Bulldog is Bouse

My fellow Harvard students, are any of us used to losing? No. Yet we have somehow lost to Yale five years in a row for the big pre-Thanksgiving game.

If you too are sick and tired of a safety school disrespecting us, you’re in the right place. Witchcraft is not a class you can add to your CrimsonCart (yet), so if you are looking for—alternative—ways to prove your school spirit, look no further than the resources in this article. I’ve used my extensive occult knowledge—acquired from hours of scrolling Etsy witch TikToks—to come up with four different rituals you can perform leading up to the Game to ensure a Harvard win at Fenway this year. You have heard of Harvard Chuds, but have you heard of Harvard Witches? That is exactly what we’re going to become.

The best tool for manifestation is a simple spell jar, and luckily, the d-halls have the ingredients we need! While a witch will typically make their hexes in traditional glass jars, these concoctions should work just as well in disposable cups. Here’s a list of some materials you can put in your DIY spell jar:

A. Honey: To ensure our victory is sweet!

B. Black Pepper: Curse Yale’s defense line with… incessant sneezing? Yeah, why not?

C. Lucky Charm Marshmallows: Send the heart marshmallows in particular (spiritually) to our linebackers, kickers, and defense people (I am not really sure how football works, so pardon my terminology).

D. Cinnamon (the tea bags are good enough): Set our offense spiritually aflame, just like when you get a big whiff of cinnamon.

E. Tabasco Sauce: Keep it so spicy Yale cries!

F. Blueberries: Blue just like Yale; crush them up and put them in your spell jar. Pretend each blueberry you’re squishing is a football player on the opposite team.

G. Salt: To make sure they lose so badly they’ll be salty for years!

H. Ketchup: Douse the whole thing in crimson, because we will be making them BLEED (not actually, hopefully).

You can tailor your spell jar around Harvard winning (Lucky Charms, Honey, and Ketchup), Yale losing (Black Pepper, Tabasco, Salt, Cinnamon, or Blueberries), or just create one big concoction! To finish the spell, recycle the jar: a good witch stays eco-conscious and doesn’t let Yale copy our secrets!

Beyond simple hexes, we must perform four rituals to put Yale in its rightful place. Many know Lamont as the library for students who refuse to sleep, making it the perfect place to host a perpetual séance, which we will dub the Lamont Vigil. Until the fateful November day, someone must stand guard for Lamont by pulling an all-nighter. Bonus points if you’re actually studying, and even more kudos if it is for a particularly difficult class like “Happiness.” Over time, this ritual will harvest our intellectual energy and build team power for our ultimate spell of beating Yale. Definitely the easiest ritual on this list, considering “Math55” students are probably staying up anyway.

Alongside the Lamont Vigil, we must also warn the city of Yale’s arrival (like a modern-day Paul Revere). “The Bulldogs are coming! The Bulldogs are coming!” The night before the Game, muster the courage to learn how to use CrimsonPrint and trek to HUIT to print out a Harvard rejection letter. Wait, did I say rejection letter? I meant a Yale acceptance letter. Minor mishap, given they are basically identical. To really twist the knife, draw your favorite funny memes, mustaches on the bulldogs, and other quasi-degrading things on the flyer, and now you’ve got fun posters to put up around the Yard.

Of course, to guarantee victory, bring the energy on game day. To all of you hosting Bulldogs in your room (bless your heart), draw a few symbols or phrases on their arms, foreheads, legs, hands, etc., to show them whose territory they are on. I’ll get you started with a few ideas. My recommendation? Use Sharpie.

A. A big H with “Property of Harvard” right under

B. Yale? I hardly know her

C. Tombstone because RIP Yale’s chances

D. Yale’s Bulldog with a Harvard scarf if you’re super artistically inclined

E. Veritas across the forehead

F. Tears under their eyes to foreshadow their loss, of course

Most importantly, SHOW UP to the Game and BE LOUD. The best ritual is the sheer energy we’ll bring to the Game. Do not underestimate the crowd’s energy! Bring the vibes to the tailgates, dress in your best game-day outfits, and make the best anti-Yale signs you can!

Can I guarantee that following all these rituals will win us the Game? Yes, so spread the word to your friends! With the Fenway game approaching, we must channel every source of power possible to ensure victory, even if we need some help from the occult!

Venus Dastidar ’30 (vdastidar@college.harvard.edu) only really hates Yale because there is no good Indian food in New Haven.