I am proud to announce that I have accepted a position as an incoming Summer Analyst in local distribution of petroleum products at ExxonMobil. I want to take the time to thank Dan. Dan, I know you probably aren’t on Linkedin and that you live off the grid to hide from the government. I hope you know you served as a mentor when you fell asleep on the counter and I was forced to pump my own gas. With this opportunity ahead of me, I’m looking forward to gaining invaluable experience and will continue to uphold the highest standards of service and integrity.
Experience:
IHop
1 mo
New York, New York
Underwater Ceramics Repairman July 2019 – July 2019
Worked as an Underwater Ceramics Repairman at IHop. Washed over 300 dishes a day for one day. Gained invaluable experience and knowledge in the short time I was there. Left because of disagreement with management about tip jar discrepancy.
Chipotle
19 mos
Jackson, Wyoming
Line Cook Overseer January 2018 – July 2019
Handled possible E. Coli samples at Chipotle. Individually handled 3 petri dishes and made notes of changes within them in 30 second intervals. Left because of disagreement with management about tip jar discrepancy.
Self-Employed
3 mos
Miami, Florida
November 2017 – January 2018
Took a voluntary career break and interned as a defendant for an assault case.
Greyhound
8 mos
Miami, Florida
Transportation Executive
March 2017 – November 2017
Worked up through the corporate ranks at Greyhound and was promoted to a corner office with a $300,000 company vehicle. Drove 40-50 passengers daily, serving as an instrumental figure and mentor during their daily commutes. Left because of an assault charge.
Entrepreneur
2 yrs 11 mos
San Diego, California
April 2014 – March 2017
Worked as a freelance pharmaceutical distributor with a clientele of 30 people. After losing 3 of my clients to car accidents and 7 of them to overdoses, I retired from Small Pharma.
Incident Report
Date: 10/25/2021. Time: 15:30
Location: Near the outskirts of the forest, by the Shepherd’s Trail, behind Old McDonald’s farm.
Involved Parties: Suspect, Unidentified Boy (deceased)
The following is a transcript of the conversation:
Can you tell me what exactly happened here?
I…I don’t understand why he did this to himself. He was so young…so young…
Can you elaborate on that?
I was minding my own business, Officer, when…a boy crawled up to me, crying and sobbing. He said he was tired, tired of the loneliness, the mockery. He felt isolated, ignored even. He said he wanted to prove to everyone that he wasn’t lying.
And then?
And then…he just…walked right into my mouth. I was shocked, I didn’t know what to do. I tried to spit him out, but…but it was too late. He was gone, already digested. I… I need a minute.
It’s ok…just calm down. Deep breaths…yes, yes like that. Here’s a tissue. Did you call for help when this occurred?
I tried, Officer, I really did. But nobody came. They all thought it was just another false alarm. Nobody came to help.
I see. I’m sorry you had to go through this, Mr….Mr…
Mr. Wolf.
Mr. Wolf. We’ll update the boy’s family and let them know what happened. I think I know who the real murderer is.
You do?
It’s… it’s society that has failed the boy. He must have been so lonely…so desperate. What a tragedy…
Investment
It’s Rachel’s birthday tomorrow. What do you think I should get her?
How long you been together for?
Coming up on 3 years now. Why?
I mean you should go all out. No holding back this year. I’m thinking like a $350 budget.
You think so? I’m not sure sh–
You should get her some Garden Yogis.
What?
Yeah a collection of garden gnomes in yoga poses.
As a gift?
Yeah, I mean they don’t break or take up too much space or anything. Top notch quality.
I’m not sure she’d like them. I mean I was thinking like a nice bracelet would be pretty cute.
You know what I think is cute? Garden gnomes doing Warrior I.
Maybe we should keep thinking.
Or like garden gnomes doing a high crescent lunge. Isn’t she into nature and garden stuff?
Is this what it is? Listen man, I’m not gonna buy that junk you bought last year as an “investment.”
What investment? They’re priceless to me.
I didn’t even know you kept that shitty collection.
Where else would it be? I’ve got 250 lbs of terracotta clay spread across my garage. Nobody wants a dozen garden gnomes in an eagle pose.
You just said they’re top notch quality!
Yeah to you, I need to unload them.
I’m your best friend…
They…they…look real. And they really are top notch quality.
I’m gonna go with the bracelet.
…
But if the bracelet is too expensive…
20 gnomes doing the downward doggy.
Huh?
20 gnomes doing the downward doggy.
What if she hates it? I don’t want her to break up with me because of some shitty gift.
Hey man, just remember. Love doesn’t compound interest.
Denny Gulia-Janovski ’26 (dguliajanovski@college.harvard.edu) writes Satire for the Independent.