Dear Taybah,
I have been dating my boyfriend seriously for a few months now. However, I consider myself to be a religious and spiritual person, whereas he is completely non-religious. I thought that as long as my partner had a strong moral framework from which he lived his life, then I would be content. Basically, everyone tries to be a good person. But recently, he said he found belief in God ‘irrational’ and at odds with the rest of my personality (I study integrative biology). It feels like he is rejecting a big part of who I am, which hurts.
— An upperclassman woman in Leverett House
Dear Leverett Woman,
Thank you so much for writing in and sharing your concerns so openly. It’s clear that you are navigating some significant differences in belief systems, which can be challenging in a relationship. I would advise you to independently clarify your personal values before listening to each other’s perspectives through open, honest conversations about your differing beliefs. It is worth considering if these differences are something you can navigate or if they might be a fundamental challenge to the relationship.
I shared your concerns with Swami Tyagananda, Harvard’s Hindu Chaplain. Tyagananda advised that even if you dismissed your boyfriend’s words as a “misguided opinion,” it “still would hurt to think that [you are] being told that what is sacred to [you] is irrational.” He also posed that the “implication would mean that [you are] an irrational person.” I can understand how this might feel like a rejection of a significant part of who you are. It’s important to recognize and validate your feelings.
Part of this recognition may also entail understanding what you want in a relationship. Before talking to him, it might be helpful to map out more clearly for yourself what you’re seeking in a partner morally, spiritually, and religiously. It’s clear to me you have done some introspection as to which value systems are important to you. You state that a “strong moral framework” in your partner is desirable. What does this mean practically, and does your current partner share these values? How does your scientific background marry with your religious beliefs? Additionally, consider if your requirements would be the same if the relationship were to become more casual.
Eventually, I would suggest speaking to your boyfriend about your concerns. Tyagananda agreed, suggesting, “It will be helpful for [you] to have an honest conversation with [your] partner about this, especially if [you are] thinking in terms of a long-term relationship.”
I recognize that taking this step to be vulnerable about your core values might feel difficult. However, consider that you have dated seriously for several months. This suggests to me that you have a strong connection and respect for one another, which creates grounds for a solid foundation for these conversations. Given the duration of your relationship, it’s a natural time to engage in deeper discussions about your beliefs and values. Especially as your lives become more intertwined, enhancing your understanding of one another can help you determine if you are in a compatible relationship.
In navigating this situation, open and honest communication is absolutely essential. Expressing your feelings to your boyfriend in a non-confrontational manner can make both sides feel heard and dissolve the remaining tension. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I felt hurt when you called my belief ‘irrational’ because religion is an integral part of who I am.” See how this focuses on discussing feelings, words, actions, beliefs, and values rather than making judgments about each other’s character or intelligence.
It seems like he’s been honest about his views, even if it may have been difficult to hear. Hear his thoughts on why theism is ‘irrational.’ The Pew Research Centre found 51% of American scientists believe in a deity, and many Nobel prize winners including D.H.R Barton, Christian Anfinsen, Arno Penzias and Abdus Salam, have openly discussed their belief in a God in Margenau and Varghese’s book, ‘Cosmos, Bios, Theos’, (1997). It seems that for many researchers, adhering to scientific reasoning and religious traditions are not mutually exclusive. That you highlight your concentration in Integrative Biology suggests science and religion are both important parts of you, and exploring this together could be of interest.
Finding consensus may take work. The key is to first find out if he thinks less of you or your intellect because of your beliefs and then go from there. Spirituality or belief may not be something you can ever connect with him on, and you need to think about whether you are okay with that. Maybe a belief in God is non-negotiable. Is growing spiritually together a priority, or is it more of an individual pursuit for you? We often turn to our partners first for guidance and help with decision-making, which means their values can shape your own. But we can never expect our partners to adopt or assimilate to our beliefs. To do so would be to disrespect each other’s autonomy. Still, it may be possible to find some middle ground by reflecting on shared ideals.
I hope your conversations will be a source of intimacy and support. Tyagananda concluded, “These things can get complicated over time.” It is better to resolve this problem before it festers into resentment. If your beliefs and values stay incompatible, or in the case of irreconcilable differences, consider an amicable separation for your well-being. Seeking advice from a professional or Harvard’s religious chaplains could offer more impartial guidance.
All the best,
Taybah
Taybah Crorie ‘25 (taybahcrorie@college.harvard.edu) is an advice column fanatic and Bioengineering concentrator who has navigated her fair share of religious conundrums.