Satire: Make Harvard Great Again!

It’s no secret—we’re looking at a new civil war. But this time, the war is actually totalllly understandable and happening for super duper good reasons between two actually relevant groups: Harvard University and the Trump administration.

Those government people may not be right about a lot of things, but they are kind of right about one thing—Harvard has some self-improvement work to do! A wise friend once told me that “They don’t put championship rings on smooth hands.” That friend was right. In order to win, we must reinforce our own ideals. Recenter academics. Fight discrimination. Maybe even facilitate free speech! So, in the spirit of free speech, I thought I’d throw some ideas of my own out there. As a sage Harvard senior, my ideas tend to be extremely good.

Idea number one—a democratic election for a new Harvard president. That’ll show ’em that we really do value those good ol’ American ideals.

Idea number two—only my name gets put on the ballot because the election was my idea. It’s only fair. But of course, let me share my campaign, which I thought of today.

Make Harvard Great Again: My Campaign for Harvard President. 

Hi all. I was thinking that I should be the new Harvard president, because I’m full of good ideas—inside and out. Actually, I plan on being the first Ivy League “Love Island” contestant within three to five years. Because I’m not just an intellectual, I’m also a pretty face. My “Love Island” appearance will happen when I’m totally liquid and can afford lip filler after I’ve raked in a few years of six-figure salaries at my super prestigious consulting job.

Ha, just kidding, I would never work in consulting. And you deserve to really know your presidential candidate. I am a creative—an ARTIST. So, after graduation, I’m putting that creative talent to work, and I am co-founding a startup with this girl I really hate. She’s insufferable, but her dad’s friends said they would invest. The startup is an artificial intelligence that does ethically distilled context window modeling AI for alternative AI processes that is going to revolutionize the field of AI-assisted AI AI AI AI with its cutting-edge AI-tethered triple AI-supported microalgorithm-AI-based model. As soon as I get the investors’ money, we’re getting an office in San Francisco. California, baby! Stay tuned for my post on LinkedIn.

As I was saying, Harvard clearly needs a reputational overhaul. This University is the preeminent institution for the production of knowledge. The world expects us to be great, so we must be great—again. Because we totally used to be. We actually have a sick colonial origin story. We were underdogs; we were scrappy. Apparently, right after the first Thanksgiving, they started building Harvard Hall. And then one of the Native Americans gave us the Gutenberg Bible. Ha! Pretty awesome, right? But our awesomeness has waned. So, I say, let us co-opt the language of our recent federal government opponents! Let’s Make Harvard Great Again.

Everyone in every country around the world knows our name. Harvard. The bigggg H. Harvard is really the only university. THE number one. It’s…it’s…it’s Harvard. Harvard is full of the world’s brightest minds. We are educating the leaders of tomorrow—not the idiots. Could you imagine the Peloton-purchasing, frozen-meal-eating, (Trigger Warning) sub-1500-scoring masses in our hallowed halls? I’m shuddering just thinking about it. Let me go warm up some Trader Joe’s soup dumplings to self-soothe. 

So, on to the first order of business for me as president to fix. Brace yourself, as it is something bad—very, very bad. Students are getting too many A’s. Way too many. I have chatted with my peers, whose opinions I very much value. Just like Harvard admin, I do not view them as little cogs in a for-profit machine at all. I swear! Students say they are not so happy with the proposed 20% A policy. But I have an alternative that will satisfy administrators, faculty, and students alike—a brand new formula that quantifies true performance at Harvard. I am still finalizing it, but I’m thinking something like this:

[Hours spent in class per week + Google Docs screentime + Number of mg prescription stimulants consumed/week] – [Hours spent having fun + Hours spent in REM sleep + Hours spent having sex + Number of genuine laughs per day]

This way, students get a numerical grade, and we can really differentiate between the locked-in academic beasts and the lazy piece-of-shit freeloaders. The final bell curve will, of course, be a very right-skewed distribution, and in the spirit of fairness to athletes and freaks, we will hold a competitive Quidditch tournament to decide which courses are permitted to give out extra A’s. Mmmm. My mouth is watering just thinking about the pizza party the top 1% are going to get. Should we run the Quidditch tournament market on Kalshi? I think yes.

On a different note—the Harvard motto. Veritas. Apparently, it means truth. But “truth” is out in 2026. You heard Addison Rae— “Fame is a Gun.” “Money is Everything.” These should be our guiding values. So, I think the new Harvard motto should be Fama. According to my startup AI, it is the Latin word for “reputation” (noun). And of course, we all know that image is everything. It’s our fucking steam engine! Truth is temporary. Reverence is eternal.

Statistics drawn up by a PSYCH 1900 student in RStudio show that we, future leaders of America, can actually tolerate more unconventional strategies for success. So. I propose that, alongside the new breakfast sandwiches, Harvard University Dining Services start serving high-dosage IR Adderall, cocaine, and maybe a little methamphetamine on Fridays. Performance will skyrocket. I’m sure of it. Give fewer A’s and more stimulants! Now that’s what I call recentering academics.

One of my campaign managers is telling me I also need to address student health—because though Harvard is, of course, already quite strong in this area, we can always shoot for more. Easy! We install microchips in our students that can detect even the slightest suicidal thought or smallest threat of chronic illness. This will automatically trigger mandatory unenrollment from Harvard for two semesters. And away they will go to the magical island of healing and rainbows and love! Then, after they work a full-time job for six months, they can come back. Simple! Clean! Effective! Legally watertight! Gotta get those fall risks off Harvard soil quick, y’know.

Also, for Yardfest, instead of a singer, I think we should just round up all the Harvard affiliates who were in the Epstein files and drop them in a dunk tank one by one. We can all watch it together and stream it on TikTok, and it will be awesome. Seems like an appropriate sanction that’ll be fun for the whole Harvard family. Definitely gonna take a while—might have to cut the opener’s time down a bit. Good thing no one goes to Battle for Yardfest anyway. 

In conclusion, I want to tell you how I came to the brilliant idea of my campaign slogan. I was thinking about the iconography of power. Mainly, how awesome crimson is, like as a color. It’s just a great color. Bold, vibrant, hungry. It’s downright starving. It’s like… blood. It’s just objectively the coolest of the three colors of the flag. 

As I was reminiscing about the color crimson, I walked outside, and the sun kinda blinded my eyes. It hurt. And a sudden moment of brilliance came to me. I had the BEST. IDEA. EVER. Let’s make a CRIMSON hat with the slogan “MAKE HARVARD GREAT AGAIN” on it. 

Because a constant reminder of our mission on people’s foreheads will surely work, right? I’m tryna get highhhhh on the slightest puff of the Harvard name. We can also have t-shirts that say #StopHarvardHate and #CrimsonWave. Let’s hear it for free speech! Fama!

Oops, haha, I must have said that too quietly. LET’S HEAR IT FOR FREE SPEECH!!!!

Okay, you guys are supposed to, like, yell something back. One more time: LET’S HEAR IT FOR FREE SPEECH!!! 

Nothing? Not even, like, a half-assed satire in one of the alternative newspapers? Damn.

Anyway, vote for me to Make Harvard Great Again!

Kayla Reifel ’26 (kaylareifel@college.harvard.edu) does not want to be the president of Harvard.