We’ed Rather Be At

Lonely Stoner is back, but this time without the clingy ex; all it took was one well-timed gummy to finally block their number and move on to bigger and better things. In a newfound, truly single era, I now have time to enjoy sporting events in their best form: with a blunt in hand. One benefit of being a Harvard undergraduate is having access to all University-affiliated games; I have made it my mission to attend as many as possible, while high, of course. This has truly been a mixed bag; some games are too overstimulating to enjoy while intoxicated, while others are exponentially more fun with some marijuana pulsing through your body. Here are my recommendations for anyone looking to plan the perfect Harvard sporting event experience. 

The Don’ts

My biggest problem when I get high is that my senses become completely overstimulated; I go non-verbal and fixate on whatever I’m watching. Below are the three sporting events I attended that I will not return to unless I am stone-cold sober.

Football

I feel like this one is a given. Between the whistles, shouting coaches, and the sound of pads violently slamming into each other, this sport is the perfect storm to ruin a high. While there are plenty of high-quality snacking options at the stadium for your munchies (the fried Oreos are my favorite), my last football-and-cannabis experience left me wanting to leave. The stop-start nature of football had me drifting from periods of hyperfixation on the action to staring up at the clouds in the sky. Another qualm I had was the length of the experience; the chances of your high wearing off watching a three-hour game are higher (ha, get it) than one would like.

Ice Hockey

My experience here was only slightly worse than the football game, mainly because this game was way louder. Instead of players full-on tackling each other, the constant sounds of skates carving the ice, sticks hitting the puck, and players flying into the boards were overwhelming. Factor in the arena’s chill and the blinding lights, and walking into Bright-Landry Hockey Center made me want to turn around immediately. However, the sensory issues were quelled by easy access to the concession stands. While the food options were limited, I gladly took that trade-off to the football stadium, whose architecture prevents you from watching the game while standing in line. 

Rugby

The Women’s Rugby game surprised me with how passionate their fans were and how vibrant the overall vibe of the stadium atmosphere was; I now feel that this team is criminally underrated amongst the student body (congrats on winning Ivy 7s!). My biggest takeaway: watching this high is especially confusing. For this reason, I put it in the “don’t watch” category. I personally was caught off guard when people started cheering or when players were suddenly lifted into the air to try and catch the ball. My only other problem was the lack of concessions compared to other games I had been to; I know this is not a universal thing for Harvard sports, but it really makes all the difference when I suddenly have an intense craving for Sour Patch Kids.

The Do’s

As previously mentioned, when I’m high, I don’t want to be dealing with a wild mess of sounds or really aggressive screaming. In my experience with the games below, both of those aspects were absent, by and large.

Baseball/Softball

I know that nine innings of baseball or seven of softball seem like more than enough time for a high to wear off, but other factors of the games made for a very enjoyable experience. First, the walkup songs offered a constant guessing game of what tune would be used for each player—unfortunately, I did not actually recognize any of the chosen songs until the at-bat was over, but this is besides the point. While usually a drag, the high transformed the pace of the game into a scintillating series. There was no need to fixate on each pitch, thanks to the leisurely pace between them. Bonus points since one of the parents handed me a free burger as a thank-you for coming out to support; there is truly nothing better when high. 

Soccer

Everybody knows the general idea of soccer. If you’re on offense, kick the ball into the goal. If you’re on defense, don’t let the ball get kicked into the goal. It’s extremely basic. So, it’s really easy to enjoy the game with a high: just focus on the ball. Compared to football or hockey games, the crowds and players were not nearly as loud. Easily accessible snacks were a nice addition, and I was happily munching on popcorn by the end of the second half. When all was said and done, did I know what the score was? No. But I had fun!

Club Frisbee

When I think of frisbee, I picture tossing a disc around on a sunny day in a field of grass, talking about life. I don’t picture the constant passes and lateral movements players use to move the frisbee. It was entertaining to become super hyper-focused on the specific movements and passion that emerges from each player, and then proceed to disassociate and remember that it is … just frisbee. 

Quidditch

Personally, Quidditch was my favorite part of the Harry Potter series, so to stumble upon a full-blown tournament right on Harvard’s campus while faded was a moment of euphoria. While some students may not know the difference between a Quaffle and the Golden Snitch, I was absolutely LOSING it to see the best fictional sport out there brought to life with PVC pipes and Hula-Hoops. Cheers to these hidden athletes! I will be going back to this if I can ever figure out when they play again.

And with that, my list is complete. I hope everyone takes the time, as the semester winds down, to venture across the river, blunt in hand, to experience the wonderful world of Harvard athletics.

Lonely Stoner’s preferred form of high is a 5mg Tropical Fruit Gem.