The Art of Sexting

There are few things I appreciate more in life than a well-crafted sext. I have always, and will always, be a firm believer in the positive power of sexting. Truly good sexting requires a level of intimacy and understanding of your partner that a purely physical hookup often does not. To arouse someone through a screen, you have to become an effective communicator. Not just of imaginative action, but of sensation. You need to be highly attentive to what turns your partner on, and they need to communicate that back to you explicitly, because their body can’t.

Digital intimacy has become an expected aspect of modern relationships, but while the instant connection can grow a relationship, it can also cause its own problems. We’re expected to know how to be vulnerable with our partners and charm them without physical contact. While this has always been the case throughout time—Napoleon’s steamy letters to Josephine, Keats’s yearning poems for Fanny, Frida Kahlo’s lustful notes to Rivera—technology has made instant connection even easier, and thus more fragile. There are ethical dilemmas that arise—we’re forced to ask questions like: what does it mean to be sexting more than one person at once? Or what are the ethics around storing nudes from past relationships? Sexting is just as important a part of modern relationships as is physical chemistry and verbal communication. It requires an entirely new level of trust in your partner and your relationship.

Yet, just as many real-life sexual encounters can be underwhelming, there is a lot of bad sexting out there. People often make mistakes: being too aggressive, overly explicit with their language in a jarring way, or offering vague, lukewarm responses that kill the flow of conversation.

With this article, I intend to provide a (more or less) comprehensive beginner’s guide to sexting. In line with the principles of hands-on learning, which I believe are essential to becoming good at anything sex-related, I’ll be using examples from my own sexting repertoire as well as responses from the Indy Sex Survey. And, because I’m sure you don’t want just my opinion, I’ll occasionally include commentary from my current favorite sexting partner on certain examples. (Yes, we might’ve used some of your responses as nerdy foreplay). 

I’ll point out which aspects of each sext are additive versus subtractive, and by the end, hopefully, you’ll be both entertained and slightly more prepared to sext confidently. 

Example 1: Funny People Fuck

These sexts highlight an important principle: self-awareness and humor. Sexting is inherently unserious. It’s weird and hilarious to type your horniest thoughts onto a 3 in. x 5 in. glowing device and send them to another person permanently. Failing to recognize that can send you down the slippery slope of cringing out your partner. 

Just as natural laughter can enhance real sex, it’s good to giggle while sexting, too. Keeping things fun and light-hearted allows you to say bolder, more intense things without triggering the ick, because your partner is more likely to be receptive. At the end of the day, sexting (like sex) takes two to tango. It’s quick thinking and improvisation, so humor helps diffuse tension. As my partner put it, “the way we riff…translates to sexting.” If you can joke together, you can fuck together. 

Bonus points for the well-timed invisible ink moment, but minus points for the half-sentence in the last message. Fully formed sentences and proper grammar can go a long way.

Example 2: Coaching the Play-by-Play

A lot is happening here. While the detail is great, the delivery lacks a certain intimacy. As my partner described it, these texts feel “procedural.” She explained that “guys often focus on the acts rather than the feeling…so that leads to a lack of artistry.” I completely agree. 

First, the tone feels detached. The response is not exactly ecstatic. Even though sexy things are being described, there is no sense of how the intended recipient is meant to feel. Telling me I’ll be “thrown around” and that I WILL cum is hard to believe when there’s no passion behind it. 

For some people, this might work. According to some of my guy friends, this seems like a quality sext. The girls have all felt differently, calling it more cringe-inducing than libido-raising. Interpret that data as you will.

To improve: focus on the feeling that you, as a giver, want to create in your partner. Connect the physical action to the emotional response you’re trying to elicit. That’s what gets the butterflies fluttering.

Example 3: Consent & Knowing Each Other’s Kinks

As graphic as these sexts are, they illustrate an important principle: know your partner and remember that consent is sexy. It’s clear from these messages that both people understand each other’s preferences and dynamics. There’s a natural back-and-forth that builds momentum and consistent themes throughout. 

Sexting is about indulging in fantasies you are physically unable to act on in the moment. In this example, those fantasies are made clear, and both partners check in on and confirm what they want and enjoy. A pointed question not only works as dirty talk but also reinforces consent, which, let’s be honest, is incredibly hot. It really can be as simple as just recognizing, reiterating, and responding to your partner’s wishes.

Example 4: Reminiscence

Some of the best sexts aren’t about the future; they’re about the past. Remembering particularly hot sexual encounters can be just as arousing as anticipation. Sexting is timeless, allowing you to indulge your horniness at any hour of the day and from anywhere in the world. Conversely, that can also make the content feel more intangible.

Ground your sexts in real moments! These examples do an excellent job calling back to shared moments. Everyone knows how powerful a midday sex flashback can be; describing it in detail reminds your partner how much you enjoyed it, syncing your pleasure for next time. 

This approach also helps you figure out what your partner truly enjoys in bed, so you can keep doing those things. Sexting, in that way, is a valuable tool in learning how to please your partner. It allows you to test out things on text before real life. Frankly, it’s the easiest cheat code out there. Use it.

Example 5: Responding to a nude

Sexting doesn’t just involve words. I, for one, have been known to incorporate GIFs, stickers, emojis, voice messages, and most importantly, photos. Technology has allowed us to express desire in a variety of media, but it also means we have to be aware of how vulnerable that can make us. Appropriately responding to a nude photo can make or break the vibe. No one wants to send an exposing photo of themselves only to be met with “Oh, haha, cool” in return. 

These texts, sent in response to an exceptionally sexy nude, remind us that not every sext has to be explicit in its language. Take advantage of the full range of digital communication. A little yearning or tenderness makes the dirtier lines that follow feel more genuine and palatable.

At the end of the day, there is no single way to sext, but there are definitely techniques that work better than others. I’ve sexted very differently with various partners, but the fundamentals remain the same: sexting is about connection and communication. 

If you are both having fun, keep doing what you’re doing! And if you’re finding someone isn’t being responsive, switch it up! Just like sex, listen to your partner, be responsive, and, as always, make sure you have enthusiastic consent.

This anonymous author fears the day when people will begin regularly sexting with AI chatbots.