Behind the Booze

The drinks that we choose can say a lot about us. Do you like lemons? Cranberries? Sweet or sour? Often, what we choose to consume reflects who we are or are trying to be. Maybe you pick something fresh to feel like a “clean girl”; maybe you choose a bitter, serious drink to pretend that you are a cultured intellectual.

Lose the personality quizzes. We skipped the psychology and went straight to the source: the drinks that get college students (only 21 and older, of course!) through the semester, and the people they would be if they were human.

Vodka Cranberry

The Vodka Cran is always late. I mean, NEVER on time. She frequently forgets her keys. And her wallet. And her phone. But she is a great time. She can dance, talk to anyone, and she frequently gets hit on, but she is not as focused on men as you might think. The vodka cran definitely drives her friends crazy with some of her Type B tendencies. Her bills are often unpaid, and her apartment is always a mess—if you do not watch out, you will step on an earring. Surprisingly, she offers great relationship advice (even though her own love life is a mess) and a comforting hug when you need it most.

Jell-O Shots

Jell-O shots come in a pair. One blue and one red. They went to the same high school and now live in the same dorm. They secretly hate each other, but they share the same friend group and concentrations (Government and Economics, of course), and both really, REALLY hope the other does not get into the Harvard Undergraduate Consulting Group. You will see them post blurry digi pics on their Instagram stories with a Blood Orange song playing in the background. They both have stick-and-poke tattoos, but they think anything else is “trashy.” When Blue has a crush, Red will Snapchat them, but do not feel too bad, because Blue would do the same.

Borg

Borg is 6-foot-5, 250 pounds, and coming at 60 mph on a scooter on his way to the Quad. He plays a real sport, like basketball or fencing (sorry to the football players out there), and he has no regard for anyone’s personal space. You will see him around, and he will dap you up, but he will not remember your name. Miraculously, he is majoring in Chemical Engineering. Although he stares at his problem sets while eating a Quest bar and scrolling Reels in Lamont, there may be more to him than meets the eye (we do not know what, but let us hope!). When you struggle to lift your suitcase on move-in day, he watches you with his mouth agape and says nothing.

Gin & Tonic

Gin & Tonic is Type A. Her hair is blown out, her nails have French tips, and all of her jewelry matches. She always carries wintergreen gum—she might not offer you a piece, but she would totally give you one if you asked. You will see her in Stat 110 on her iPad with her meticulously organized GoodNotes, but you will notice that she is usually split-screening with the “New York Times” games. She is shy on a dance floor and kind of awkward, but in a funny way. She splurged on Tabi flats, but she cannot seem to style them right.

Jägerbomb

The Jägerbomb secretly wishes he were one of the MIT frat brothers screaming, “IF YOU’RE NOT A BROTHER OR GETTING WITH A BROTHER, GET OUT!” He is from Greenwich, Connecticut, and he and his trust fund spend their summers on the Cape. Despite living an hour away, he pretends he is from the “City.” He acts like an athlete, but he twists his ankle trying to “shoot hoops” in the MAC. He wants to build a B2B SaaS startup, but he does not know what any of those letters mean; he is sure he will figure it out one day, though.

White Claw

White Claw is pretty much exactly who you would expect. Her nails are short, almond-shaped, and hot pink. Her hair is long, and her highlights are a little too blonde. Every night, she sleeps peacefully next to her 40-ounce Stanley in her Roller Rabbit pajamas. Her Google Calendar is meticulously color-coded in pastel hues, but she is not a huge fan of class, school, or anything not related to hot yoga and club pickleball. White Claw and Jägerbomb are in a situationship from hell and have broken up a few times for ridiculous reasons (most recently, he did not buy her a Jellycat for National Girlfriend Day). She simply adores a Pure Barre class followed by Playa Bowls, especially if she is hungover, and her favorite café is Blue Bottle.

Beer

Unlike White Claw, Beer is not who you would expect. He is majoring in philosophy and is obsessed with Aesop soap. His shampoo is Le Labo, and his backpack is “Italian” leather. He loves Anthony Bourdain and miso butter. He will mansplain Sylvia Plath to you even though you are in the same gender studies seminar, and he is going to work at BlackRock after graduation, “just temporarily.” Beer says “BarTHAlona” and “IbiTHA” to make it seem like he is a native Spanish speaker after studying abroad. He claims that he is from San Francisco, but he is actually from Palo Alto, and his parents work in tech.

Buzzball

Buzzball is a genius, but she is a hot mess, and not in a chic way. She loves Noch’s, and she has an impressive collection of empty (and molding?) Celsius cans in her incredibly messy dorm. She skips every study session and most lectures, but still gets a perfect score on the midterm. She could create the next Facebook, but she is more preoccupied with talking to first-year girls at parties (despite being in the class of 2027). In fact, she is leading on both Blue and Red Jell-O Shots. You will see her falling asleep in Widener, hunched over her computer, a performative Blank Street order beside her, but somehow she is going to work for Jane Street.

We ourselves may be under 21 and strictly follow the law in the great state of Massachusetts, but we hope those of you who do drink feel represented in this piece. No worries if you do not partake—your drink choices do not determine who you are. Wannabe frat bros can drink a Miami Vice, and artsy girls can shotgun a Modelo. Do not let what is in your glass define you.

Bottoms up!

Anika Gupta ’30 (anikagupta@college.harvard.edu) and Salma Gheith ’30 (salmagheith@college.harvard.edu) can’t wait to try all these drinks when they turn 21!