Satire: Top Six Sex Locales on Campus
Graphic by Justin Ma
With all of sex’s health benefits, it’s only natural for students on campus to want to engage—after all, the mental toll from classes (however easy according to Claybaugh) and the physical deterioration from dining hall food needs to be compensated for somehow. However, student accommodations restrict the ability to stay healthy; from the cramped feeling of “workouts” on a twin bed to your weird pre-med roommate who spends every hour studying under harsh lamp light, sex in dorm rooms seems near impossible.
In the dorms’ place, students must outsource to other areas on campus. Unfortunately, I’ve heard too many sad, devastating tales of desperation referencing sex in the Stacks, despite the plethora of gemmy spots to “get some.” It’s a travesty. So, I have taken the liberty to compile the best places on campus to stay healthy.
The A.D. Scaffolding
Ditch the stuffy, claustrophobic Harvard singles and explore the skies. Born too late to uncover the Earth and born too early to discover the stars? Don’t worry, you were born just in time to have sex in an active construction zone. Talk about needing a hard hat. For all the sophomores whose punch season was less than ideal, get the last laugh by making your mark on the A.D.! Enjoy the nice breeze that’s sure to cool you down during and prompt some cuddling after.
Law School Library
While Harvard Law School has a marginally higher acceptance rate than the College, the competitive atmosphere means students must take every advantage possible for a leg up on their peers. Just as the College has its own traditions for high-school students hoping to attend (touching the John Harvard statue’s shoe), HLS has its own practice to give students good luck on their application: sex next to their copy of the Magna Carta. Yes, it is intimidating. Yes, it is practically silent in there. Yes, it has that musty old-book smell. But it’s all worth it to become the next Harvey Specter. Fortunately, the library has plenty of couches and cushions, so it’ll definitely be more comfortable than your dorm room!
Annenberg Classrooms
Locked away behind a horribly-placed elevator are the classrooms above Annenberg. While most know the building for its nutritionally-lacking meals or where tourists conveniently ignore the “No Visitors” sign, I know Annenberg as the perfect place for a midday quickie. These classrooms are perfect, located right above a central hub of campus, guaranteed to be between wherever you’re coming from and wherever you’re going to, and even better, just close enough to a mass of students to heighten the excitement and adrenaline. Need to decompress after a stressful Chem 17 exam? Head to Berg! Need a post-game meal? Just go downstairs! Bonus points if you sneak up there during Ec 10A…
Loomis-Michael Observatory
In addition to the lecture halls and labs, the Science Center also hosts the Loomis-Michael Observatory, allowing students to explore the great unknown. After examining the stars, examine each other’s bodies in the spacious dome of the observatory. According to its website, there is a “10-inch refractory telescope for educational and recreational purposes,” but I can think of another (and arguably better) 10-inch device used for recreational purposes. Under the open sky, in red mood lighting, and away from all the STEM students going to office hours, the observatory is a great place to ignite the next Big Bang.
The Catholic Center Courtyard
The Bible is littered with references to sex and procreation. Whether it be hymns of intimacy in “Song of Solomon” or allusions to incest in Genesis’s story of Lot, one could argue that sex is an integral part of Christianity. On campus, many centers allow those of similar faith to come together and practice, such as the Catholic Center. Part of their space is a huge, fenced-off courtyard that makes the perfect place to “practice your faith.” For all the exhibitionists out there, what better audience than God Himself!
Lowell Belltower
The infamous bell tower of Lowell dominates the Harvard skyline, acting as a north star for lost tourists. Each Sunday, students in the river houses are blessed by the weekly cacophony of clangs that are supposed to resemble a song. But beyond being the worst alarm clock on campus, the bell tower can serve as a great place to make your own noise. Try your hand at bell-ringing by banging against the bell! And, the Harvard Independent has a great sex playlist that has the perfect queue of songs to ring along to!
This list reflects only a fraction of the spaces on campus that one could fornicate. Indeed, the best places are the ones that we accidentally stumble upon in our endless search for a sneaky link. And, like traditions, these spots are passed down from year to year. In uncovering these gems, we also realize that life (and sex) is meant to be fun and exciting. After all, it’s about the journey, not the destination—though the destination does determine how good a time you will have.
Thayer J. Y. Gauldin is not responsible for any injuries or charges sustained while following this guide.