Note: Sources have been anonymized because of their hesitancy to publicly come out as non-binary/transgender due to safety concerns caused in part by anti-trans legislation that is coming to legislatures across the country. Trans Day of Visibility is on March 31st, and there will be events that are open to students hosted by the BGLTQ+ Office.
I was talking to my friend, who identifies as non-binary, at the Harvard College Women’s Center when the topic of online dating came up.
“When you don’t put your pronouns, people are gonna misgender you. But you have to think about whether they would even understand pronouns or respect them if you put them on your profile. First of all, if you tell them, would they even remember to use the right pronouns? Second thing, would they think that pronouns are real?”
Understanding proper pronouns is the beginning of forming any type of relationship with someone who is gender-nonconforming. According to The Harvard Kennedy School, ⅓ of Gen Z individuals choose to identify as non-binary. It is more important than ever to familiarize yourself with the conversation and communication norms necessary to foster relationships with this growing sect of our population.
College is hallmarked by experimentation in many aspects, especially with one’s sexuality and gender identity. Whether that means kissing someone for the first time, hooking up with someone in a semi-public place, or entering into a serious relationship, you are bound to have new experiences during your time at Harvard. However, comprehensive sex education is not the norm in the United States, and even a relatively comprehensive sex education curriculum may not have any resources or advice for dating outside the gender binary. Therefore, if you did not grow up around someone who was gender non-conforming or transgender, you may not know much about the realities of having a marginalized gender identity.
To avoid misgendering the people you are bound to meet when you go out at Harvard, you can proactively learn about gender identities and the protocol around them because being well-intentioned is often not enough. To this end, I have spoken with interns at the Harvard College Women’s Center and friends who have experience dating outside the gender binary. I have put advice from these conversations into a non-exhaustive list of communication tips to keep in mind for when you have a crush on someone who doesn’t fit into the gender binary.
PRONOUNS ARE PARAMOUNT. It is important that you get in the habit of asking people their pronouns if they feel comfortable sharing. Assuming someone’s gender can erase the gender identity they have worked hard to cultivate. Even though it might feel a little awkward initially, asking someone their pronouns establishes mutual respect and ensures that person feels comfortable and safe around you. “It isn’t just about memorizing the words, but actually changing your perception of their gender as well,” said one Harvard student who is in a queer relationship. Another transgender student agreed, sharing that “it’s more hurtful when someone I know who knows my pronouns slips up because that means they see it as something to memorize and still see me as a girl who they have to say ‘he’ to.”
Understanding that someone’s pronouns are more than just words and actually an integral part of the way someone presents themself to the world is the first step in cultivating a positive relationship with someone who identifies outside the gender binary. So, ask away! And if you are the type of person to crush from afar, check their Instagram or Twitter for their listed pronouns; it might not be accurate, but this strategy is used by many non-binary and gender-nonconforming folks to assert what pronouns they are comfortable with.
BODY PARTS DON’T DEFINE GENDER. Just as there is not one way for a cisgender woman or man to look, there is no prescribed way for a transgender or non-binary person to look. Many folks may not have the funds or desire to get gender-affirming surgical procedures done, and therefore may have anatomy that does not align with conventional expectations of their gender identity. In sexual and romantic relationships, understanding how your partner likes to be touched may mean interacting with these body parts, and therefore proper communication is a must. From an article in BBC’s LoveLife: “When discussing sex, it’s helpful to ask things like whether there are certain words that a dating partner does or doesn’t like to use to describe various body parts, or certain body parts they prefer not to use at all during sex.”
This is a good practice to implement for everyone, not just non-binary people, but is especially important when gender dysphoria is at play. As defined by The Trevor Project, gender dysphoria is the distress people may feel when their gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth, their physical characteristics, or the way others treat them. If you had a scar from a traumatic event that you did not want to remember, your partner pointing it out when visible in a sexual context would kill the mood. Since gender and sex are so interconnected, pointing out these gender-incongruous body parts to your gender non-conforming partner can easily cause grounds for discomfort.
This can also mean checking in with your partner on what compliments make them feel good — specifically gendered compliments like calling them “handsome” or “pretty”. My trans masc friend uses the term “boner” when referring to his period, and “chest” instead of boobs, alternatives that he has discussed and created with his partner. Every relationship and gender non-conforming person is different, so being open to a different vocabulary with your partner can ensure their comfortability with you and in their body and gender identity.
BE A SAFE SPACE FOR YOUR PARTNER. As the romantic partner of someone who is gender non-conforming, you will often be the first person they will come to when they want to experiment with a new aspect of their identity. Whether that means trying out new pronouns or a new name in the sacred space of your relationship, you should want them to feel comfortable sharing these experiences with you. This also means that you may need to educate your friends about your partner’s identity as well since you don’t want to bring your partner into a space where they could feel unsafe or misgendered. To that end, make sure to check in regularly with your partner about what extent they are “out” with their gender identity, who they want to be aware of their identity, and how they prefer that you intervene if they are misgendered in a social space.
DROP YOUR LABELS, TOO. If you’re someone who usually identifies as straight and are dating someone outside the gender binary, continuing to use heterosexual terms to describe your relationship would disqualify your partner’s identity. People seeing people outside the gender binary don’t need to box themselves into another label, but need to recognize the queerness in their relationship for themselves and their partner. It is very important to recognize your sexual partner’s entire identity.
One student pointed out that they feel as if society is creating labels for gender identities faster than it is creating terminology to accurately express sexuality. This can result in confusion around who is open to a relationship with a transgender or gender non-conforming person. They explained that “I consider myself a trans-masc lesbian, and never would call myself straight, but do lesbians like me? Bisexual [women] are probably the best for me, but haven’t worked out. Straight girls love me until they see my genitals.”
By honestly recognizing your sexuality to yourself and your partner, you are affirming your partner’s identity and ensuring that your relationship is a safe space for them, while also opening the doors to queer relationships. In queer relationships, there are no strict gender roles at play, so be sure to not project expectations from heterosexual relationships onto queer relationships. “When a stud is dating a femme, people put on all of these assumptions of gender roles that are not necessarily true,” expressed a Harvard student in a queer relationship. This means that there are no prescribed rules on who should pay for dinner or who plays what role during sex. A queer relationship means queering the dating script.
EDUCATE YOURSELF AND ASK QUESTIONS. If you come from a background of only having cisheterosexual relationships, you should find basic terminology to further welcome those with queer identities. Nothing on the Internet will be completely representative of what each person feels, so ask questions. Even if the question is uncomfortable, it is better to ask them about their personal experience than assume anything, and honest and open communication relies on asking and answering questions in every relationship. Of course, make sure that your partner is comfortable and that you are respecting their boundaries.
Hopefully, this list has laid the groundwork for you to understand how to properly begin a relationship with someone who identifies outside the gender binary, but it by no means is the end of this process. Every person is different and has varying needs and comfortability levels, and respecting that is most important. All in all, communication is key, and gender is fluid. Embrace it!
Seattle Hickey ’25 (seattlehickey@college.harvard.edu) facilitates Gender 101 Workshops as an Education Committee Intern at the Harvard College Women’s Center in Canaday B Basement. All are welcome to stop by!