Ah, the quest for the perfect high. It’s a pursuit as old as time, and one that has confounded stoners for generations. But fear not, dear reader, for this guide will help you on your journey to getting really, really baked.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to achieving the perfect high. Different strains, different methods of consumption, and different personal preferences all play a role in determining what works best for you. First and foremost, know your limits. Start with a small amount, wait a bit, and see how you feel before deciding to take another hit. It’s much better to ease your way into things than to find yourself staring at the ceiling wondering if you’ll ever come down.
Here is an uncensored, uncompromised, and unfailing formula:
Take half as much as you planned to—be it hits of the joint, rips of the bong, or bites of an edible. As you start to feel the effects, make it a bit to find reasons to indulge in the other half. For example, take multiple hits upon receiving any canvas notification. Take an extra 5mg if it’s a midterm grade. Once you’ve had about 10mg, or three shared joints, indulge when it feels right— another 5mg one or two hours later won’t hurt. Once you’ve been staring at the same spot on the wall for 45 minutes, call it a night.
To reach the pinnacle of altered states, you’ll want to carefully curate your entourage. Surround yourself with people who share your values, like a total disregard for personal health and well-being, a lack of concern for legal consequences, and a deep desire to escape reality at any cost. Bonus points if they have a history of making terrible life decisions and/or a penchant for getting into unpredictable situations. Don’t choose strangers unless they come with good advice, a full Hydro Flask, or more weed; the best are individuals who are as empathetic as they are unhinged. People who can provide a safe and supportive environment to explore your complicated relationship with your mom without fear of judgment. Find those who inspire you to grow and learn, and who challenge you to be your best self by endlessly encouraging you to take another hit.
Next, choose your strain wisely. Choosing the right weed strain is a delicate art—a balancing act between science, intuition, and sheer dumb luck. First, do your research. Read up on the hundreds of strains out there, compare their THC and CBD levels, and consider their flavor profiles. Do you want something uplifting and energizing or something mellow and relaxing? Do you prefer a fruity, citrusy taste, or something more earthy and pungent?
Once you’ve narrowed it down to a few contenders, get experimental—try them all, mix and match, and pretend you can feel a difference. More importantly, forget everything you’ve just learned about strains and choose your weed based on the packaging you enjoy the most. And don’t forget to trust your gut—sometimes the right strain will choose you, revealing itself in the hour you spent deciding if a straw has one or two holes.
Once you’ve selected your strain, you must consider your method of consumption. First off, let’s talk joints—not only are the classic cannabis delivery systems easy to use and readily available, but they offer a quick and efficient high that’s perfect for those on the go. But the smoke can be harsh on your lungs, and the smell can be a dead giveaway to those around you (unless you’re into that sort of thing).
Next up, are bongs, or water-based contraptions that offer a smoother, cooler hit than joints, thanks to their filtration system. Bongs can be cumbersome to use and clean though, so the pocket-sized, phallic magic of weed pipes is a better way to go. Plus, they come in all shapes and sizes, from simple glass pipes to elaborate, neon-lit creations that would make even Dr. Seuss proud.
Finally, are edibles—these tasty treats offer a slow-burning, full-body high that can last for hours, perfect for a lazy Sunday afternoon. Keep in mind that edibles can be tricky to dose, and the effects can take up to an hour (or more) to kick in, leading to some unexpected trips down the rabbit hole. Your choice should depend on your personal preference and tolerance level, but mostly on your appetite for adventure.
If you had cavities as a child or enjoy pretending you’re a naughty kid sneaking candy from the jar, then gummy candy edibles will allow you to relive those sweet, innocent moments of stealing treats from the pantry. But if you’re more sophisticated, then chocolate edibles are the way to go. Nothing says “I have refined tastes” like indulging in a fancy chocolate truffle that also happens to get you high. And finally, for those who like to live dangerously, brownie edibles are a game of Russian roulette with your taste buds and your brain. You will never know how much THC is in each bite, so plan to sink into a couch and spout nonsensical “hot takes” for at least an hour.
Contrary to popular belief, a humble living room is the perfect setting for experiencing the ultimate high. Beige walls, floral-print armchairs, and bland artwork provide the ideal backdrop for losing oneself in a sea of existential musings. But when that is not an option, you should at least replace the fluorescent lighting of your dorm room with a dimly lit lamp. If your Twin XL, cinder block walls, and questionably stained carpet fail to provide a tolerable backdrop, here is a list of activities perfect for losing oneself in a haze of smoke and introspection:
- Go on a late-night CVS run—nothing satisfies the munchies like an overpriced bag of Sour Patch Kids.
- Attend a campus comedy show—one of the best parts about being high is that unfunny things become especially funny.
- Take a tour of every house you’ve hooked up in.
- Visit a local art museum or gallery with your friend who “doesn’t get it.”
- Listen to music by the river and consider going for a swim (but don’t).
- Draw doodles of your friends that highlight their insecurities.
- Pass the Bechdel test.
- Play frisbee in the quad—aim at a window.
Assuming you’ve made it this far without greening out, congratulations! You’re well on your way to achieving the perfect high. But there’s one last piece of advice to mention: always have snacks on hand. There’s nothing worse than getting stoned out of your mind and realizing you have nothing to munch on.
Happy toking!