Earlier this week, former governor Nikki Haley (R-SC) announced that she will seek the 2024 Republican nomination for president. Her path will not be easy however, as many other curious Republican Adams take their bite at the nomination’s shiny apple.
And I am comforted by the fact that others will throw their hats into the ring. The 2016 Republican debates made for some of the funniest television ever. Also, more candidates means more options, and this is a Pareto improvement—like when Chipotle added Garlic Guajillo Steak to its menu. Perhaps most importantly, more candidates means the Republican electorate will be increasingly split, making it difficult for any one candidate to receive the necessary majority to secure the nomination. This would lead to what us experts call a “brokered convention,” whereby the delegates at the convention are free to nominate anyone (even someone previously not on the ballot). And I think that this may offer the Republican party the chance to nominate a once-in-a-generation presidential candidate: Jonathan Lyndale Kirk.
You may know Mr. Kirk by his rapper name, DaBaby, or from hit songs “BOP,” “TOES, “Baby Sitter,” and “NASTY.” And for those closer to him (like myself), Mr. Kirk is known to be an extremely personable individual and compassionate leader—two crucial traits for any would-be president. For example, his entourage of tour dancers has a lowest-in-industry turnover rate—a stark contrast to the Trump admin’s highest advisor turnover rate in presidential history. Because culture is established from the top-down, DaBaby would be able to successfully navigate the executive office’s bureaucracy in an especially efficient way.
I know it sounds crazy. Call it “Ludacris.” But like the New York Jets eventually winning the Super Bowl, it’s going to happen. And I didn’t come up with this idea. It was actually foretold by DaBaby himself—just listen to “BOP” backwards at 0.7x speed. Here He prophesies the play-by-play of exactly this brokered GOP convention scenario, which I will paraphrase for you now:
After the first ballot of the convention, there is no clear majority. While the Trump delegates may form a plurality, the non-Trump delegates sum together to form a majority, and they do so to pass a resolution that Trump cannot be the nominee.
The second ballot is a complete mess. Ron DeSantis, Nikki Haley, and Mike Pence all try to build delegate coalitions. Josh Hawley and Jim Jordan enter the race (they weren’t previously running because of Trump) in an attempt to win over the Trump delegates. Again, no one has a majority—chaos on the convention floor.
The third ballot is where things get really crazy, although it is a bit difficult to discern over DaBaby’s “I flew past the whip with that blunt in my mouth / watch the swervin’, that whip had a cop in it (Woo, okay).” DeSantis and Haley form a ticket, but are still unable to obtain a majority. Jim Jordan drops out. Some delegates go for Hawley, while others protest the vote.
Hawley, gaining momentum, then gives a speech about the left’s assault on masculinity. Paul Ryan, in an attempt to reunite the splintered factions of the party, offers a moving rebuttal about the history of conservatism in America. It absolutely backfires. The Trump wing is pissed as hell. Even some DeSantis delegates consider flipping to Hawley.
Sensing the changing sentiment on the convention floor, the anti-Trump-turned-anti-Hawley delegates understand they have one final opportunity to put forth a viable candidate:
DaBaby.
And it’s a genius move. We all know Dababy is a seasoned veteran in the culture war, having been canceled by the left for a not-very-PC rant during his 2021 Rolling Loud performance in Miami. And unlike Trump—who merely bragged about hypothetically shooting someone on fifth avenue—DaBaby has real world experience with guns, having shot someone in a North Carolina (key swing state) Walmart. DaBaby also has no public opinion on economic policy matters, so he can easily toe the party line of tax cuts and deregulation.
In The Republic (375 BC), Plato outlines the ideal leader of any polis: a philosopher-king, a benevolent dictator whose “political skill is combined with philosophical knowledge.” There is no doubt that DaBaby is a skilled rhetorician, modern-day philosopher, cunning practitioner of real-politik, and efficient executive. And unlike the other GOP contenders, DaBaby does not want the office. And we know that the best leaders are those who do not want to be leaders at all.
So when Jonathan Lyndale Kirk proclaims the words “so help me G-d” and assumes the office of the presidency on January 20th, 2025, know that the Kirk administration will be an incredibly stable and consequential presidency for these otherwise tumultuous times.
Chuck Stone writes satire for the Independent.