Klub Kinks

We’re a kinky campus. How kinky, you might ask? Well, one Indy Sex Survey respondent detailed a personal sexual fantasy he hopes will come to fruition on campus: “Being kicked in the balls by my girlfriend and her friends, then teased. And worshipping them.” Is this representative of Harvard students as a whole? We may never know! (The answer is yes.)

Inspired by the Indy’s 2025 piece assigning Houses to kinks, I’ve taken precious time out of my busy, busy Harvard schedule to produce a list of campus clubs and their respective kinks for your pleasure. You’re welcome. And before you assume each club’s fetish is merely a comedic association, remember we have a man among us who likes getting kicked in the balls by a group of girls (no shame, of course, we don’t kink-shame). There’s a good chance there is some truth to my words.

Harvard Republican Club: Impregnation

These guys love babies. Or, sorry, fetuses. They really love fetuses. And some of them know how to make one! For your own safety, wrap it up before getting down and dirty with a member of this club. Chances are, they’ll want to keep the resulting pregnancy, and they’ll get off to it. Hey, maybe that’s something you’re both into. And I wouldn’t mind seeing a couple of kids in my lectures from time to time. It could be cute.

The Lampoon: Orgy

What else would they need a castle for? Freaks!

Harvard College Debating Union: Submission

All that arguing! All that verbal domination! Sometimes, a debater needs to take a break, have an outlet. Naturally, that might lead to some impressive obedience in the bedroom. Just know that if you’re having an insufferable conversation with a debate kid, they secretly want you to berate them into submission. Dominate a Debate Union member today.

“The Harvard Crimson”: Voyeurism

Raise your hand if the “Crimson” has invaded your personal life! These guys want to watch everything, including when you fuck. Your favorite “Crimson” writer would love to sit in the corner of a dark room while you and your partner are raw-dogging. Don’t mind them too much; they won’t interfere. Just make sure they aren’t secretly recording you or anything.

Harvard Undergraduate Consulting Group: Golden Showers

I considered financial domination, but that seemed too easy. And I don’t think any HUCG member is willing to give up a cent of their nearly $3 million in assets. These students thrive in environments of abundance and love a steady stream of revenue and piss. Just imagine that liquid gold getting all over them, maybe them taking a couple sips here and there. Really, imagine it.

“The Salient”: Humiliation

These guys couldn’t have put themselves through last school year’s controversy for no reason. Some part of them must have loved being degraded by the school body. At least I hope so. You can find out for yourself! Go up to a “Salient” writer, make a Nazi joke to them, and see how they react.

“The Harvard Advocate”: Tentacles

A creative mind is bound to have a creative kink. “The Harvard Advocate” undoubtedly has one of the highest concentrations of former (or current) smut and fan fiction writers on campus. Just think of all the material those fiction writers can come up with. Beautiful.

Three Letter Acronym Improv: Roleplay

I would recommend hitting up a TLA member if you’re looking to fulfill your wildest sexual fantasies. Student-professor? Pool boy? Nothing they haven’t done before. Even if you’ve got a particular fictional character in mind, they’ve got you covered. Can I make a personal request for Megamind? I’m just worried they’d be too into it. Like, get too caught up in what’s inside his big blue head, you know? I just wanted a couple “ollo’s” between strokes.

Harvard Undergraduate Engineering Society: Mechanophilia

The age of the sex bot is coming, and HUES is bringing it to us. Not to play into stereotypes, but these members have a slight lack of appeal, though maybe it’s because I don’t get the chance to meet many of them; the Science and Engineering Complex maintains a certain stench that drives me away. But who needs a real girl when you can have a partner made just how you like “her”?

Harvard ROTC: Domination

These members are basically the antithesis of HCDU. Early mornings getting yelled at by military men can be emasculating, and so they need a way to get their macho back. It’s a bit basic, a bit dull, a bit too expected, but hey, so is ROTC. They’re hot, it’s fine.

Crimson Key: Swingers

There are a lot of Key couples. It’s adorable. Naturally, though, when you put together a bunch of social people with so much love to give, sometimes one partner just isn’t enough. Maybe they’re onto something: sharing is caring. Or maybe they’re just a bunch of cheaters. Who knows.

Harvard-Radcliffe Orchestra: Stuffing

Those instruments have to go somewhere.

Harvard College Democrats: Race

One Sex Survey respondent offered up a sexual fantasy that piqued my interest: “Woman of color slaps me.” I think it’s one thing to have a type, man. But this … yeah, I don’t know. Definitely a Harvard Dem, though.

The Indy: Cucking

Walk with me here. The Indy sits in a purple chair at the corner of a dark room. Across from us is a bed; the sheets are a deep red. And there you, the student body, are, getting fucked. You’re getting fucked by the “Crimson,” and all we can do is sit there and watch you. And we like it. Why do we like it?

The Indy Madame hopes you get fucked, in a sex-positive way.