I know you’ve thought about it before. Whether it was sitting in Sanders during the election watch party or writing three essays in one day, the thought has crossed all of our minds: “This would be way better if I was high.” I’m not encouraging anything illegal (Hi Mom. Hi Harvard.)—I’m just saying that if Harvard insists on stressing students out 24/7, maybe we should be able to take the edge off somehow.
Here are some Harvard experiences that I think would be better high:
1. Primal Scream
Is there anything weirder than hundreds of students stripping down and sprinting around Harvard Yard in freezing temperatures? Yes. Doing it sober.
Now imagine doing it high. The cold? A concept. The screaming? Angelic music. The naked guy in a Spider-Man mask? Your spiritual guide. High you embraces the chaos. High you could care less about the people gawking from the sidelines. High you feels free.
And if you were one of the people gawking from the sidelines… shame on you.
2. Election Watch Party
There is nothing more stressful that I can think of at this school. If you were sober, you were packed into Sanders with hundreds of other stressed-out students watching the CNN electoral college map change colors with horror. You were Googling Canadian visa requirements. You came for civic engagement and left with permanent emotional damage.
High you probably would’ve still been stressed out, because absolutely nothing could fix that on election night. But at least you would have enjoyed some free food while waving an American flag. You might’ve cried, but it would’ve been the kind of laugh-cry where you’re not sure if it’s the edibles or democracy collapsing.
3. Getting Quadded on Housing Day
It’s the Ivy League version of being exiled. You’re crying in a freshman common room at 8 a.m. while someone in a floppy fish costume waves at you and chants “C-A-B-O-T you just won the lottery.”
Sober you is probably devastated. It seems like all your friends got the river and will be hanging out together in the newly renovated Adams dining hall.
High you would be at peace. You’d get a good laugh out of the fish costume. You would most likely think something along the lines of, “Honestly, the Quad has trees. It’s giving forest retreat. I’m sure smoking on the Quad lawn is fire.” You could start looking forward to late-night shuttle rides and satisfying your munchies during late nights in Currier.
4. Peeing on the John Harvard Statue
It’s a rite of passage. It’s also disgusting. And creepy tourists love to try to record students doing it. Sober you is questioning every decision that led up to that moment, trying to touch the smallest amount of surface as possible. And you’re probably cold.
High you is laser-focused. You don’t care that the tourists are still lurking in the Yard at 2 a.m., trying to record your mission, or that the statue is suspiciously damp. All you care about is honoring tradition by peeing on John Harvard like a true Harvard student. Your balance could be better, sure—but you’re high, which obviously means you think you’re a ninja, and that’s what counts.
5. The 3 a.m. CVS Run
All CVS runs at 3 a.m. are fun, but sober you is on a mission. You need NyQuil, gummy worms, and batteries. You look like you’ve been studying for 16 hours straight—because you have.
But high you? High you has transcended. CVS is your playground. Aisle 3 is a journey. You stop to read the greeting cards and consider buying one for your mom. You almost buy a tourist trap lobster keychain and you buy every flavor of Snack Factory Pretzels “for science.”
*Disclaimer: one can mimic the high experience with enough sleep deprivation.
6. Dodging Tourists in Harvard Yard
They’re everywhere. Taking blurry photos. Touching the statue. Asking you where “the library from “‘Legally Blonde’” is (hint: it’s in California).
Sober you dodges the tourists like it’s a contact sport.
High you loves it. You don’t care that you have a lab in 10 minutes. When they ask you if you can take a picture of them, you gleefully agree, so excited to watch a family of five all touch John Harvard’s foot which you know is covered in pee (maybe yours?). You offer fake facts like, “This is the tree that Obama planted when he came to visit last month.” No one questions it. You could do this sober, but you would probably find yourself a lot funnier if you did it high.
7. Brain Break alone at 11 p.m.
You’ve hit a wall. You’re surrounded by other exhausted students, all nursing a cup of coffee and barely making eye contact with each other. The snacks are sad. The energy is lower than your GPA after that last midterm.
Now imagine if you were high: the HUDS mozzarella sticks would slap like they never have before. You’d eat five in a row, and the mysterious cheese would fuel you through your creative essay…or your article for the Weed Issue of the Independent. All problems would be solved because now, you’re done with your work and you get to go back to your dorm and either have a philosophical conversation with your roommate or get a fantastic night of sleep.
8. Office Hours Where You Pretend to Understand
You came with a simple question and left with four more questions and an existential crisis. Sober you nods politely, writing down words your TF says without knowing if they’re even spelled correctly (they’re not). You walk out and immediately Google half the conversation.
High you walked in with zero expectations and left having accidentally trauma-dumped to your TF. You didn’t finish your p-set, but maybe your TF will cut you some slack when they grade it.
9. Harvard-Yale
It’s cold. You’re hungover (or still drunk because you never went to bed). Someone in a full-length fur coat is yelling “safety school” while doing a keg stand.
If you’re sober, you probably want to leave at halftime because you’re cold, tired, and don’t know who’s winning.
If you’re drinking… just imagine how much better it would be if you were also high. Being crossed at Harvard-Yale would be epic. The odds of making friends with a Yale student while passing a joint are exponentially higher than making friends with one while drunkenly yelling in the stands. And boom, you now have a place to stay for The Game next year!
I’m not saying you should do drugs. (Hi again, Mom. Hi again, Harvard.) I’m just saying… if Harvard’s gonna stress us out, we might as well relax and laugh our way through it.
Mary Jane definitely has not ever done any of these things..