So, you’re disappointed about spending Valentine’s Day alone. Maybe you’re used to buying yourself chocolate, or maybe this is the first time in a long time you don’t have a Valentine. Either way, you’re dreading that inevitable pit in your stomach that will accompany seeing the countless affectionate Instagram posts and boys walking in Harvard Square with flowers. Maybe you’re a hopeless romantic. Maybe you just suffer from chronic horniness. Or even worse, maybe you’ve got a little bit of both—like me.
Well, I am here to tell you what you are and aren’t going to do on this single Valentine’s Day. I know you might be feeling depressed and want nothing more than to impersonate depressed Bella in The Twilight Saga: New Moon when Edward unexpectedly leaves her, sitting still in your chair and moping as you watch the seasons change outside your window. Although you might not have any classes to dramatically skip on Friday, sitting around feeling miserable about your romantic status is never going to be beneficial. Edward ditched Bella, and instead of going out and having revenge sex, she sulked for months. Don’t be Bella.
What was that? You have no one to get freaky with on this Valentine’s Day? Okay fine, some might say it’s inappropriate to introduce yourself to your Datamatches with, “Tryna fuq??” However, don’t let a little bump in the road stop you from freeing yourself of the mid-class daydream blue balls. It is the holiday of love, and there is nothing more important than loving yourself. So, call up Toscano and make reservations for you and your rose toy.
Although you might be feeling like a loner, you must transform into the sexiest version of yourself on Valentine’s Day. Get up, shower, blow out your hair, put some makeup on, and blast David Guetta’s (feat. Akon) “Sexy Bitch.” Take a hot selfie and let everyone know that you’re feeling grateful to not be stuck in a lame relationship.
You’re in luck—this Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday. No need to buy overpriced CVS candy; HUDS is graciously allowing you to stuff your arteries with as much fried shit (or so we thought?) as possible! Why would you want to be Lady and the Tramping some bolognese or stressing about the havoc that brownie a la mode you just shared with your date is going to wreak on your bowel when instead, you can be peacefully shoving a HUDS BBQ bacon burger into your mouth. The only con to being alone this year is that no one can give you the Heimlich when you start choking on your mozzarella sticks (totally worth it though).
This single Valentine’s Day, make it your goal to thirst trap, eat delicious food, and dance in your room like no one is watching (no one is watching). Log into Google Slides and rank all the potential suitors who, if they’re lucky enough, could be your Valentine next year. Remember that if no one matches your freak, don’t settle. And don’t forget…the rose toy is one click away.
Written anonymously for the Harvard Independent.