What Are We?

A quiz for the confused.

By HUNTER RICHARDS

So it’s Valentine’s Day and you’re not sure whether it’s one of those times where you send out a text wishing them a happy holiday since you’re not even sure where you stand with them. Yeah, you went out, like, twice, and sent them a drunk text last weekend but what does that mean? Take our quiz to try to figure it out:

Have you met their roommate?

1. Of course, how do you think we met?
2. They live in the quad, I think, so they might not even have roommates.
3. Yeah, but they walked in on us so I can’t maintain eye-contact anymore.
4. Morning-after brunch is a ritual for us now, but we don’t really talk much during.

Do your parents know they exist?

1. They’ve met my parents too many times for me to play that one off.
2. We were both born once so we both are obligated to acknowledge that we must have parents but that’s about it.
3. My mom knows that I’m not calling her on Friday nights and have become more aware of new movies coming out, but the details aren’t that important.
4. We ran into each other during parents weekend but we’re still just “friends from math class” when we get introduced.

How far have you gone?

1. We don’t like to kiss and tell (:
2. They are into some weird stuff, like texting me “good morning” the next day…
3. I’ve sworn I would never admit that for personal reasons.
4. I traveled all the way to the river to see them so that’s PRETTY far.

What’s your instinct when you run into them in the DHall?

1. I’m the one who swiped them in.
2. I barely remember if I already put in a grill order, let alone who they are.
3. A smile and wave is sufficient before telling your roommates all the dirty deets on who they are.
4. If this is reminding me that I’ve made out with too many people within my house, I already know.

What dates have you already been on?

1. I’m their assumed +1 to all events.
2. Quite a few, but luckily Netflix is just a monthly subscription cost so it doesn’t quite break the bank.
3. We really enjoy those long, late walks from the entrance of their dorm to their room because I’m pretty tipsy and forget which entryway their in every time.
4. We went to dinner but paid separately, but that’s honestly just because of how much we believe in equality and not because they’re so cheap (hopefully).

Mostly 1’s

You’re obviously already College Married. Chances are you took this together as some weird kind of foreplay before bundling up in front of a fire watching classic movies or something really kinky like that.

Mostly 2’s

Stick to only texting them after midnight. That’s when you’re in your prime element: After finishing a pset but before calling it a night. Nothing says romance like a 1 am “U up?” text!

Mostly 3’s

You answered this quiz multiple times for multiple different people, all of whom don’t know about each other, and that feels like an answer in and of itself. But also submit all those dirty deets to the Harvard Independent’s Sex Issue because you’re not shy.

Mostly 4’s

Honestly just move on. They’re probably not worth it and you still have a few more Cute Years in you to find someone better. Console yourself with half-priced Valentine’s Day candy from CVS.

Hunter Richards (hrichards@college.harvard.edu) hopes everyone enjoyed Valentine’s day, regardless!