Fantasies, Fetishes, and Harvard's Hottest Professors

Survey respondents reveal their deepest secrets.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEX TOY OR ACCESSORY?

leather belt
huge dildo – his name is Randy
warming massage gel
candle wax
gerbil jammer
The Rabbit
vibrator
ropes or other restraining devices
extended-pleasure condoms
vibrating cock ring
blindfold
FleshJack
whipped cream
Principles of Economics, 3rd Edition
a vagina
nipple clamps
the internet
my dick
frozen grapes

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEX TERM?

teabagging
dolphin
Santorum
donkey punch
blumpkin: getting a blowjob while pooping
queef
rusty trombone: getting a rim job while being jerked off
the shocker
dirty sanchez
motorboating: this act consists of someone placing their face in between a woman’s breasts, moving their face back and forth, and making the sound of a motorboat
Alabama Hot Pocket: after sex, shit in the vagina
dunching: vomiting in a girl’s vagina while performing oral sex
rodeo: when doing a girl from behind, call her the wrong name and hold on for 8 seconds or more to get a score
chode
taking the wang dong express to vag town
tentacle rape
angry gorilla: when you ejaculate on a woman’s chest and throw a bunch of har, presumably shaved from yourself, into her chest – when it sticks, she is like an angry gorilla
mungus: two necrophiliacs dig up a 3-6 week dead girl, then take turns jumping on her stomach to squeeze her internal organs out through her vagina into the other guy’s mouth

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SEXUAL FANTASY?

Sex in the woods.
I guess hooking up with my young hip professor in the philosophy department on a desk in the middle of the night after talking dirty about Aristotle.
A post-modern spanking of Drew Faust in Houghton Library, using an 1831 edition of Goethe’s Faust, a Tragedy.
Doing Professor Schironi (Classics) on her desk while she recites ancient Greek drama.
Cum on her face a couple of times.
Jello. Lots and lots of Jello.
I want to tap a professor like whoa.
Make love and it’s wonderful etc. and then have a hot fudge brownie sundae to eat afterwards.
I do a crossword while having excellent carnal relations.
Sex in a meadow.
I would partake in a foursome with Matt Sundquist (Harvard’s zestiest burrito), Garret Dash Nelson (Dorm Crew Captain Wonderboy), and Ying Wang (Asian Extraordinaire).
Armpit sex.
A double bed.
It involved hedgehogs and a massive Tamagotchi named Kurt.
A threesome … in outer space.
Bondage. Bondage and robots.
I guess sex with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie AT THE SAME TIME.
I’d love to come back to my room and find that my boyfriend had cleaned my room and showered and shaved. He’d offer me a long back massage and then tell me that today he wanted to take his time and make it all about me.
I’m not exactly sure, but I think it’s probably pretty standard. I’m hooking up with my girlfriend, and her incredibly hot, ethnic, busty friend comes in on us and rather than being uncomfortable decides to join us.
Gay sex with Harvey C. Mansfield.
Vampires.
To have sex on the balcony of Annenberg during Freshman Parents’ Weekend.
Kitchen sex. Eating plums. Think about it.
Sex on a unicorn in a rainbow.
Harry Potter finally comes to his senses and ditches Ginny Weasley (who gets stuck with Colin Creevey). Harry and I have lots and lots of sex – in Gryffindor Tower, in the Forbidden Forest, on and with a broomstick. Also, Hermione marries Viktor Krum; she deserves better sex than she’ll ever have with Ron.
On a beach with warm water in the wet sand.
Threesome.
Sex with Drew Faust.
Natalie Portman.
A 7 foot tall man. That’s all.
Sex in an elevator.
2 girls, me, one cup.
Getting into a fistfight that turns into rough but passionate sex, with the girl pressed up against a wall or table and me having intercourse with her from behind.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEX POSITION?

missionary
emisssionary
the bound monkey
doggy style
spooning
the pretzel
study sex
the jackhammer
from behind but lying on top of her, with a vibrator underneath
Alabama crab dangle
cowgirl
butterfly
the lesbian kind
standing up
the pelvic tilt
squatting cowgirl
the wheelbarrow
frogs
anything submissive
the triumphant lion
the John Harvard’s maid, lopsided
on my back, with my feet up in the air
pretty much anything involving me getting laid
flying buttress
Italian chandelier
girl on top or bottom with legs around guy’s head
against a wall
piledriver
wheelbarrow
Eiffel Tower
the inverted Jenny
the Houdini

WHAT IS YOUR WORST SEX OR DATING STORY?

Hit a girl on the head once.
Girl was cross-eyed.
MIT matchup online date. Four-hour walk to MIT. Appearance and personality not as advertised.
I fell asleep during sex.
One time I put it in this girl’s butt, and when we were done she started jerking me off. Then she started caressing me lovingly, which would have been fine except she HAD to have gotten poo on her hand from jerking me off. Then she rolled over for sleep without washing her hands and with shitcut dripping from her ass. I described this to her as unhygienic, and explained that if I were to somehow poo on my hands while wiping I would wash it off before going to bed. She called me a prude and went to sleep. I took a shower.
Threw up on his penis while giving head.
It though she was over 18.
Two words: vaginal farts.
Being on top while going at it in a bottom bunk and getting hair caught in the metal supports above.
A guy lost a condom inside of me and I didn’t realize until the next day.
Having sex in the freezer of Herrel’s and coming into a tub of ice cream.
The guy shat on my dick.
Very first time, couldn’t get it in, then kept getting flaccid. After a while of frustration, went to the bathroom and fainted.
First time having sex, couldn’t find the hole.
The first time I had sex, it ended abruptly because when we were doing doggie style, I slipped and regular sex suddenly turned into anal sex.
In the mud in a tent in the bush.
Got caught watching TV during sex.
I went down on him, then he rolled over and said, “I’ll do you tomorrow, I’m too tired right now.”
I once had a girl interrupt having sex with me to take a phone call from her ex.