Boston gave us another Oktoberfest weekend, and we showed up in dirndls, ready to take notes. Same crew (plus Schwanz), same voice recorder, same questionable ideas. This time, our mission was simple: every beer is a sex position. By last call at Lamplighter Brewing Company, we had gathered enough material to offend at least three demographics. What follows is the least incriminating retelling.
Pregame Notes:
Weiner: 5 drinks
Schwanz: 4 drinks
Schnitzel: 4.5 drinks
Topics covered: relationships, music, and the ethics of hooking up with multiple people.
Our Uber driver deserves hazard pay.
Beer 1: Apricot Rhapsody, aka Hand Job (fifth place)
Sour, the kind of beer that promises fruit but delivers punishment. Schwanz liked it: “Tangy, citrusy, better than most.” Schnitzel, immediately: “tastes like shit.” Weiner said it was like “giving head to a woman,” but after multiple retests and an unprintable detour, the consensus landed on hand job. Specifically, the clumsy, teenage, back-of-the-movie-theater variety. Schnitzel: “If it’s all I can get, I’ll take it. But I’d never specifically request it.”
Beer 2: David S. Pumpkins, aka Doggy Style (second place)
Sweet, funky, approachable. The table declared “doggy” in under 10 seconds—unanimous agreement for the only time that night. Some truths are universal. Doggy doesn’t need a footnote.
Interlude: Relationship Philosophy
Weiner: “The best relationship stage is right before someone says ‘I love you.’”
Schnitzel: “I feel like that’s a pre-req for dating.” (debateable)
Schwanz: “No, the best moment is the pre-first-kiss tension. You both know it’s going to happen, but it hasn’t yet.”
Everyone nodded like philosophers, then Weiner pointed at Schwanz and said, “Your side profile is crazy.” A quick thanks was given. Back to beer.
Beer 3: Rabbit Rabbit, aka Lazy Missionary (fourth place)
Weiner thought it was “intimate, missionary, but on the side.” Schnitzel pushed “cuddle fuck.” Schwanz floated “six-nine” before losing conviction. Final verdict: lazy missionary, dressed up as something new. A position you pitch as “creative” but, on second inspection, is basically just lying there. Tastes like pretending to innovate.
Beer 4: Bird of a Feather (IPA), aka Standing Backshots (third place)
A bright IPA, bitter on the finish. Weiner declared it “standing, hitting it from the back.” Schnitzel immediately agreed: “So fire.” Schwanz disagreed: “Depends on height difference.” We thought back to those times when we had to adjust the dorm bed to the perfect height. The position—like the beer—depends on the right geometry, collapsing if the logistics fail. Great in theory, often disappointing in practice.
Tangent: Sex, Injuries, and Playlists
The conversation veered into unsolicited wisdom. Schnitzel, recalling a fling while nursing a broken arm, confessed: “That’s when I realized most girls are bad at cowgirl.” From there, the debate turned to sex playlists. Mac DeMarco: ironic. Lana Del Rey: acceptable. The Weeknd (Earned It): okay if she puts it on, cringe if he does. Deftones: objectively horny. Everyone agreed that laughter during sex is mandatory. Sex without humor is like beer without foam: flat, unsettling, and uncomfortably warm.
Beer 5: Oktoberfest, aka Car Sex (sixth place)
Schnitzel ordered the marquee seasonal—“as the man of the table.” Opinions swung wildly from reverse cowgirl to shower sex. Then everyone settled on car sex. Thrilling, but not totally satisfying. A novelty more than a staple.
Beer 6: Radio Waves, aka Missionary (But Make It Controversial) (first place)
The most divisive beer. Schnitzel argued it was missionary: “down the middle, versatile.” Schwanz said it lacked intimacy: “Too sour, too tart.” Weiner: “1,000,000% neutral, it’s what you make of it.” After enough sips, the metaphor took over: missionary is sublime in love, hollow without.
Bonus Round: Stein Holding Contest
Somewhere between David S. Pumpkins and Radio Waves, the brewery announced a stein holding contest. We entered out of equal parts hubris and dirndl pride. Weiner dropped first, mug dipping and liquid splashing upon the floor. Schwanz lasted longer, but blinked, winced, and surrendered. Schnitzel held out the longest, arms trembling before gravity and physics staged a coup on arm strength. We discovered that none of us is Bavarian enough to keep six pounds of lager at shoulder height.
Final Leaderboard
- Radio Waves: Missionary
- David S. Pumpkins: Doggy Style
- Bird of a Feather: Standing Backshots
- Rabbit Rabbit: Lazy Missionary
- Apricot Rhapsody: Hand Job
- Oktoberfest: Car Sex
Last week, we said Boston’s Oktoberfest was about the beers you meet along the way. This week, it’s the positions. Every pint is a metaphor, every sip a confession, every tangent a therapy session we didn’t pay for. We left the brewery still in our dirndls (though it would’ve made for a more fun article if we took them off), full of beer and bad philosophy, with only one consensus worth sharing: car sex is still not worth it. Prost.
Weiner, Schwanz, and Schnitzel lost their dignity but gained steins to last a lifetime.