Over half of respondents to the Independent’s sex survey said they masturbate one to four times a week. 20% masturbate every few weeks, and 14% masturbate five to nine times a week. But how can you sexually treat yourself while living with a roommate?
Part 1: How to Masturbate in Your Double
- Establish a rapport with your roommate. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to express your needs—you’re not alone.
- If this conversation goes well, determine how you will each ask for the room to do the deed.
- On the off chance you cannot express your sexual needs to your roommate, get creative. Figure out their routine, their schedule, and always be on the lookout for opportunities.
- Write it in the roommate agreement.
- Assuming you followed your proctor’s instructions, and created a series of deeply self explanatory rules for your room, have fun with this agreement: “3 hours a week reserved room alone time”—or maybe more?
- Are you a rebel and don’t have one yet? Consider referring to step 3. As they say: well behaved women seldom make history.
- Make sure you are prepared and ready to roll when the opportunity strikes.
- If you prefer a vibrator, have it charged. Nothing worse than it dying mid-go.
- Make sure you are ready to abort mission. Keep a blanket nearby in case of mayday.
- Curate a playlist of your songs that get you going; the sweet, sweet notes of Teyana Taylor can drown out the background noise of your other roommate crying in the common room because a 5-foot 7 Hockey benchwarmer didn’t call her back after he sucked her face on the Fenway Johnnie’s dance floor.
- Consider an alibi to why you are spread eagle on a Tuesday at 2:45 PM blasting The Weeknd.
- Some suggestions: you are working on your hip mobility, on a quest to pin-point the clit, or simply be honest: “hard week, needed some sexual healing.”
- Remember, masturbation is not taboo. Maybe you and your roomie can do it together for bonding purposes!
Now, how can you take it one step further and have sex in your double? 33% of survey respondents said they have sex one to four times a week, while 31% have sex every few weeks and 15% have sex five to nine times a week. How can you get it on without your roommate getting in the way?
Part 2: How to Sexile
- Sexile (verb): to banish someone, usually ones roommate, from the room for the privacy to have sex.
- Again, communication is key: sexual needs need to be met, and in this case, it’s with a partner, or maybe multiple. Develop covert signals to let your roommate know not to enter. A sock on the door is a classic. A text is a more modern approach. A carrier pigeon is deeply industrial.
- If you get home late, need a midday pick me up, or your roommate never leaves the room in general, ask politely to have the room to yourself for a respectable amount of time.
- Kick them out to the common room, the library, or maybe suggest they go get a meal.
- While asking subtly may be less awkward, asking directly might be more effective.
- If all else fails, a white lie never hurts. “I have therapy,” “I have a growth on my toe and need to puncture it with a needle,” or “you know the thing where to alleviate stress you tie yourself into a sweatshirt and lightly sing Frank Sinatra’s greatest hits?” Get creative here.
- There is little to no privacy in college. Dorm room walls are thin, but you might as well embrace it. Maybe your noises will inspire others!
Becca Ackerman ’25 (rackerman@college.harvard.edu) was recently moved into the common room of her suite and has yet to figure out her roommate’s schedule.