Despite the Chiefs defeating the Bills and the Eagles storming past the Commanders, our eyes are anywhere but Sunday. Super Bowl LIX will be a quarterback rematch between the back-to-back Super Bowl winner Patrick Mahomes and the newly reinforced Jalen Hurts. Football fans face a tough choice: sing along to the “illustrious” lyricism of “Fly, Eagles, Fly” or hope to see the refs call the defense for “phantom” roughing the passers whenever Mahomes gets touched.
Despite everyone bursting with enthusiasm to see the Chiefs once again reach the Super Bowl, your time is precious, and the Harvard Independent understands that. We could tell you to do your homework, but be honest: you are going to pretend to start it at 11 p.m. Therefore, we have compiled a list of the best ways to spend your day while waiting for Kendrick Lamar to open his mouth and win another Grammy. This list contains all the premier pastimes that even your campus tour won’t mention.
Link up on Sidechat
Perusing the Harvard channel on Sidechat reveals the romantic side of the student body. It’s clear: chivalry still exists and modesty is abundant. As one anonymous post offered, “Any girl wanna release some pressure tn? I’ll make you go seven times I promise. Hmu.” Why resort to Hinge or Tinder when your perfect mate is waiting for a public response? Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift? Pfftt. Try you and the guy (or gal) that wants to rail you. Exhausted the Harvard pool of bachelors and bachelorettes? Try the Ivy League channel—someone at Cornell is bound to be desperate for validation.
Go to an MIT frat. Solo.
Last semester, we covered the MIT frat experience. Cancel your weekend plans: MIT’s throwing for Superbowl Sunday. Enjoy the staggering atmosphere of sweat, heat, and the lack of alcohol (it is a vice after all). They say it is about the journey, not the destination, and what better trek than a solo adventure? Take in the skylines while crossing the Charles—alone. Eagerly wait in line for your favorite frat—alone. If you’re of the male variety, get denied by said frat because you are—alone. And if you do happen to get in, expect the police to arrive soon. But do not worry: the curb makes for great seating—especially when you’re alone.
Try out some Math 55 p-sets.
Want to experience the physical and mental toll of professional football without actually stepping on the field? Attempt a few Math 55 p-sets. Just like NFL playbooks, they make absolutely no sense, take way too much time, and will most likely drive you to drink. Instead of a linebacker taking you out, it’ll be abstract algebra. On the bright side, the only concussion you will receive is from banging your head on the table trying to figure out what “homotopy equivalence” is.
Comp the Crimson.
The Harvard Crimson is the oldest newspaper on campus. Writing for the many boards allows students to tailor their articles to their interests…just as long as their ideas can successfully get approved by historically “lenient” editors. Want to cover the surprising success of the Eagles rookie duo of Dejean and Blankenship? Too bad—not Harvard-related. Realize that News is not your thing and want to try Arts? Too bad—should have thought of that before you comped. All your work is well worth the effort for their raging parties…right?
Try to get a table at Tatte on a Sunday.
Walk into Tatte, and you will find a clientele that looks like they just stepped out of a J. Crew catalog. When it comes to their $42 iced matcha lattes, the Hist-Lit majors can’t seem to get enough of them. With the “grueling” amount of readings they have assigned, they will be sure to fill up every corner of the beloved coffee shop as they attempt to finish a 400-page analysis of “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere.” If you go at kick-off, you may even be able to grab a seat by half-time, but we would not bet on it.
Rewatch the Biden v. Trump Debate.
Who needs to watch Jalen Hurts run the ball for the 50th play in a row when you have real cinema? You can experience highlights like Biden’s inspirational immigration message: “I’m going to continue to move until we get to total ban—on the total initiative relative to what we’re going to do with more border patrol and more asylum officers.” He really has a way with words, doesn’t he? Or watch as President Trump dodges answering for his hush money to a porn star like he dodged jail time for his felony convictions. Just like this Super Bowl, everyone loses.
Get cut by a pre-professional club.
Congratulations on getting into Harvard! Get ready to join an even more exclusive club dedicated to making you do work that others are getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to do! Jump through hoops and hurdles as you hope that just one person on the board will maybe notice you. Compete with that one triple-legacy New York kid who already has his summer internship secured through Daddy’s company. Do not be surprised when you get ghosted—these clubs are even more competitive than Sunday’s game will be.
Refresh your inbox for internship rejections.
Who knew landing an unpaid internship would be more problematic than getting into Harvard? Skip the Super Bowl, and refresh that inbox for those “thank you for applying” emails. Bonus points if it says, “We’ll keep your résumé on file” which is just corporate-speak for “we’ll delete it immediately.” On the bright side, you could always study abroad for the second summer in a row!
Scour the cart for last-minute gems.
With the add/drop deadline rapidly approaching, you may be realizing that Medieval Studies 119: Constitutional and Legal History of Medieval Continental Europe is not as easy as you thought. Thankfully, you can ease your burden by taking a “gem,” the undergrad code word for easy A’s. With Sleep losing its shiny surface, you may have to sift through the 1,600 other courses. For some suggestions, we heard only good things about STAT 111. Alternatively, CS 161 is apparently a walk in the park. ECON 1011B is another must-take. A final option, follow our guide from last semester.
Go to Hell on Earth: New Haven.
Are you looking for something a little more murderous than repeatedly bashing your head into a wall of 300-pound linemen? Take a pleasant stroll through one of America’s most dangerous cities. Feel the rush of playing the sport Yalies are best at: dodging crime. Enjoy a delicious charred cracker that New Haveners, for some reason, call pizza. And once you have run out of a few things to do, take the train out (there isn’t a major airport in sight).
This list represents only a fraction of the hundreds of things we would rather do than watch this year’s Super Bowl. We won’t judge if you are a die-hard Eagles fan or simply adore Taylor Swift—it is your right to be wrong. However, remember that with only these two teams, no matter the outcome, America loses.
Tyler Dang ’28 (tylerdang@college.harvard.edu) believes the Titans will reach the Super Bowl this decade. Kalvin Frank ’28 (kfrank@college.harvard.edu) is still mourning the Detroit Lions’ loss to the Commanders.