A FaceTime session with someone desperately trying to win you back? Prime time to hit them with the real questions—like who’s in their NFL dream blunt rotation. Bonus points if you still remember their favorite team and casually toss in a token player to keep them wrapped around your finger. With this in mind, we present to you our handpicked blunt rotation, courtesy of two young adults still trying to figure out if they should get back together (they really shouldn’t).
Xavier Legette:
Who wouldn’t want to smoke with a first-round draft pick who also happens to be a raccoon hunter? If you’re unfamiliar with Xavier Legette, we highly recommend immersing yourself in his hunting technique. The 2024 Panthers’ first-round draft pick hails from Mullins, S.C., where he grew up chasing raccoons, squirrels, and whatever else lived in the woods with his family. Not into hunting? No worries—he is also internet-famous for riding his horse, Dime Piece, in camo overalls. If his interview personality is anything even close to him after a couple of hits, we want him in the rotation.
Jameis Winston:
We have one question for Jameis Winston: Did he ever get on that boat? If you have no idea what we are talking about, take the time to watch Winston become enamored mid-interview with the owner of the Jaguars’ yacht. If that is not enough to get the conversation going, we can always circle back to the time he attempted to shoplift king crab legs out of a Publix in 2014. This man has no shortage of stories, and his laser-sharp focus—whether on the game or something totally unrelated—is sure to keep the whole rotation locked in.
Antonio Brown:
Where do we even begin with Antonio Brown? He has been no stranger to slightly deranged moments during his career in the NFL. After a solid hit, our first questions go to that unforgettable Jets game meltdown—where he decided to throw his shoulder pads into the crowd and run off the field in the middle of a game. This was not the first time he displayed eccentric behavior during a game—he loves flipping a Gatorade cooler—but his decision was an extremely unexpected way to end his career. Throw in his fake vaccine card and reckless driving, and we have plenty to discuss during our sesh.
Jamaal Williams:
Mr. Mermaid is up next. Yes, Jamaal Williams has called himself a mermaid in perhaps one of the funniest post-game interviews of all time. Across every team he has played for in the league, Williams continues to be one of our favorite NFL players. We’d value his opinions on other topics as well, like Frozen 2 (of which he is apparently a huge fan) and the Pokémon Championships. Williams is guaranteed to have everyone else in the rotation reeling with laughter. Honestly, we would pay money to get this man to say yes to the invite.
Joe Burrow:
Joe Shiesty is an obvious choice for this rotation. From his spectacular pregame fits to the ice in his veins, Burrow is sure to be an absolute chiller. We have a few burning questions: Is he actually dating the Sports Illustrated model? Props to him if so, but otherwise, let’s just say there are plenty of hopeful women who would love to hear he is still single. How’s he holding up after the recent string of burglaries at his home? Relationship status aside, we need to know if he is keeping the frosted tips next year.
Tom Brady:
Last but certainly not least, we have the GOAT Tom Brady. While his GOAT status has already been debated by the Independent, this ex-couple would like to focus on other pressing matters once the blunt is lit. Was Brady involved in Deflategate? We’ve taken our time, read the amicus brief submitted on Brady’s behalf, and even skimmed the Wells Report. At the end of the day, we just want to hear it straight from the legend. Did he do it, and how exactly did he pull it off?
And there you have it: probably the most chaotic, random group of NFL characters you could imagine, but ones that, according to my ex, would make for a fantastic high. While we cannot agree on the trajectory of our relationship, at least we can agree on this.
Lonely Stoner isn’t actually lonely, they just need to stop texting their ex and listening to Kid Cudi.