The One with the Ghoster
On a campus with so many students, the world often feels unexpectedly small. It raises the question: is it truly possible to ghost someone? For those who have been the unfortunate victim, you eventually reach the point where you stop waiting for the text back and instead look forward to making awkward eye contact the next time you spot them across the Yard. You know you have won that battle when they make an Irish exit—the very moment you walk into a party.
The One with the Neverending Hookup
There will always be the one that never actually ends. No matter how messy the initial goodbye was, they are still the one you can count on to answer a drunken call or text. The storyline could not be more toxic. You started talking because you met in section fall of freshman year; two months later, they were sneaking into your dorm at one in the morning after their friends thought they had gone home for the night. This goes on for months with no labels, no words spoken in the presence of others, and no end in sight. When things finally start to get serious (you actually go out in public together), it seems like you might get into your first Harvard relationship! Sike! Your birthday rolls around, and after one too many drinks, they reveal that they are not “looking for something serious right now” and end it.
Or so you thought, until a drunk text at 12:30 a.m. three weeks later. You think, “No, don’t do this, you respect yourself more than letting this person back into your life.” Seven minutes later, they’re standing at your door, and every emotion you’ve been suppressing for the past seven months comes rushing back. After a fabulous and fleeting night together, you swear it will never happen again—and keep it to yourself, afraid your friends will mock you for speaking to them again.
Fast forward three years, and you are still each other’s hookup buddies senior spring. You may have had another partner in that period, but that was not enough to keep their number blocked. You’re not over them and you will never actually get over them. Maybe you’re holding out hope that they might want to have a real talk about their feelings, or maybe you never charge your vibrator.
The One with the Denier
This one comes as a surprise, as it is not someone who denies their feelings for you, but rather one who denies having ever done anything with you. You were seen in public, met each other’s roommates, and they were sleeping over almost every night. When it ended, there was no bad blood, just the unfortunate pit in your stomach that made you overanalyze every interaction. Then, you hear through the grapevine that they are acting as if they never even met you—a harsh reminder that the best companion in bed will always be your weighted blanket.
The One with the Neighbor
As easy and convenient as it is, it is never worth it. But you know this, don’t you? That is why, from the very start, you promised yourself that it would never be anything more than just a friendship. It all started with a knock on the door with an invitation to smoke, but those details will be saved for the Weed Issue. You can imagine the excitement when we open the door to our attractive neighbor standing there. Not only did I think my neighbor was cute, but so did my roommate! Giving even MORE reason for nothing to EVER happen! As good friends do, we decided the best approach was to let the neighbor flirt with both of us and for neither of us to do anything about it. Definitely not a recipe for disaster, right? After all, the neighbor has to choose eventually!
Over time, you and your roommate lose interest (I mean, what did you expect from flirting with roommates? Seriously.) and start focusing your attention on other people. You brush off the flirting, despite secretly enjoying it, and make a point to say, “We shouldn’t do that, that would make it too complicated,” and the classic, “I don’t want to lose you as a friend.” But of course, you get responses like, “It’s not that deep, if we want to, we should, it’d be fun,” and, “No, of course, it wouldn’t ruin our friendship, I would NEVER let that happen.” Well, spoiler alert—it did.
Needless to say, “housecest,” and especially “floorcest,” never ends well. Although there may not be all that many fish in the Harvard Sea, there is an entire ocean of Boston that some final clubs seem to flock to—at least for one-off date events. I say take one out of their Playboy book and find someone outside of the Harvard bubble. Frankly, it is easier to forget and pretend someone does not exist if you are not being reminded of them at every horrible HUDS meal.
The One with Feelings(???)
Can two people who are attracted to one another ever just be friends? Well, I would argue yes, but time and time again, I am proven wrong by cis-men. Why are you sending me a shirtless selfie from the gym at 10 a.m. on a Wednesday? Do I have to spell it out for you? We are either friends or partners. Friends with benefits is so freshman year.
Dumb and Dumber have actually had successful situationships.