In Defense of Casual Sex

There is an inherent connection that comes with having sex with someone. Sex, in any context, is a vulnerable experience that asks participants to bare themselves, both physically and emotionally, to another person.

Sex is arguably difficult, as it demands a high level of security and self-confidence to achieve the level of trust necessary to partake in the act. It involves a commitment to honesty: honesty with yourself about your own fantasies, desires, and insecurities, as well as honesty with your sexual partner about what you are interested in and how you feel. In this way, sex also necessitates a level of comfort with rejection.

The possibility of rejection means that sex, in all of its (consensual) forms, is inherently negotiated. Sex is a negotiation, a dance of giving and receiving pleasure. In this way, sex is an exercise in empathy; any attempt to pleasure someone requires intentional acknowledgment of their point of view and what they feel. This creates an authentic connection between people, a closeness that exists within all forms of sex.

With casual sex, though, there is the added understanding that those feelings, the erotic intimacy shared between individuals, are only temporary.

Something deeply human lives in the little joys of fleeting connection: a chat in line at the coffee shop about the weather, a compliment from a passerby on the street, or commiserating with a stranger while waiting for the train. No one expects a relationship beyond the present moment, but the momentary solidarity between strangers is beautiful. These brief connections make us feel just a little less alone in the world.

Something short-lived doesn’t mean it never existed. You are allowed to feel a connection, erotic or otherwise, and then let it go. You are allowed to enjoy yourself. I am reminded of a quote by poet and writer Ocean Vuong in his novel “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous.” “Too much joy, I swear, is lost in our desperation to keep it,” he writes.

Do not deprive yourself of pleasure just because you know it will end. Do not crush a moment’s joy by holding on too tightly.

The fleeting nature of a casual sexual relationship also facilitates a degree of freedom for the participants. Unlike a committed relationship or a situationship, where there is a constant reevaluation of the traits and value of the partnership, with casual sex there is less expectation of future value. This leads to more expression during sex, because the stakes of judgment are so much lower. The consequence of judgment is not the possible loss or weakening of the relationship, because there is no expectation of continued connection.

Due to the heightened freedom, there is also a greater ability to try new things sexually. While growing comfort can also develop within a long-term relationship between loving partners, added loyalty and dependence raise the stakes, making the loss feel more intense if the relationship ends and making people less willing to risk conflict by trying something new. The decreased sense of personal consequence during casual sex allows for heightened comfort with sexual experimentation, which can, in turn, lead to more pleasurable sexual experiences in the future. Knowing what you like and do not like during sex is critical for establishing a safe and supportive environment in the bedroom. For a partner to respect your wishes, you have to communicate them. Casual sex is a great, low-stakes method of sexual discovery.

While a relationship may be fulfilling, many people don’t have the time or energy to engage in one. At Harvard, time is precious. Students’ days are filled with classes, homework, clubs, sports, networking, and countless other time-consuming activities and roles. Free time is hard to come by, and students often sacrifice sleep. The time obligations of a romantic relationship can seem especially daunting when a student is already spending whole days in the library studying. The lack of free time does not mean they suddenly stop feeling sexual or erotic desire. 

A romantic relationship requires dedication to emotional labor that is not only time-consuming but also energy-consuming. For a population that does not even have time for adequate sleep, the added energy cost of the emotional and physical demands of a devoted, exclusive relationship can be undesirable. Casual sex is a convenient and more time- and energy-efficient way to fulfill erotic desire. Casual sex grants the experience of physical pleasure with another person, without having to make the time commitments or emotional sacrifices that come with established relationships and situationships.

Many critics of casual sex talk of the disproportionate harms to women compared to men who engage in casual sexual relations. Casual sex is critiqued as a contributing factor to gender-based violence. Other critiques frame men as the sole beneficiaries of casual sexual encounters and describe an emotional incongruence between men and women in these situations. These critiques fall flat because instead of addressing casual sex itself, they are more focused on the hierarchical power dynamics between men and women in society. Casual sex for two people of the same gender does not have an inherent gender-based power disparity because two people of the same sex share a similar level of power within the patriarchy. This means that the supposed harms that come to women who engage in casual sex are not based on the sex itself, but are instead rooted in the oppressive structures of our society.

Ultimately, the decision whether or not to have casual sex should be a personal one. We all crave human connection and pleasure. And sex, casual or otherwise, is centered on connection and pleasure. We all deserve to experience those feelings, and if a person wants to use sex to that end, they should feel empowered to do so, free from shame.

Cat Johnson ’30 (catjohnson@college.harvard.edu) is comping the “Harvard Independent” and has heard rumors that straight sex is boring.