What’s the difference between friendship and romance? Should your partner also be your best friend? Can you be friends with your ex? We spoke with Dr. Love—er, Dr. Holly Parker—to find out. Dr. Parker isn’t just a self-professed “love expert” who writes quizzes for Cosmopolitan. She has a Harvard Ph.D. in experimental psychopathology, is a practicing psychologist, and teaches a class at Harvard on the psychology of close relationships. You can’t get better relationship advice than this.
For many of us, the fuel that sparks strong relationships can be hard to describe. Understanding some of the factors that lead to their demise can help us see what goes wrong. According to Dr. Parker, research shows one of the major reasons behind friend breakups is disapproval from family and other friends. Another reason is perceiving selfishness in your friend—“just feeling like that friend is fundamentally not looking out for the person, not willing to do their part in the relationship,” said Dr. Parker. Other potential causes include a lack of time and moving geographically.
You might think that these all sound like reasons that romantic relationships end. You’d be right! But while it may seem natural to take the moving factor and declare long-distance relationships unviable, such a condemnation wouldn’t give the whole picture. “Actually, evidence indicates that there is no difference in satisfaction between partners who are in long-distance relationships and partners who are in close-distance relationships. So, where couples really want to make it work, it is not the distance that’s going to hurt them,” Dr. Parker said. Reducing a breakup to a simple geographic separation can avoid painful reflection on deeper contributing factors. But true romantic feelings ground themselves emotionally first, and then physically. Just as there are many similarities in what makes a healthy friendship and romantic relationship, there are also common reasons for why they end.
Can you stay friends with your ex? 61.6% of Harvard students surveyed by the Independent said yes. A couple students said it depended on the depth or intensity of the relationship, while another astutely noted, “it’s never simple, but if they work on it, it can work.”
Can you stay friends with your ex?
Dr. Parker agrees that the transition from lovers to friends is just as possible, and can be just as rewarding, as the transition from friends to lovers. “Is there a transition involved? Yes,” she said. “But I do know that partners can go from being in romantic relationships to having a friendship, and they can absolutely cultivate that.”
That being said, you don’t have to be best friends with your ex. “What I think definitely happens is that there are people who can have very beneficial, active interactions with their exes. Even if they’re not close buddies, it doesn’t mean that every relationship that ends has to be one where people avoid each other, or it’s acrimonious,” said Dr. Parker. Very reassuring, Dr. Parker. We needed that. (Note: the Independent is not liable for any damages that may be incurred from talking to your ex.)
Most likely, your former partner is someone who knows you very well, who has cared about you deeply, and whom you may have known in a friendship capacity prior to any romantic feelings. The foundations for returning to that friendship already exist. It may just take some time and restructuring of your dynamic to get there.
Entering adulthood and a college environment generally brings a full suite of relationships and group dynamics that can avoid clear definition. Living on your own around so many of your peers thrusts you into a nonstop rush of social situations and bonds that can break as quickly as they form. Young adults can question their sexuality and struggle with unique feelings they haven’t encountered before. Who’s your friend, and who are you just friendly with? Do you just like that person, or do you like that person? There is a wide range of possible relationship dynamics between the strict definitions of platonic and romantic relationships, and the hard truth is that we must define each relationship ourselves, without referring to any strict analytical formula.
“There are going to be other dynamics… feeling romantic and sexually passionate about someone… and I know that can get tricky when we talk about friendships because people can feel that in friendships too,” Dr. Parker shared.
“There are going to be other dynamics… feeling romantic and sexually passionate about someone… and I know that can get tricky when we talk about friendships because people can feel that in friendships too”
Romantic relationships require two or more people, grappling with their own assortment of confusing feelings and vague desires, to individually decide to place each other above the rest and trust the other(s) to do the same. Recognizing how nuanced and complicated relationships are, how intertwined platonic and romantic love can be, only makes the ability to enter into a committed relationship that much more satisfying and special.
“I think that when you really pare it down, one of the things at the heart of really wonderful romantic relationships is a strong foundation of friendship,” said Parker. Friendship is powerful on its own, but in romantic relationships, it may even be necessary. Responses to the Independent’s poll affirmed this correlation: “I’m big on long-term relationships with best friend types of people,” one student wrote, reflecting the attitudes of many.
Harvard students can recall the rush of freshman fall: those three simultaneously instant and infinite months where you meet some of the funniest, smartest, and most accomplished young people in the world. You form relationships that feel as tight-knit and unassailable as those you left back home. When you come back to campus after winter break, some relationships are stronger, some weaker, some lost, and some newly founded. The Dr. Parker-certified cliches ring true: trust, communication, and general enjoyment of each other’s company form the bedrock of all strong relationships—whether they’re platonic, romantic, or something in between.
“To really love someone, to really just profoundly care about someone and be emotionally invested in someone, that transcends relationships,” Dr. Parker said. “Treating someone, whether it is a friend or a romantic partner, in ways that are really kind, that are considerate, that are caring, that are thoughtful.”
She ended with a message to students: “Relationships are so vital to people’s quality of life. And I just want to wish everyone, all of your readers, a lot of health and love.”
Harry Cotter ’25 (harrycotter@college.harvard.edu) hasn’t had a girlfriend since freshman year of high school. Maddie Proctor ’25 (maddieproctor@college.harvard.edu) spent last semester crying over her deadbeat ex.
Graphics by Marina Zoullas ’23