Although weed is strictly forbidden by the Harvard College Student Handbook, for the sake of this article, let’s pretend that killjoy little booklet of rules magically disappeared.
Harvard is well-known for its diverse and impressive student body. It is likely one of the reasons you gave for wanting to attend this school aside from its U.S. News ranking. It’s truly a surreal experience to live among and become closely acquainted with Olympic athletes, relatives of global leaders, and child actors. As much as I love bragging about my adjacent fame to friends back home, even the most mundane member of the Harvard community likely has insane lore and would make a wonderful addition to the sacred space of this blunt rotation.
With reading period and finals to look forward to in the coming weeks, I have decided that to actively avoid the diabolical state of my academics, I will write unserious articles for the Independent! I present to you this list of who I would include in my Harvard dream blunt rotation.
- Justice Professor and American Political Philosopher Michael Sandel
Whether you took GENED 1200: “Justice: Ethical Reasoning in Polarized Times” this past fall, or you simply sat in on his speech regarding intellectual vitality at the beginning of this school year, Professor Sandel is the obvious first draft pick for this smoke sesh. The way in which Sandel can capture the attention of an audience (even nine hundred exhausted students in Sanders) can be described as nothing less than the apogee of academic aura. Sandel once divulged how he applied his studies in political philosophy to evaluate the just acquisitions and transfer of his children’s baseball card trades. Because of this fact, I am certain that Sandel would, at the very least, bring an interesting philosophical vibe to the function. After all, he seems to be intellectual vitality’s final boss.
- Upperclassmen Course Assistants
I think we can all agree that upperclassmen are your lifeline on campus, especially if you are a freshman. Ninety-nine percent of the time, CAs are not just valuable assets when it comes to surviving courses, but also extraordinarily chill. There have been numerous instances where I have gone to office hours, and instead of doing work, I ended up just yapping with a course assistant. They are wonderful people. Although they may indulge in conversation since they are getting paid, or because they get entertainment from watching us suffer through courses that they have already survived, I generally find CAs to be some of the most nonchalant motherfuckers on campus. CAs, we welcome you to the blunt rotation.
- Human Chatbot Outside of the Science Center
For some reason, everyone I have talked to about this has no idea who I am speaking of. Perhaps this is just a figment of my imagination, but I swear there is someone who stands outside of the Science Center in a robot costume holding a sign that says, “Ask me questions.” I refer to this person as the Human Chatbot. Not only do I find this utterly hilarious, but I also respect this person’s performative protest against the societal takeover by artificial intelligence as he bravely takes on the questions of strangers who cross his path like a personified version of ChatGPT. I have yet to ask them a question, but due to their apparent immunity to social anxiety and creative spirit, I would gladly invite the human chatbot to a smoke session.
- Dean Khurana
I don’t really have much of an explanation for this choice. I just think that Khurana does an impeccable job of engaging with students and relating to the youth. I’m also obsessed with Khuranagram and love his influencer era. Two thumbs up for Dean Khurana!
- Any A cappella Group’s Beatboxer
This choice is non-negotiable. My previous selections have been people I think would make good conversationalists and not hinder the immaculate vibes of the function I’m crafting. However, let us not forget the importance of good entertainment! Imagine you are high off your ass, and someone starts beatboxing. You would probably be able to hear everybody’s minds implode. But seriously, I think members of the beatboxing community need to capitalize on the fact that most of them have an insane party trick up their sleeves.
- Honorable Mentions: Remy the Cat, Sasha the Police Dog, and the Kirkland Mouse
Logistically, these picks can’t actively partake in the activities. However, I think having the Harvard student body’s class pets present would be a wonderful finishing touch. Remy would be an undeniable fan favorite and perfect for a photo op. Sasha would be there for emotional support (obviously). Finally, I think a strong argument can be made for the Kirkland mouse. Once, I was studying alone in Lamont during the wee hours of the night when a little mouse came out of the woodwork to keep me company. Something about this experience was utterly wholesome, so I would champion that the internet-famous Kirkland mouse has a rightful place as a class pet. That being said, rats are NOT invited to the function.
If you, too, find yourself on the verge of a crashout, take a deep breath (or a long pull) and reflect on the wealth of social opportunity you have here at Harvard. I cannot deny that ninety-nine percent of the time, I question if people who are not chronically concerned about internship opportunities, p-sets, and papers exist in the world.
Let’s face it, this place can be fucking draining at times. The social scene is far from perfect. Despite this, the people, while the furthest thing from normal, are probably some of the coolest we will ever be surrounded by. Plus, who wants to be normal anyway? Take some time to reflect on who is around you and talk with a stranger, even if they are the Science Center Chatbot.
Rather unfortunately, this article will be the only lit thing Merlin partakes in this April 20.