By HUNTER RICHARDS
You’re here again – faced with an overly self-assured, middle-aged man in a position of authority over you that isn’t a fan of you speaking up about your opinions, let alone you having them. You’re getting tired of hearing him call you ‘Mouthy’, even as you dislocate your jaw and continue to swallow him whole. But nobody’s metabolism is strong enough for swallowing all the awful men in your workplace whole, so you really have to learn to constrain yourself. Luckily, there’s enough stock images to sort through your thoughts before becoming a certified Man-Eater (and Man-Digester).
Remember the cost of dentistry these days
If you happened to chip a tooth while dislocating your jaw to swallow him whole, it’s going to cost you a pretty penny to get that fixed. Seeing as you only make 79 pennies to each 100 pennies he does (IF YOU’RE PRIVILEGED), it’s not too pretty.
Asking questions is basically asking for it :/
If you didn’t want to be told you were speaking too much, maybe you shouldn’t have spoken up at all. Even though your silence will be interpreted as lack of knowledge or interest in the topic, saying anything makes you look a bit desperate, dontcha think? Have you tried learning how to communicate solely through strained smiles every time a superior asks you a question or disrespects you? It’s really the only way you can expect them to understand you.
You’re only able to swallow 79% of him
He’ll still find a way to remind you not to let your appearance go from inside your large intestine. You don’t have to worry about gaining all 200 pounds of him since you’re only worth about 80% of him, even in digestion. If you’re not a white woman, you’re still going to be pretty hungry with less than 70% of him but you’ll have even more awful coworkers to treat as a snack! Nothing to make you hungrier than social inequality!
Just “Smile more(:”
Hey, it felt really uncomfortable when your boss kept telling you that you should smile more but maybe if you had you wouldn’t be able to open your mouth up wide enough to devour him whole. Instead of being a sexist and controlling move that shows he thinks you only exist for consumption by the male gaze, it’s more likely that he was just trying to defend himself against you swallowing him whole.
There’s only one time a month you can get away with it:
The full moon. Only under full moonlight can you transform into your true form and achieve that full dislocation of your jaw and ramped up metabolism needed to devour him whole. The only thing worse than a food baby is a food full-grown-man-who-wouldn’t-stop-staring-at-your-chest.
Your name is now pronounced ‘Sweetheart’
Yes, he has been referring to you as ‘Sweetheart’ or ‘dear’ every step of the way but he wasn’t actually addressing you or looking for a response! Yes, he continually stops presentations to ask if you’re able to follow along or need help to keep up, although you have never had any questions and he’s using your own work to run the powerpoint. But how else will he make sure you’re feeling involved unless you’re forced to constantly LEAN IN to hear what he’s asking you?
Every person may have a mouth, but only half of the population is allowed to use it. Don’t worry – you’ll be constantly reminded this throughout your life in case you ever forget!
Hunter Richards (hrichards@college.harvard.edu) is looking for a toothpick.