Six Poems You Shouldn’t Send To Your Brand New Situationship

BY: SHAMELESS SHAKESPEARE ’27

It’s been too long since you’ve made me cum,

It’s not your fault Zoloft’s making me numb.

Still, though, a girl has needs

And I don’t like to plead

So I think we should have a threesome.

Shakespeare’s sonnets fall short of describing

The pounding in my naughty bits when I gaze at you

Your sultry eyes sing, I can’t stop thinking

About everything I want to do

Forty-five seconds was far too short

It’s just because I loved so much about your body

Next time we together cavort

I swear my weiner will behave less shoddy

Happy Valentine’s!

Open relationship, please?

Also, I have crabs.

It’s been only one week since we met, but

Last night I couldn’t stop thinking about the

Overwhelming feelings of love and lust that I have for you.

Very, very, very strong feelings. And a wet dream or two.

Every minute of every day (since last Monday)

Your face, your body, your laughter dance across my mind.

Obsessed is the only word I can use to describe how possessive I feel.

Until I see you next, adieu, my beautiful princess.

The night we met was such good fun

I felt so alive, it’s clear you’re the one.

But the long night took a toll on my holes

So maybe it’s time that we switch our roles

I don’t want to sound like I’m begging

But I need to ask—how do you feel about pegging?

Set me as a seal upon your heart,

As a seal upon your arm,

For love is strong as death,

Jealousy is fierce as the grave.

Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord.

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.

Song of Songs 8:6-7 (ESV)

…u still up?

This anonymous author has definitely never had a situationship (and thus no one to send creative poetry to).

These poems are semi-crowdsourced, fully vetted, and once or twice tested.