Willy Wank-a and the Rose Toy Factory
Graphic by Christiana Zembrowski
When the news first broke out, women all over the world stopped in disbelief. For the very first time, Willy Wank-a was opening the gates to his world-famous Rose Toy factory. 30 years after the creation of the life-changing sex toy, Rose Toy fanatics would now be able to see the production process and meet the man behind the magic. Among the new shipment of different colored Rose Toys, Willy Wank-a planted three golden Rose Toys. The three customers fortunate enough to open their box and discover the golden roses would win an inside tour of Wank-a’s Rose Toy factory. It was only a matter of days before the three lucky winners were announced…
…
When Hannah first saw Instagram posts about Willy Wank-a’s contest, she went ballistic at the chance to find a golden one. Her Rose Toy origin experience was quite similar to most girls around the world. During her sophomore year of high school, she took sex-ed only to spend the class daydreaming about the senior lacrosse player who sat in front of her. One night, she lay in bed and incognito mode-d his YouTube channel. She put on his lacrosse highlights—a poorly edited reel with Kanye West’s “Power” playing in the background—while trying to put what she had learned in sex-ed to use.
Watching him play with his stick got her juices flowing, but she could never finish the job herself. Losing patience, one night she finally turned off the lacrosse porn and went back to doom-scrolling TikToks. After watching her fourth “Trying weird snacks from Five Below” video, she was hit with a TikTok Shop ad for a vibrating Rose Toy. Thinking it was a sign from her FBI agent watching her struggle each night, she ordered it immediately.
She spent the next few days tracking the package closely, so that it wouldn’t be able to fall into the hands of her parents when it finally arrived later that week. After all of eight seconds with the Rose, all of her sweaty lacrosse boy fantasies came true. So, when Wank-a announced his hunt for the golden rose, Hannah got to the TikTok shop and spent all the summer job money she had. The moment she opened up one of the boxes to find a golden Rose Toy inside, she was so excited she almost came.
…
Lori was on her fifth glass of wine when inspiration struck to find her golden Rose Toy. She was middle-aged, recently divorced, and the only thing that made her feel the slightest tingle was watching Patrick Swayze in Ghost. But, when the credits came on, the sad truth of being alone in her king-sized bed hit her as she poured herself another glass of wine. Her children encouraged her to get on dating apps, but the only person she was really listening to those days was Mel Robbins. She didn’t know about Wank-a’s competition. But she did know that Mel Robbins would want her to get out of bed and start living her life.
The next night, Lori decided she was going to swap her red wine for a red toy. She drove herself to the nearest Romantic Depot and was extremely flattered when the worker asked her for her ID to make sure she was 18 or older. Lori grabbed the first thing off the shelf. Taking the Rose out right when she got home. “Hmmm, gold, weird…,” she thought to herself.
…
Betty had just celebrated her 80th birthday. While the rest of her body was catching up with her, she felt just as horny as she did fifty years ago. Unfortunately, her beloved husband Richard’s machinery was nearing its expiration date. Betty’s grandchildren insisted on getting her an iPad so that she could play Wordle and FaceTime them. Betty also used the iPad to do her QVC shopping, as it was her favorite leisure activity.
When accidentally clicking on a suspicious website during her online shopping time, a seemingly innocent ad for a pretty little Rose struck her. It didn’t matter if it was a diffuser or a new skincare contraption to add to her robust, borderline hoarder collection—it was cute and she was going to buy it. When she took the golden Rose out of its packaging, she realized the grave mistake she had made. Or was it a blessing in disguise? When Richard fell asleep that night, the vibrating sounds drowned out his snoring. Betty was grateful her aged body wasn’t sent into cardiac arrest after her first time with the Rose. She couldn’t wait to meet Mr. Wank-a.
…
On the morning of the factory gates opening, Hannah, Lori, and Betty all arrived early. Hannah told her parents she was going on a class field trip. Lori told her friends she was taking a self-care day. Betty told her husband she had won a free shopping spree at Bloomingdale’s. As the three ladies waited impatiently outside the gates, a crowd of women began to grow behind them. Signs read, “THANK YOU, MR. WANK-A” as cheers for the Rose Toy inventor roared. Suddenly, the majestic, golden gates began to open. Cheers came to a halt as the crowd became entranced by the gigantic, magical factory. Hannah, Lori, and Betty held hands and walked inside the doors.
Inside the Rose Toy factory, the lighting was dim. The ceilings were tall, and the eerie hallways felt interminable. The women had anticipated the innards of the factory to be bright and ecstatic. But the women were now feeling more anxious than orgasmic.
