner to become more comfortable with both their own and their partner’s desires. Contributing to the romance and attraction in a relationship, this sexual history encourages partners to “listen to what I say I like, and implement things immediately after we discuss,” says one student.
Yet with this intimacy and familiarity of having a long term boyfriend/girlfriend comes the fear of reaching complacency. Two-thirds of respondents articulated their preference for actively seeking new ways to sexually please themselves and their partners. The other third defended their current sexual routines and indicated that they were happy with their sex lives. But the overwhelming majority expressed some desire in engaging in anal sex and/or having a three-some—activities that transcend the boundaries of stereotypically traditional sex.
For those not in committed or exclusive relationships, reservations about these acts could arise from a plethora of causes. A common fear is that both anal sex and threesomes (when experienced with an unknown third person) can be very messy and potentially awkward situations. For anal sex specifically, a combination of the fear of pain without proper lubrication, the fear of a partner’s unknown history, and, more obscenely, the fear of ending up with feces in undesired places can understandably deter someone from this experimentation. Yet is important to recognize that sex, regardless of its form, will likely be a messy affair, and that proper communication and acceptance can greatly improve the experience.
Couples may not wish to engage in threesomes primarily for the fear of jeopardizing an already functioning and happy relationship, as well as simply not finding the perfect time or place to do so. Especially in college, where finding an independent third wheel who doesn’t share any mutual friends might be difficult, the act of engaging in polyamory remains uncommon, as only 9.1% of students reported they have engaged in a threesome. More than 40% of responses, however, express an interest in sex with three or more partners. As long as boundaries are set, decisions and intent are clearly established, and each member of the trio is willing to set aside feelings of jealousy or personal agendas, threesomes can substantially improve the thrill and seduction of sexual experiences, and can even help an individual learn more about their sexuality.
So for those who are familiar with and confident in their partners’ recent sexual history, any hesitations should only lie in a sense of confidence and curiosity in exploring new avenues of pleasure.
So give it a go, and make sure to bring some lube with you.
A surprisingly large number of respondents articulated a sense of satisfaction with their current routines and “like to keep things basic” with the same types of sex positions. One student in a relationship said, “we like to pull each other in close; and the skin-to-skin touch feels more intimate,” while another simply said, “cowgirl is fun, and doggy’s just hot.” Many similar responses from the interviewed couples demonstrated that these two positions—cowgirl and doggy-style—were popular among those who appreciated convention. Based on the responses, the former position primarily pleased the women more, whereas the men, on average, tended to appreciate the latter.
However, not all Harvard students want to “keep things basic.” An important aspect of maintaining sexual interest with a consistent sexual partner is creativity, and given the lull in hookup culture during the pandemic, students have expressed a particular interest in nontraditional sexual activities, including talking dirty, using handcuffs, engaging in bondage, roll play, and creating sex tapes. 40% of survey respondents enjoy and regularly engage in choking their partners during hookups as well as obtaining pleasure from acts of domination and submission. The majority of respondents (~60%) are either interested in or have already partaken in some form of physical play—including spanking, whips, and paddles, as well as experience in or plans to engage in temperature play. This unity in sexual curiosity falls short when it comes to golden showers: a strong 61.5% of respondents refuse to be urinated on during sex. Overall, it seems that Harvard students are, surprisingly, quite kinky.
Regardless of the type of sex that couples enjoy, the primary consensus is that relationship sex differs greatly from hookup sex, and that the way couples keep things interesting differs. Despite the trends in interview answers and poll responses, there is no concrete routine or formula to keep the sparks of a relationship alive—it is a matter of communication, patience, and understanding to discover what works best for you.