Satire: The Snowflake Epidemic

Despite the venomous Left claiming that global warming is a problem, just weeks ago, the United States was hit by a sudden winter storm that blanketed the country in feet of snow. In Boston, the more prestigious campuses shut down, giving students an emergency day off from classes. But the indoctrinating Ivy that is Harvard determined that it was best to jeopardize students for an extra day of wokeism. 

While many herald Harvard as a producer of leaders across all facets of innovation, I, an outcast of the Harvard conservative movement, recognize the school for its actual mission: the manufacturing of snowflakes. Society today is plagued by a “Snowflake Epidemic” where the Left agenda is spreading hyper-sensitivity in younger generations under the guise of social justice. The increased number of snowflakes is actually the root cause of the January winter storm.

To clarify, a snowflake is someone with an unwarranted sense of entitlement and excessive emotional sensitivity. Notable examples include: Will Smith after a G.I. Jane joke, anyone who says “Venti” instead of “large” at Starbucks, and people who shush you in Lamont’s quiet sections. 

The rise of snowflakes has gravely impacted our way of life. It used to be that boys would go outside to play, and if they got hurt, they just sucked it up. These experiences made them “men.” Now, they spend their time in front of those damn screens drinking matcha? Balderdash! It used to be that women stayed at home to take care of the household, and the men went out to provide. Now the female population can gain a proper education and exercise their own agency, while the testosterone-high citizens argue about being “performative.” I doubt Adam ever expected Eve to take his place when he “gave” her a rib. 

The Snowflake Epidemic is a lesser-known theory, shared by my fellow patriots and me, that must reach the proverbial surface. This disgusting outbreak suggests that every issue plaguing society can be attributed to the increase of “snowflakes,” cultivated by the brainwashing of the woke Left. 

One of the biggest contributors to the Snowflake Epidemic is undoubtedly Harvard. This outbreak has led to increased campus—and New England-wide—snowfall that terrorizes our ability to venture outdoors.

To prove that Harvard is a mass producer of snowflakes, one need only look at the Institute of Politics and its spring Visiting Fellows: Pete Buttigieg ’04 and Kevin McCarthy. Why does the center of political life at Harvard have equal representation from both parties? Doesn’t DEI ensure that the minority political party on campus receives greater representation? If it were up to me, the fellows would both be fair and balanced superstars like Erika Kirk and Nick Fuentes.

A new development, however, is the invasion of these snowflakes into the Right. What once was a paradigm of American values has now become tainted by wokeism. It has seized control of all our favorite conservative outlets: Fox News, “The Daily Wire,” the First Amendment community, and even Harvard’s own “Salient.” 

It’s truly a shame to watch my old stomping grounds—the conservative institutions I once trusted—be consumed with notions of equality. I’ve had enough. It’s time to reveal the truth.

So how does Harvard contribute to the recent snowstorms this once-great country is facing? “Scientists” claim that climate change is the cause. They attempt to distract the modern man, confusing us with big words and complicated theories. If these experts expect me to believe that a greenhouse gas (whatever that is) can be dangerous, they’re mistaken. As a once-prominent voice among Harvard’s staunchest conservatives, I’m qualified enough to inform you: we must blame wokeism for creating people who actively work to increase the amount of snow that falls. The snowflakes are responsible for the snow!

As temperatures drop and snow piles up, it becomes more challenging to enjoy the outdoors. Instead of “real men” playing Hopscotch in the great outdoors, they are forced to bundle up indoors as they watch the indoctrinating media of the Left, like “Sesame Street.” Clearly, the sheer amount of snowfall is evidence of a plot by the snowflakes to ensure that everyone joins their ranks. Liberals must be melting the ice caps and blowing Arctic air south.

By creating snowflakes, Harvard perpetuates extreme weather. These wimps continue to melt the ice caps, forcing others to become snowflakes themselves. To encourage the melting ice caps, I have decided to create a new movement: Save The Ocean from Pillaging by the Indoctrinated Crybaby Extremists, also known as STOP ICE.

For more information about how to STOP ICE or to regain your manhood, join me for my in-person forum: the John Adams Society. 

Thayer J. Y. Gauldin will not fall for any indoctrinating propaganda.