Yes, I know that was a strangely morbid subtitle. But it’s true. There are some things I just need to see infused with marijuana before I pass on from this Earth.
Over the years, humanity has progressed beyond just merely smoking marijuana. Instead, we have developed a myriad of ways by which an individual can experience the high weed offers.
You might be thinking: Weed brownies? Vaporized marijuana? Maybe even THC soda?
WRONG. More like: weed beef jerky, cannabis pizza sauce, weed tampons, and weed bacon, just to name a few of the strangest pot products reported in a 2016 article by The Ranch Tennessee, a Tennessee-based mental health and addiction treatment center.
In a stroke of the exact genius that brought me to Harvard, I have created the following list to inspire future entrepreneurs, visionaries, and dreamers to develop the next generation of weed products. Below is merely a brief selection of such products I hope to see one day brought to market.
- WEED AIRPODS
This is what Steve Jobs would have wanted. Some would argue that listening to music while high is already commonplace. But with Weed Airpods, it’s the music itself that gets one high. The Weed Airpods algorithmically analyze each song such that different songs elicit varying intensities of a high, conducting a vibe assessment and adjusting in real-time to correlate high intensity with musical composition.
For example, Tones and I’s 2019 hit “Dance Monkey” would create zero high. That would literally be the last song on God’s green earth that I would listen to while high. Beethoven’s classic “Moonlight Sonata,” though, would produce a high for the listener that allows them to transcend time and space.
- WEED FIRE ALARM
“OH NO THERE’S A FIRE” said no one ever in the world where we have the weed fire alarm. Instead of inciting panic and triggering the sprinkler system, the weed fire alarm creates intense relaxation by releasing fumes of burning marijuana to fill any given room.
You might wonder, “How does this protect me from a fire?” It doesn’t. It simply makes you enjoy the classic “I’m in a fire” experience more than you would if you were not breathing in fumes of burning marijuana from the weed fire alarm. Enjoy the high and grab the fire extinguisher, my friend.
- 5D MOVIES (The fifth dimension is weed.)
Most 4D movie theaters offer a plethora of sensory features to enhance the movie-going experience: 3D visuals, scents, mist, and even seat motion. What do these 4D experiences not offer? Weed. That’s where the fifth dimension comes in.
In a 5D movie, the fumes of burning marijuana abruptly release from the seats at carefully selected points in a given film. For example, in today’s current box office hit, A Minecraft Movie, the fumes would release the moment Jack Black enters the frame. In the VIP package, the fumes simply release every time Jack Black blinks.
- WEED SCUBA DIVING
In 1943, Jacques Cousteau and Émile Gagnan created the first self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. This standard scuba diving tank contains compressed air, comprised of approximately 79% nitrogen and 21% oxygen. Clearly, Cousteau and Gagnan didn’t have enough oxygen hitting their brains, because there is no weed in this chemical mixture.
Now let me introduce you to the weed scuba diving tank: 1% Oxygen (because it’s essential), 0% Nitrogen (because who needs that) and 99% weed fumes (because there’s nothing like making long, sustained eye contact with a sea turtle while high).
- WEED OLYMPICS
Let the games begin! Except none of the events are from the actual Olympics, and all competitors must be high. The only concern is that competitors will reach an intensity high that inhibits their capacity to compete with one another, instead bringing the competitors to bond and form lifelong friendships.
Events included but are by no means limited to may be Munchie Battles, Aristotelian Debates, Staring Competitions, Paint-offs, Stand Up Comedy, Speed Blunt Rolls, and EDM Songwriting.
- WEED TOOTHPASTE
Brushing your teeth is one of the all-time most boring activities out there. Never have two minutes ever felt longer than when you are brushing your teeth. That all changes with weed toothpaste, which instills a high with a THC infusion that seeps into your gums and goes straight to the brain.
Maintain that ever-so-important dental hygiene and experience the high of pearly-white THC teeth right before bed. Weed toothpaste flavors include blue raspberry, strawberry, and weed.
- WEED CHICKEN
A common misconception of this idea is that my vision is of an edible, cooked chicken capable of getting an individual high after consumption. This is wrong.
The weed chicken is a living chicken with a highly specialized and specific set of skills: provided you feed and take care of the creature, the weed chicken will meticulously and rapidly roll a joint, pack a bowl, or bake any assortment of desserts infused with cannabis (e.g., Crème brûwéed).
- WEED TREADMILL
Lots of people don’t go to the gym very often. But with the weed treadmill, that all changes.
The design of the weed treadmill is intended to encourage high-intensity physical exercise while entering a flow state induced by marijuana. The weed treadmill carefully analyzes the speed at which you maximize your physical activity while simultaneously releasing marijuana fumes to maximize your high. Next thing you know, you’ve run 49 miles in eight hours.
- WEED CONCENTRATION
“Hey everyone! I’m Francis. I’m a sophomore from New York living in Winthrop House, and I’m concentrating in Weed.”
Didn’t that sound great? The basic Harvard Weed Concentration would consist of: WEED 1000: Introductory Marijuana; WEED 100 (Methods); WEED 104 (Lab); WEED 97: Sophomore Tutorial; WEED 98: Junior Tutorial; 5 electives (e.g., WEED 1465: Can this Cannabis?).
- WEED SECONDARY
“Hey everyone! I’m Francis. I’m a sophomore living in Winthrop House from New York, and I’m concentrating in Folklore & Mythology with a secondary in Weed.”
Because why have weed be a concentration if you’re not also going to have it be a secondary? The basic Harvard Weed Secondary would consist of: Philosophy Review Comp, Blunt Rotation with the Ad Board, Staring Contest with the John Harvard Statue, and an Interpretive Dance in the Science Center Plaza.
I hope you found my list intellectually stimulating. To all my entrepreneurially-minded readers with an appreciation of marijuana and a net worth of over $100 million, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me to develop an idea listed above. Yes, this article is anonymous, but the first test of our potential business partnership is to assess your resourcefulness. Godspeed.
Francis ’27 is wondering whether he was supposed to add ™ to these ideas, but he is prepared to fight for his intellectual property in court.