Sex and Salary Transparency

There are a few subjects that you just don’t bring up at the dinner table; sex and salary are at the top of the list. Not exactly what you want to unpack with your grandparents over pie. Yet it isn’t just among relatives that people hold back on discussing these “taboo” topics. Sex and salary are personal details at the core of who we are; they are intimate parts of our lives that we’ve been conditioned to see as shameful. How can something so intrinsic to everyday life and society be censored from conversations, even with your closest friends? 

The very topics we are conditioned not to discuss, sex and salary, are precisely the ones that deserve open conversation. Breaking the culture of quiet not only empowers individuals to take charge of their bodies and finances, but also, challenges the systems that benefit from our hushed complacency. 

I think it is precisely these issues deemed inappropriate that act almost like a red button for conversation—the topics people are desperate to talk about, relate over, and use to gauge whether they are “normal.” Once the seal of the taboo is broken, it can feel like an exhale we didn’t realize we were holding—a small release that reminds us we aren’t alone in our experiences. 

Generally speaking, not discussing money is considered classy, humble—a way to keep your cards close to your chest. If people don’t know your next move, you’re one step ahead in a cutthroat world. In a 2020 New York Times article, Jessica Bennett noted that modern women discuss money, negotiation, and fiscal aspirations. This transparency is a way to reclaim the idea that finances are a masculine field. True, but only if you actually talk about salary. How else will you know what benefits to negotiate for, what your salary should be, and what promotions are within reach? 

Instead of having these conversations out in the open, they often take place around coffee machines or in hallway corners. Not having these conversations benefits only one party: the employer, who profits from employee isolation. Salary transparency can level the playing field. In fact, Massachusetts recently passed a salary transparency law, which includes a pay range not only when applying to new positions, but also upon request for current employees. If everyone reveals their slice of the cake, it becomes clearer when and how to ask for more, while also revealing discrepancies in the workplace, namely, the wage gap. 

“Forget talking about our sex lives. The modern woman is talking about money,” the subtitle of the article reads. However, I believe the modern woman can, and should, talk about both. Salary transparency is often considered analytically, while disclosing sex lives is addressed anecdotally. Both are private matters that, when approached candidly, strengthen individual understanding and agency. 

The idea of the modern woman is fluid and endlessly referenced, yet often poorly defined. Harm comes when we try to pigeonhole women into one box or another, treating waves of feminism as fleeting rather than building on each other. Equal rights for women have long encompassed financial freedom and sexual liberation. Where does this liberation begin, and how does it transform from collective to personal, from the big to the small? 

Frankly, I’ve been talking about it much of my life. My mother raised me to believe that sex should never be shameful, that I should feel empowered in my choices around my body and sexuality, with the motherly caveat that I treat myself with respect. Because of her, I have never regarded sex as a dirty thing, something to be whispered about in giggles with friends. Although I do, of course, giggle with my friends, these giddy exchanges often lead to more serious conversations, sprinkled with laughter. 

In high school, my friends and I shared the juicy and awkward encounters we had, along with the very real feelings, anxieties, and pressures we all experienced. At times, those of us more “experienced” would relay techniques, anecdotes, and the otherwise embarrassing happenings that naturally arise in the bedroom. Because sex was such a normalized matter, there was no fear of judgment in our friend group. These conversations became educational. From Venmo-ing our friend to serve as our unofficial vibrator dealer to the laughter-filled reenactments, those shared moments freed us from the isolation of mystery.

While silence around pay stifles financial autonomy, silence around sex suppresses pleasure. Both are forms of censorship that limit understanding, progress, and satisfaction. If pleasure is a quality-of-life metric, then surely we should be talking about sex more to increase collective intimacy. Research suggests that, especially for women, expressing admiration and comfort can boost sexual arousal. Essentially, “pillow talk” can lead to closeness and greater satisfaction. 

Some platforms have served as outlets for this demand, particularly around women’s roles. One of the most popular is the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, led by Alex Cooper. It became a hit, especially among young women seeking “older sister” advice on navigating boys, dating, and sex. My friends and I listened often, yet the podcast only imitates real conversation. Raunchy and entertaining, it lacks the depth and mutual exchange that comes from talking with friends. 

Societal norms often impede discussions about sex; whether religions preach “no sex until marriage,” or high school rumors circulate insulting labels like “slut,” being outspoken about sex is likely to be met with judgment. Similarly, there has been a history of companies discouraging open talks about pay to prevent internal strife and maintain a competitive advantage in the hiring market, even after laws have been implemented to protect workers; stigma persists, especially for marginalized communities. 

The provocative nature of “Call Her Daddy” pushed back against these standards, diving headfirst into the murky waters of women in power, both in the bedroom and in the workplace. This movement stands in contrast to the rise of conservatism and the label of “Trad Wife,” which reinforces the historic trope of the submissive woman and ultimately romanticizes this role. The revival of “Trad Wife” rhetoric not only threatens women in the workplace but can also intensify the orgasm gap by viewing women as bystanders and homemakers rather than agents in sex. 

The measure of pleasure is ultimately personal. That pleasure comes not only from sexual satisfaction and adventure, but from the openness to consider and challenge the unknown. 

A rising tide lifts all ships. We can all agree that we want to be paid more and orgasm more. How will we know what is out there—in the bedroom and the office—without exploring vulnerability and engaging in honest conversation? 

Sophia Gonzalez ’28 (sophiagonzalez@college.harvard.edu) hopes you discuss the taboo to level the playing field for all.