Wake up West Cambridge-siders. It’s that time of year again. Lamont’s air is thick with the scent of coffee and desperation, Cabot social hour is no longer an option, and Kettle Cooked Pop Corners are nowhere to be found in the Science Center vending machines. That’s right. It’s midterm season, and I, a (very experienced) first-year, have a few tips that will guarantee you ace your first exam.
- Study intoxicated
It is no surprise that many Harvard students are inherently academic masochists. They love the adrenaline they get from the art of procrastination and their inevitable rising cholesterol levels as they proudly carry El Jefe’s and pillows into the Lamont basement conference rooms at 3am, ready to learn about the hippocampus for their anatomy exam in 5 hours.
But have you ever tried a post-Harvard Brown tailgate Expos 20 paper grind? Or a 9am EC 10 debate the morning after Thirsty Thursday? A Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte mixed with the perfect levels of hang-xiety is a sure way to convince everyone that AI should be permitted to grow unregulated. Even better, stroll into the debate in your Friday-night toga party outfit, leaving everyone in awe of how a fitted sheet makes your argument that much stronger.
- Pull a Cabot all-nighter
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, Clover adopting a 24-hour operating schedule Monday through Thursday would be more lucrative than directing tourists to the COOP. Midterm season profits alone could fund the drastic shift from Cinnamon Toasters to authentic Cinnamon Toast Crunch in the dining halls if we all embraced the “always open” library mantra.
If you thought paying fourteen dollars for ten strawberries at the Science Center Plaza Farmers Market was a new low, witnessing the Cabot security guard night-to-morning shift change can be one of the more humbling moments of your academic career. However, the possibilities are endless in a 2am delirium. Stat 210 midterm? Easy. What is the probability that the audience will pick Felipe’s when deciding between Joe’s, Jefe’s, CVS Chipwich, and Felipe’s for a little midnight grub? Struggling with your Death and Immortality freshman seminar? Get that extra credit and learn the entire material of course after a week of no sleep! Bonus points if your heart gives out during the midterm itself.
- Leave Smith Collaborative Commons social hour and lock- in (for Football Sunday)
If you really think about it, what’s more important? A Phil 7 midterm where both the TAs and the students know what a colossal waste of time the lectures have been, or keeping up-to-date with the latest Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce drama? And just so you seem like a true NFL fan, “Long Story Short” the 49ers beat the Dallas Cowboys in a landslide and somehow the Detroit Lions still have a positive record.
Those Nicomachean Ethics have been around since 340BC, and they are not going anywhere if you decide to leave the Smith Center and roll up to a Canaday athlete’s dorm for the classic American experience of Bud Light and a miniature flat screen. And who knows? Thinking about the pixels that dance through the jumbotron or the varying decibel count of every quarter buzzer may just help you with that CS 50 exam.
So when lamentations about the Math 1a and 1b exams circulating freshman dorms start to slow, and the Farnsworth Reading Room at Lamont is no longer as busy as Harvard Yard at 11:45 am, I hope you are sitting on Canvas, looking at your grades, knowing you did damn well.
XoXo.
Sara Kumar ’27 (sjkumar@college.harvard.edu) writes satire for the Harvard Independent.