So you’re looking for a job? Well then, you’re in the right place.
Here at the Harvard Independent, we know that navigating the job market is like trying to date someone in this day and age. Confusing. Miserable. And just when you think you’re on the up, you’re hit with yet another blow.
But there’s no need to fear. Technicals, coffee chats, and super days are right around the corner, and we have everything you need to know before heading to that Goldman Sachs recruiting event.
**WARNING: This guide may lead to an overwhelming number of LinkedIn connection requests.**
What is the job for me?
This is the most important question to ask yourself before going any further in this guide. Naturally, answering this boils down to how much money you want to make over the course of the next fifty years of your life.
Nine to five feeling far too basic for you? Look no further than venture capital or private equity. We’ve heard your supervisors will even pay for a free in-office snack after midnight! With such generous bosses, why would you not want to work in one of these coveted positions?
Or perhaps you want to take a different route. The Independent can’t make this decision for you, but wants to remind you that you already missed the HUCG application deadline. If you aren’t currently making your spring comp slide deck, we suggest you stop reading here since you don’t have a chance of even reaching the interview stage.
The Prep Work
If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! You are truly committed to finding success, and just five more minutes of your time could be the difference between visiting your parents’ house or living in it.
First impressions matter, and a good résumé is imperative to your success in the recruiting process. The most important thing to remember when boiling down your entire character onto one page is to be different. Everyone uses Times New Roman on an eight-and-a-half by eleven sheet of paper. But think about Elle Woods’ originality. While we would not recommend copying her pink, scented vision, here at the Independent, we want to remind you that size, in this case, matters. The only way to make your résumé better is to make it bigger! Find the largest poster board possible, and get cooking.
The Interview Itself
Play hard to get: Forget about the suit and briefcase. Channel your inner Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network and show up in that bathrobe and slippers. The interviewer will see your confidence, confuse it with professionalism, and likely hire you on the spot. It’s even better if you’re a little late. Showing up fifteen minutes after your intended start time shows your interviewer you are the main event. No one wants an employee with no outside life.
Don’t settle: When you walk into that room, quickly take notice of the person who is about to shake your hand. Sweaty palms? A skinny tie? It is obvious that this person is not important enough to talk to you. Refuse to sit down until the head of recruiting arrives. Know your worth.
List your best assets: Performing well in a job interview may very well be the most important thing you will ever do in your life, and selling yourself short is a guaranteed way to end up unemployed. Don’t be modest. Your interviewer should know if you were the line leader in first grade.
Estimate: A little rounding up never hurt anyone. Did you pull weeds from your garden, or did you save an entire arboretum from an invasive species? Do you have two weeks of experience or two years? Personally, we don’t see much of a difference. And what are your interviewers going to do? Fact-check? We doubt it.
The rule of six: You didn’t walk all the way from Lamont Library to a recruiting event for Blackstone at the Barker Center just to learn that their starting salary is inadequate. If they offer anything less than six figures, walk right out of that door, and don’t stop until you end up on Wall Street.
Borrow that cup of sugar: There’s no shame in ringing up your dad’s cousin’s dog’s best friend’s owner’s neighbor. Ask for that internal referral. Don’t be shy!
The Follow-up
Oh, so you thought the interview was over when you walked out the door? Rookie mistake. The follow-up is just as crucial as showing up in the first place. “Tens, tens, tens across the board” is the slogan to remember.
Ten seconds after you say your goodbyes, write an email with your most profound “thank you.” Consulting Bruce Mitchell’s A Guide to Old English will ensure that you are not being too informal.
Ten minutes after that, shoot a text asking your interviewer to get coffee. This will remind them that you are a candidate who goes beyond the cubicle.
When you’ve reached the ten-hour mark, it’s time to pick up that landline. Give your interviewer a call and let them know how much fun you had getting to know them today. And don’t worry. If they seem annoyed on the phone, it’s just because they are thinking about how horrible their life is going to be while they wait for you to sign that job offer paperwork.
We can guarantee that if you follow all of these steps, a Patagonia vest, checkered button-down, and khakis will most definitely be in your future.
The Job Recruitment Foundation is hosting a career fair in Tasty Basty this Saturday night.