As Harvard students, we are constantly under the pressure of rigorous coursework, demanding extracurriculars, and the struggle to succeed at the high level that this institution expects. Our schedules are busy at best and all-consuming at worst. The sheer effort it takes to manage it all leads many of us to deal with near-constant stress, lending some truth to the stereotype that Harvard students are uptight. It’s not entirely our fault that we err on the tense side, but it does mean we tend to neglect time for ourselves and forget how to relax. If we want to become a little more laid-back, we need to get laid.
Simply put, Harvard students should be having more sex. Here’s why.
Health Benefits
Academics are important, but maintaining overall health is essential, too. While we like to think those late-night Lamont sessions aren’t killing us, most of us know the familiar midterm-season sickness all too well. And when your midterm season lasts the entire semester, your physical wellness can take a pounding (and not in a good way).
Research shows that sex offers a multitude of benefits for both your physical and mental health. Beyond the immediate gratification of pleasure and orgasms, it can lead to better sleep regulation, lower stress levels, and improved immune function, thanks to neuropeptides like oxytocin. In other words, sex means better rest, less stress, and fewer colds. What more could we ask for? It’s the one remedy Harvard University Health Services can’t offer us and the perfect antidote to the Harvard grind.
Let’s Get Physical
Having more sex also offers a creative solution to a campus classic: the freshman 15. The weight gain that comes with the sudden shift to college life can be alarming, but there’s no need to fear. By having more sex, you can beat it easily, all from the comfort of your own tiny dorm room. Intercourse burns around 3-5 calories per minute and builds stamina. There’s no need to trek to the Mac or Hemingway in 40-degree weather when your bedroom is already the perfect gym.
If you feel like you’re not quite meeting your cardio goals, just simply restart your sex playlist, ignore your roommate’s annoyed texts, and go another round.
A Reputation to Uphold
In national rankings, Harvard often competes for the top spot, and our reputation for excellence is recognized globally. Students come here for the prestige, the rigor, and the promise of success. If these are the years we’re meant to master the crucial skills for our future, why should sexual expertise be the exception?
We should utilize this time to refine our finger dexterity and stroke game. We’ve seen in the movie “Whiplash” the consequences of not meeting the correct tempo, and the human body proves to be shockingly more complicated than a drum set. Lots (and lots) of practice (sigh) is the best route to improvement. We should leave Harvard with not just an academic degree, but an honorary citation in cliteracy.
Join the Movement
A defining Harvard trait is our willingness to mobilize and join forces to confront issues and demand change. Recent data shows Gen Z is having less sex than previous generations. A 2021 CDC survey found that only 30% of teenagers indicated that they’ve had sex. For Harvard specifically, 69% (ironically) of the Class of 2028 entered college as virgins.
If we can organize campaigns and rallies, surely we can bring the same revolutionary energy to facilitate a campus-wide social movement of sex positivity. This means encouraging consensual sex and applauding the special nature of intimate connections. Let’s make Harvard a campus that actually gets it on. The weather is getting colder, and twin XL mattresses are starting to feel more spacious by the minute, so time is of the essence.
Exploration and Identity
College is the bridge between our teenage years and adulthood. Thus, it’s the ideal time to begin exploring who you are, including your sexual identity, amidst a new environment, new people, and newfound independence.
Regardless of your background or experience, virgin, straight, queer, questioning, you should lean into your sexuality and learn what turns you on. Maybe you’ll discover you’re attracted to personality with no preference for gender, or realize that you’ve got a raging praise kink (shocker).
If you’re unsure where to start, I recommend attending the functions hosted by organizations on campus like Queer Students Association, or even traversing to Dudley Co-Op for a tantalizing party. These hubs of sexual energy can be both enlightening and liberating. Like these examples, there are many communities on campus that are notably open, accepting spaces for expressions of gender and sexuality. Everyone should go to at least one event for the sake of their own personal development, and will probably come back for more once they get a taste.
Sources of Inspiration
Now that you’ve been presented with several convincing reasons to clock in more hours at the fuck factory, you might be wondering how this can be achieved. Thankfully, we have some exemplary role models right here on campus.
Our dear friends residing in Leverett Towers have accomplished what few others on this campus have dared. Mather may have once been the “house of horniness,” but it can claim that title no longer. Their “more singles, more sex” slogan has been drowned out by the moaning coming from the bunnies down the street.
To learn more, the Harvard Independent interviewed a Leverett student on their perspective. “I feel proud of the sex culture Leverett has cultivated. It allows for the freedom of expression in the rawest way,” an anonymous sophomore told us. “I often host the events myself.” This is a perfect example of the sex-positive attitude that is needed throughout campus.
Initiative, it seems, may be the key to fucking like rabbits. We should follow Leverett’s example and stop waiting for intimacy to find us. Be bold. Host an orgy if you feel so inclined. Don’t let fear of rejection kill your chances for connection. If we wholly commit ourselves to this goal, maybe we can change the trajectory of Harvard’s sex life and foster a more sexually inclined community.
Sure, we may never hit the sex rates of colleges like Temple University or develop our own strain of STD like Florida State, but we can still become a college that fucks. For the sake of graduating from Harvard without a chronic stress condition, let’s get naked more often.
And, of course, always practice enthusiastic consent and safe sex!