1.INT. ORGANIC CHEMISTRY LAB – NIGHT
An organic chemistry lab. It is dark and empty. A GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST in a tight lab coat that hugs her curves is conducting an experiment in one of the fume hoods. Her MALE LAB PARTNER walks in, tepidly. The two have always had a flirty vibe. This is their first time alone in the lab together.
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
Oh… hi there. I didn’t expect you in this late. How’s your night going?
MALE LAB PARTNER
(In a nondescript, insufferable accent)
Hi love. I’m good, how are you?
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
Good. A little sleepy. Just trying to finish up this step of the synthesis.
MALE LAB PARTNER
Not too sleepy, I hope.
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
No– uh– what?
MALE LAB PARTNER
Because we have to get this part of the synthesis done tonight.
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
Oh, right! Yeah. I’m not that tired.
Male Lab Partner leans in closer to the fume hood, placing his hand to the right of the hot plate. His face is inches from Gorgeous Hot Chemist’s shoulder. He studies the Erlenmeyer flask (and the shape of her tits under her ridiculously tight lab coat.)
MALE LAB PARTNER
These are looking great.
Gorgeous Hot Chemist turns to her right and realizes how close Male Lab Partner is. She studies his face, realizing he’s actually got decent facial harmony. She catches a glimpse of his abdomen through the slit in the side of his lab coat. She gasps and stumbles away, realizing he’s not wearing anything underneath.
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
(adjusting her glasses sheepishly, like she’s a porn star or something)
I– I– that– that’s a safety hazard!
MALE LAB PARTNER
(grinning like a predator looking at his prey)
What’s a safety hazard?
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
You’re– you’re–
Before she can get words out, she involuntarily reaches out with two fingers to touch Male Lab Partner’s rock-hard abdomen through the slit in his lab coat. It’s pretty fucking weird, but it’s fine because she’s hot. She pretends to be stunned by her actions (the little slut) and just barely moves her fingertips. Suddenly, Male Lab Partner’s abs aren’t the only thing that’s rock-hard. Gorgeous Hot Chemist gasps like she’s never seen an erection before.
MALE LAB PARTNER
See something you like?
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
(abandoning the whole doe-eyed virgin act)
Yeah.
Male Lab Partner puts his hand behind Gorgeous Hot Chemist’s neck, drawing her in. As their lips touch, their safety glasses slam together. It’s pretty painful and awkward. But lucky for us, Male Lab Partner didn’t get this far in life without some serious game. He pulls back, grinning slyly.
MALE LAB PARTNER
(seductively, licking his lips or some shit)
Let’s get these off.
Male Lab Partner takes both of their safety glasses off. He leans into whisper in Gorgeous Hot Chemist’s ear.
MALE LAB PARTNER (CONT’D)
Now I’m going to bend you over this lab desk and—
Gorgeous Hot Chemist silences him with a kiss.
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
Or, we could debate the ethics of porn.
MALE LAB PARTNER
What good would that be? No one watches this part
anyway.
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
Everyone watches this part. Porn depends on the story.
MALE LAB PARTNER
No it doesn’t. Porn depends on the sex. Rough, dirty,
sweaty, hot, animalistic, wild—
Gorgeous Hot Chemist silences him with another kiss.
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
Steamy, sensual, ethically ambiguous, simultaneously
both anti-feminist and revolutionarily feminist, erotic, heated—
Speaking of heated, they look to the left. Under the fume hood, the Erlenmeyer flask on the hot plate is bubbling over, spilling a white substance everywhere. Gorgeous Hot Chemist sees the sticky, goopy white substance and can’t keep up the feminist act anymore. She shuts the fume hood and turns back to Male Lab Partner.
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST (CONT’D)
Nevermind. Just fuck me.
Gorgeous Hot Chemist yanks Male Lab Partner’s face towards hers. The two make out passionately. Eventually, they shed their shitty blue lab coats.
MALE LAB PARTNER
Now THIS is a safety hazard.
GORGEOUS HOT CHEMIST
Shut the fuck up and don’t talk again.
Male Lab Partner complies. He shuts the fuck up. The two start to shed the rest of their clothing.
The two fuck wildly. They successfully execute more positions than you ever thought possible in a chemistry laboratory. Beakers are shattered. The rotovap is mangled. Lab coats are rendered unusable. At one point, Male Lab Partner grabs ice from the bucket cooling some of their samples and does really unsanitary things with it. Gorgeous Hot Chemist likes it.
After about 14 minutes, Male Lab Partner can’t last any longer. He makes the candid male I’m coming grunt. Gorgeous Hot Chemist chokes back a sigh of relief because the whole time she was sort of wishing he was a woman.
As Male Lab Partner erupts, so does the fume hood. The unmonitored Erlenmeyer flask spills toxic white shit all over the pair. They shriek and sprint over to the safety shower, where they proceed to have (safety) shower sex as the water washes over them.
END.
Written Anonymously for the Harvard Independent.