The Breast Sex Ever

By HUNTER RICHARDS

If your chest is past a D cup, chances are you’ve had at least one boy ask if you ever tried doing more with them. At which point, you probably think, “Like what, my taxes? Does he think they’re magic? Oh god, he totally thinks they’re magic. He’s rubbing the hell out of them hoping for his three wishes.”

Luckily, he is quick to stutter out how one time in porn he saw a guy put his penis between the woman’s (very very very V E R Y) large breasts and just go to town. You realize, this is the moment for which he has been waiting. You and your boobs are entirely at liberty to make this guy’s dreams (among other things) come true.

Even so, you have a refined taste for the type of porn you’ve grown accustomed to, and have absolutely no idea what you’re supposed to do. It is one thing to get propositioned but it’s a whole other to attempt to get positioned. You see he’s already sitting in the swivel chair and you’re already getting nervous. Now you are fighting both gravity and thinking that the spinning effect is sure to become a problem somehow. But you’re brave and also pretty damn curious, so you kneel down in front of him and wait for a cue.

For the love of all that is good, please remember to put your hair up in a pony tail. This boy is about to witness a miracle and therefore is entirely volatile. Your eyes and hair are not safe. The sting you’re about to get from his trigger-happy penis firing directly into your left eye is almost as bad as the shade you will throw. Nothing strikes fear into a guy’s heart quite like a girl with cum on her cheek and one hand over her closed eye getting up from being on her knees to tower over him asking if he has any common decency!

But you’re not even there yet – you still have no idea what the hell to do with your hands or where to look.

Naturally bad depth perception aside – it seems as if, when you look down, that dick is really about to hit you in the face. He really should not have his eyes shut for this; it is a safety concern. He is operating your boobs like the heavy machinery they are, plus he has probably the best view he’s ever going to get, so why isn’t he fully engaged?

Whether he’s been going for 20 seconds or 20 minutes (which, in terms of titty fucking, who knows which is worse), he’s going to ask at some point where you want him to finish. When he does ask, you’ll want to laugh because it seems pretty obvious what the trajectory appears to be for this situation. I only recommend letting him finish on your chest, in his own territory. Not because of feminism or anything symbolic, but because it is messier than you expected. You only have one good towel and it would take more to save your Urban Outfitters rug you only just barely got the wine stains out of… Plus, you’re about to make this boy’s entire damn life so he might as well put in some work.

I can’t exactly explain why I feel that the most chivalrous moment in a guy’s life comes after finishing on someone’s chest when he finds you the softest towel in his possession. This chivalry is complimented by when he proceeds to clean you up like the tourists in Harvard yard polish the statue’s shoe in hopes of one day being accepted into the ranks. Moral of the story: don’t be opposed to turning those D cups into the chalice of wisdom he’s hoping to get a sip from.