(Bench Opinion) OCTOBER TERM, 2022 1
NOTE: Where it is feasible, a syllabus (headnote) will be released, as is being done in connection with this case, at the time the opinion is issued. See United States v. Detroit Timber & Lumber Co., 200 U. S. 321, 337.
SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES
Syllabus
JOHN DOE v. WIGGLESWORTH HALL ET AL.
CERTIORARI TO THE UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS FOR
THE FIRST CIRCUIT
No. 69-1738. Argued March 6, 2023–Decided March 6, 2023
On Tuesday, Dec. 6, 2022, at 10:56 pm Eastern Standard Time, John Doe, a Harvard senior and resident of Kirkland House, slid into the DMs of a first-year on Sidechat, a social media platform popular among Harvard students. Following a successful rizz, the first-year invited Mr. Doe to her suite in the F entryway of Wigglesworth Hall. Mr. Doe then attempted to enter Wigglesworth to meet this sneaky link, but was stopped by a Yard Securitas officer who informed him of the recent U.S. Court of Appeals ruling prohibiting predatory senior-frosh trysts. “Sorry, perv,” said the officer, “Court says you gotta go back to Kirkland.” Mr. Doe responded: “Blow me… My dad’s got Dershowitz on retainer.”
Held:
1. The Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment protects the right of Harvard seniors to pipe first-years, as made clear by the Amendment’s framers on the floor of the Senate during its drafting in 1866.
(a) The Court finds that Mr. Doe’s actions are fully protected by the Fourteenth Amendment.
2. The Sherman Antitrust Act of 1890 (15 U.S.C. § 1) prevents Harvard College entities from conspiring to monopolize the first-year population.
(b) The Court finds that, by preventing senior-frosh sneaky links, the College violates the statute by “keeping all of the first-years to itself.”
Due to this particularly egregious violation of one of our nation’s most longstanding practices (and its urgent national security implications), the Court took the unprecedented step of rendering a same-day decision.
The Court of Appeals for the First Circuit’s holding is reversed, and the case is remanded for proceedings consistent with this opinion. Wigglesworth Hall (and all other Yard dormitories) must cease their gatekeeping activities. Mr. Doe is to be granted full swipe access to Wigglesworth F.
It is so ordered.
KAVANAUGH, B. delivered the opinion of the Court, in which the MALE JUSTICES, and BARRETT, J., joined.