“Welcome. I’ve been waiting for you,” a deep, hearty voice suddenly called out from the depths of the hallways. A man stumbled out of the darkness. He was about 5’8”, scrawny, and he definitely looked like he’d be better off with a chocolate factory than a Rose Toy factory. The women were now in front of him. Mr. Wank-a continued, “When I opened this factory, I had no idea that the Rose Toy would take the world by storm. At first it was a blessing, but it soon became my greatest burden…” The women were confused by Wank-a’s depressing sentiment but had no time to respond as Wank-a swiftly led them further into the factory.
Mr. Wank-a opened the doors that read “NO PEOPLE ALLOWED,” inviting the women to see just how the Rose Toys were made. There was not a single sign of life within the room. Robots and machinery fell into a hypnotic pattern of pumping out silicone molds and creating the technological inner workings of the toys. The process was over in the blink of an eye. Hundreds of thousands of different colored Rose Toys were packaged and ready to be sent off in a matter of seconds.
Hannah couldn’t believe her eyes. She had collected every single color Rose Toy on the market. Wank-a pointed to the apparatus, “I will be rolling out a brand new sparkly Rose Toy within the next year.” Behind him on the conveyor belt stood a glowing Rose Toy coated in the most beautiful sparkles. Hannah was entranced. Every teenage girl collected something, but Hannah was fixated on acquiring every Rose on the market. In the blink of an eye, Hannah leaped past Mr. Wank-a and jumped onto the conveyor belt.
She tried to pull the sparkly Rose Toy off, but it was stuck to the belt, and now so was she. She reached down to yank it off, but she missed, her hand getting trapped in between roses. As Hannah screamed for help, Lori and Betty looked horrified. Lori yelled, “Mr. Wank-a, aren’t you going to help her?” Mr. Wank-a shook his head. “Hannah needed to learn that she must spend more time studying for her pre-calculus exams than using my Roses the hard way. She will be fine. Her parents are coming to pick her up. Let’s move along now.”
Lori and Betty followed Mr. Wank-a out of the production room and into what appeared to be a science lab, leaving Hannah behind. Full of fear, the women listened to every word of Wank-a’s closely. “Here is where I create different vibration rhythms for the rose. As I’m sure you ladies know, this is what makes the Rose the Rose. Recently, I’ve been experimenting with other ways to give your body those same vibrations, but not necessarily through the toy. I present to you the Rose Gummy.” Mr. Wank-a picked up a tiny gummy Rose off the table and squished it between his fingers.
Betty was amazed. Her doctors have been telling her to lay off the butterscotch pudding, but what was one gummy going to do? She couldn’t withstand her sweet tooth impulses. Betty grabbed the gummy from Wank-a’s hands and ate it. Lori’s hands flew over her mouth, and Mr. Wank-a erupted with laughter. “You really shouldn’t have done that,” said Wank-a.
Suddenly, Betty’s body started convulsing. Her hands were clenching, and her toes were curling. “Is she-” asked Lori. “Yes,” said Wank-a as he began to help settle Betty into a chair. “The Rose Gummy causes everlasting orgasms. I’m still working on the recipe. Betty will be fine after a few hours. Let’s just let her enjoy the ride in privacy.”
Now, Lori was really freaked out. It was just her and Wank-a alone in this creepy Rose Toy factory. And yet there was something so compelling about it all. She wanted to find out the truth.
Mr. Wank-a proceeded, “Lori, our tour here is done. You can go home now.” But Lori was furious. “That’s it? There’s no way, I am not leaving. I’ve barely got to see all the ins and outs. And where is everyone, Mr. Wank-a? Surely there have to be people working for you. Or did you scare them off, too?” Tears began to form in Wank-a’s hidden eyes. “You don’t understand what it’s like, Lori.”
“So make me understand,” Lori begged as she went to grab Wank-a’s hand. Wank-a flinched. “At first, I felt on top of the world. I had created a device that pleased all women. One man struggles to please one in their lifetime. But with fame and fortune came darkness. Day after day, I started receiving more hate mail from men all over the world. The Rose Toy became the scapegoat for their failing relationships. I was blamed for their girlfriends dumping them and their wives leaving them. I’ve been told to choke on my Rose Toys and threatened to have my factory shut down. I’ve lost friends and even family. I have no one.”
Lori was touched. Mr. Wank-a had let his guard down. Lori went back to take his hand, and this time Wank-a let her. “I can be your someone,” whispered Lori. Suddenly Wank-a burst into a joyous cheer. “You did it, Lori, you won the prize!” Lori was puzzled but intrigued, “What prize?!” Wank-a turned her body in towards his. “I based the Rose Toys’ vibrations on my human skill. I now get to show you that you don’t need a Rose Toy after all. You’ve just needed me.”
For the first time in a long time, Willy Wank-a and the Rose Toy factory came alive that night.
Written anonymously for the Harvard Independent.