Little girls around the world are bestowed a fragment of destructive wisdom—if you play dumb, he’ll probably like you more.
And there it is, the beginning of our problem. Women everywhere are encouraged, no, programmed, to believe that if we shield our intelligence in the face of a man, then he will like us more. We may be attempting to come off as sensitive and sweet, rather than intelligent.
An epidemic is plaguing this generation. There exists a complicated dilemma: If a woman seems too smart or accomplished, she is deemed as non-dating material, challenging, and overbearing. But why do we as a culture perpetuate this? Why do we propagate the idea that women cannot be both smart and attractive?
For men, the idea of dating someone more intelligent than themselves may actually be a turn-off. At a glance, the opportunity to revel in a girlfriends’ ‘halo effect,’ which refers to the idea of seeing the good in everything someone does, can be appealing. But for many men, that illusion pops the moment a woman’s success, God forbid, threatens to surpass their own or make them feel worthless. Men simultaneously want smart, accomplished women and women that they feel superior to—an impossible duality.
Anachronistic perceptions about inequality of the sexes still exist, most notably when it comes to sexual attraction with coed circles of super accomplished college undergraduates. In an article in the New York Times, Dr. Larry Summers cited research showing that more high school boys tend to score at very high levels on standardized math tests, whereas high school girls tend to score significantly lower. He goes on to write that it was “important to consider the possibility that such differences may stem from biological differences between the sexes.”
Judgment for breaking highly-valued norms is not a burden solely felt by women. While the notion that a career-motivated woman may step back from familial duties can turn heads, so does a man who complacently approves of this action. Even if a male partner may internally be satisfied with the idea of being surpassed intellectually or financially by their wives, the dissecting eyes of others already act as a significant disincentive.
Though the concept of a breadwinning wife married to a stay-at-home husband has become much more common in recent years, traditional locker-room talk does not exist without demeaning such roles. You would be scant to find many men willing to accept insults on their masculinity by other male friends in a world where “sit-down-and-look-pretty” girlfriends are heralded, nor would you find many male partners willing to receive confused glances at family reunion dinner tables when bringing a girlfriend back with significantly higher academic and professional treatments.
These hyper-traditional sentiments can also be furthered by women themselves. Stigmatization against lower levels of traditional success is much harsher on men than on women—the idea of a male “protector” still holds strong, even resurfacing over the past few years across social media with the rise of “trad-wife” content and hypermasculine podcasters. While 71% of American adults believe a man should be able to financially provide for his family, only 32% share the same sentiment towards women. A male partner who is not able to provide (or at least not to the same extent as his female partner) may be seen as weak or incapable—failing to live up to this widely shared expectation.
Even without this internalized stigmatization from the side of the woman, there is no joy in a relationship filled with insecurity—particularly not if those insecurities detract from one’s achievements. As an often unhappy but necessary result, excluding these factors by being upfront about college degrees or other achievements may siphon a woman’s dating pool down to a meager few willingly eager or accepting towards an Ivy-educated lover.
None of this is to say that the dating lives of single female Harvard graduates are the worst of the bunch; Harvard’s marriage rate (examining graduates married by the age of 34) stands at #38 amongst the top 50 most selective schools. We also, strongly, do not believe all men are automatically predisposed to a woman who will not steal their proverbial spotlight. It is, however, often true that social and cultural notions are slow-moving in comparison to the rising education levels of women. Although no comparison to a southern school’s ring-by-spring mantra, there exists an unfair pressure for Harvard (or other prestigiously educated) women to find long-term partners during college or at their corporate workspaces—where male counterparts may be more accustomed to financially successful women.
Even with no soon end to the unbalanced responsibility of men to be the primary financial provider, or more importantly, the notion that they should be, it should not mean that women stay compliant towards this perception. There is no need to settle for less in a relationship more demeaning than mutually satisfying.
All this to say, to our fellow Harvard women: keep fighting the good fight. It’ll be worth it in the end to find a partner of any kind willing to be your biggest cheerleader (pom poms and face paint galore). Be unabashed at how driven or capable you are—it may scare the unworthy away. You, after all, are a force to be reckoned with.
Katy Lin ’26 (katylin@college.harvard.edu) is adamant her children take her last name.
Rania Jones ’27 (rjones@college.harvard.edu) believes in brains over beauty, always.