The Harvard Purity Test

This is totally unrelated to any other purity test that might have been named after a certain university in Houston, Texas. However, if it were, this test is inspired by a 1924 icebreaker for incoming students during orientation week, which later became a 100-question list in the 1980s.

From debatable academic decisions to questionable romantic entanglements, the Harvard experience is anything but uniform. Simply tally the boxes you leave unchecked to calculate your Harvard Purity Test score. The higher your score, the more innocent your Harvard experience. The lower your score, the more “scandalous” your time may have been.

Compare scores with your friends, question your life choices, and, most importantly, happy sinning!

CAUTION: THIS IS NOT A BUCKET LIST AND THE “HARVARD INDEPENDENT” IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS MADE IN PURSUIT OF A HIGHER SCORE.

0. Subscribed to the Indy’s mailing list

1. Had a peer mention their legacy status unprompted?

2. Had a peer mention their parents’ job unprompted?

3. Had a peer mention their SAT/ACT score unprompted?

4. Had a peer mention their summer internships unprompted?

5. Had a peer ask a question solely to hear themselves talk?

6. Been cold-called in a class?

7. Skipped an entire week of class(es)?

8. Skipped an entire month of class(es)?

9. Been accused of cheating on an exam?

10. Cheated on an exam?

11. Missed a final exam?

12. Failed a final exam?

13. Failed a class?

14. Had to retake a class?

15. Pissed on John?

16. Had sex in the Stacks?

17. Jumped in the Charles?

18. Participated in Primal Scream?

19. Participated in Primal Scream naked?

20. Killed a rat or mouse in your dorm?

21. Accidentally flashed another person through your window?

22. Completed all nine houses during River Run?

23. Blacked out from River Run?

24. Posted anonymous gossip about someone on Sidechat?

25. Had someone recognize you from Sidechat?

26. Had a post about you on Sidechat?

27. Received over 200 upvotes on Sidechat?

28. Had a Sidechat post about you go viral?

29. Posted on Sidechat looking for a hookup?

30. Hooked up with someone you found on Sidechat?

31. Matched with another Harvard student on a dating app?

32. Gone on a date from Hinge, Tinder, or another app?

33. Gone on a date from Datamatch?

34. Had a crush on your TF or CA?

35. Been on a date with your TF or CA?

36. Hooked up or had sex with your TF or CA?

37. Dated/dating a student from another Boston-area school?

38. Hooked up with a student from another Boston-area school?

39. Dated/dating another Harvard College student?

40. Ghosted/been ghosted by another Harvard student?

41. Been flown out by someone you met at Harvard?

42. Been on a date with someone solely because they had a Harvard affiliation?

43. Hooked up/had sex with another Harvard College student?

44. Hooked up/had sex with a Harvard graduate school student?

45. Hooked up/had sex with a Harvard alumnus?

46. Hooked up/had sex with a Harvard professor?

47. Had sex in a lecture hall?

48. Had sex in a classroom?

49. Had sex in a Yard dorm?

50. Had sex in every single Yard dorm?

51. Done yard work/been yard worked?

52. Had sex in an upperclassman House?

53. Had sex in every single upperclassman House?

54. Traveled from the River to the Quad for a hook-up?

55. Hooked up with a Yale student?

56. Hooked up with another Ivy League student?

57. Hooked up with a suitemate?

58. Hooked up with someone in your blocking group?

59. Hooked up with someone in your entryway?

60. Hooked up with someone in your dorm or House?

61. Hooked up with someone from your section or class?

62. Hooked up with someone from the same club or team as you?

63. Hooked up with a friend’s ex?

64. Hooked up with your ex’s friend?

65. Had a three-way with another Harvard student?

66. Participated in an orgy with one or more Harvard student(s)?

67. Skipped class to have sex?

68. Masturbated with a roommate in the room?

69. Masturbated in your roommate’s bed?

70. Masturbated in the common room?

71. Had sex while your roommate was asleep in the room?

72. Sexiled a roommate?

73. Been sex-iled by a roommate?

74. Spent the night with an MPS in a twin XL dorm bed?

75. Showered with an MPS in a dorm or House bathroom?

76. Had sex in a campus bathroom?

77. Had sex outdoors on campus?

78. Faked sobriety in front of a dean, proctor, or professor?

79. Gotten a noise complaint?

80. Had a party shut down by a proctor or HUPD?

81. Run from HUPD?

82. Been arrested by HUPD?

83. Been called into your Resident Dean’s office?

84. Been sent to the Honor Council?

85. Been Ad-Boarded?

86. Been placed on probation?

87. Taken a semester off from Harvard?

88. Taken a year or more off from Harvard?

89. Had a fake ID?

90. Been caught using a fake ID?

91. DFMO’d at a Harvard party?

92. Blacked out at a Harvard party?

93. Been kicked out of a Harvard party?

94. Thrown up in the Square after having too much to drink?

95. Called an ambulance, HUPD, or Boston Police because you or someone had too much to drink?

96. Been hospitalized or sent to the ER for alcohol poisoning?

97. Gone to HUHS to get an STI test?

98. Used the HUHS vending machine for condoms and/or Plan B?

99. Done an illicit drug at a Harvard party?

100. Bought an illicit drug from a Harvard student?

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. Whether you’re a first-year just getting started, or a senior with four years of questionable decisions under your belt, we hope you’ve enjoyed the experience. And if your score is still suspiciously high, don’t worry—there’s always next semester.

Remember: what happens in the Yard stays in the Yard unless someone posts about it on Sidechat.

Until next time, stay curious, stay sexy, and stay off your Resident Dean’s radar.

This anonymous author has mastered the art of the twin XL dorm bed and has made several decisions they would prefer not to discuss with their Resident Dean.